I am 70, he is 80. When do I know enough of his bad, mean personality is enough? Married 48 years. I feel a responsibility to help & care for him, but I am in tears everyday becsuse of his actions. He has not been diagnosed with either Dimentia or Alzheimers. Is it mean & cruel to leave the situation?
Yes, we have many experiences here, so I will ask you to stay a while and read. While it won't be comforting, you may learn a lot and feel less alone.
It is time now to speak with your husband's MD. He cannot discuss hubby without his permission, but he CAN listen to what you are seeing and hearing. Keep a diary of simple sentences daily for about a month. For instance "He put the Tide dishwashing Pods in the refrigerator". "He is having a hard time coming up with words and is losing his train of thought". "He forgot our appointment today; I just spoke to him about it before bedtime". "He cannot operate the door's simple lock mechanism". Etc.
Your husband needs to be evaluated. If he refuses evaluation I would call APS and tell them that if you cannot get him to evaluation and care, you are considering leaving him. Together you may get him an appointment for evaluation.
If what you suspect is true, then you have decisions to make. At your age you may not be able to do the care required for someone in his condition. It will be time to cross that bridge when you understand the water conditions. So get him evaluated; that's the first step. And not an easy one. I wish you much luck.
Has he always been narcissistic? And it's just getting worse now?
Just for a minute, put yourself in his shoes. He is getting old, and forgetful. That must be pretty stressful for him. And if he was a vain, self-centered or insecure person before, this is knocking him and his whole pretense down. He is struggling to remain relevant, and to hold on to someone (you), and it probably makes him a little bit scared and angry, and he acts out. If his mind is going, then he won't be able to control his behavior or his actions. He could become very aggressive and hurt you.
You could take him to a neurologist if you want a diagnosis. You don't need a diagnosis to see how his behavior is affecting you. If you really want to be there for him, maybe with a proper diagnosis and medication, you can control his undesirable behavior. No matter what the reason, if you feel unsafe, you need to remove yourself from this situation.
Your question, though, is looking for anyone else who has had a similar experience. I can say from most of the posts I have read, that YES, this is a common occurrence when dealing with any form of dementia. Myself, personally, my husband had a stroke at the age of 53, which caused traumatic brain injury. He has been like a child ever since. The part of his brain which manages logic and impulse control were damaged. He can act like a jerk.
No impulse control, and he thinks he's being funny. It has been challenging.
I continue caring for him because he was the best person I have ever known and was good and kind and loving to me. I still love him very much, and his challenging behavior makes it hard to find anyone else who will care for him.
He is non-mobile, and partially paralyzed, so he can't do much and can't hurt me. He is completely vulnerable and relies on me to help him out of bed, to his recliner, and change diapers, and change the channel on the TV, and to prepare a special diet for him and feed him because he can't chew and swallow solid food safely. So, yes, I have seen a change in behavior, but I do not feel unsafe in our current environment. But, it does happen. You have to keep yourself safe.
Your husband needs to be seen by either his PC or a neurologist to determine exactly what is going on with him, so call and make him an appointment today.
If this behavior is new to your husband then we must assume that it's the dementia talking, but if he's always been an ass for the 48 years you've been married then that's another story and you have the right to do whatever you feel you need to to protect yourself. Only you can answer that.
I wish you well as you walk this very difficult road with your husband.
Meet with a divorce attorney, without telling your husband. Find out what your rights and financial situation would be both with a legal separation and with a divorce. You are not initiating anything but it will help you be prepared and to make informed decisions if things escalate.
Do contact your husband's doctor(s) about this. Clearly something neurological and cognitive is going on. There are medications that can help control your husband's anger and aggressiveness.
Has he always been self-centered, and it has escalated? Or is this a personality shift?
Best of luck to you.