My 80 year old dad is obsessed with needing me constantly. Any advice? -

My 80 year old dad is obsessed with needing me constantly. Any advice?


Please help me,
We lost our mum 3 years ago. My dad was violent abusive and a drinker and very controlling. My dad has been hard work the last 3 years and getting worse daily, wanting to know everything I do, when, where, who with, wanting to come all the time, I'm now at a breaking point and I don't like him anymore but I love him, he's my dad. But I can't cope with his incessant texting all day long even when I'm working he is constantly asking what I'm doing, if I don't answer I get texts of , .....please please talk to me ....., please , say something. ....I take him out at least once a week, try to have him round for coffee, now once a week, it was daily but he wanted more. He is talking to my friends, my children, anyone! To find out what I'm doing and has started driving past my house because he thinks I am lying if I say I am out. I feel like crying and am losing the will to even respond. I take him away in the caravan every month for a few days. He is always and always has put me down, laughs at me, laughs when I struggle, laughs at my kids, laughs at my husband , I am 54 , the other day he told my daughter I'm nothing, I've never achieved anything. All my life I have struggled to try to be the best. My older brother is useless, always been allowed to do nothing. I was the one who had to be clever, get good jobs, achieve achieve achieve, and still I'm nothing.
He has my 25 year old daughter going round daily with a new baby doing his jobs, and he is so nasty to her. When I don't answer him, he calls her. I have tried being nice, I have tried understanding his age, his illness, his loneliness, his fears, his everything, and I've explained to him I fit him in when I can and each time he apologises and then the next day he does it all over again but worse. Now my answers are curt, short, no or maybe, I have no compassion to explain in loving words because I'm so tired of each time I meet his goal post, he moves it.
He has idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis and as yet , does not use oxygen although he has it. Yes I know he is scared , yes I know it must be awful losing the life you had, but I have tried to replace my mum and I can't put up with it. It's exhausting me and my daughter. We must get over a 100 texts a day . The other night I had done a 22 hour shift and I hadn't had time to read his texts, I work with acquired brain injured adults. He rang my daughter at 11.30 at night and woke the baby and her partner up and told her if he didn't get a response from me, he was going to drive to my house and get the whole street up. It's all going a bit mad and he is raising the bar with his crazy responses.
Please advise me. When I Get a text a off him now , it immediately makes me hate him ( but I don't ) tonight I've had to block him because I've been told he is not putting up with my nastiness and he has had enough because he wanted to add strangers on Facebook and I said you can't just talk to everyone. I said I agree dad, I'm tired of the nastiness now too, it's been getting nasty the last few weeks cos im tired now of the effort of nice long drawn out explanations and offerings that I can offer when I'm not working. So tonight he phoned my daughter and told her I've cut him out of my life. We get this all the time 😒 I've tried everything , now I'm feel lost. Julie



Reading your thread and lots of emotion for you. I hope you get a resolution for your dad soon and you and your daughter get some relief. I had to cut ties with my mother she is so angry after the loss of my father. (((hugs)))
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to SpiritDancer

Sounds like a good plan. And congratulations on setting and keeping boundaries!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to chdottir

Thankyou guys
I love my work and it is very rewarding supporting vulnerable adults.
Yes I am saving the texts to show professionals , I am seeking help over the next few weeks and keeping strictly to boundaries I have set. I met dad for lunch yesterday , I found it hard to enjoy our time together as I am still resentful . He asked if I could “ unblock” him on my phone and I said no.
For my own sanity right now , the space and mental break of not seeing these constant messages on my phone is making me feel better already and I’m sure it will heal us rather than drive us further apart.
So for now.
*No text messages .
* I visit him once daily to reduce his stress.
* I am seeking professional help and day groups for him.
Thankyou Everyone x👍😘
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Caravanjulie

Can you save your texts to show professionals when you speak to them?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MACinCT

Julie I’m so sorry this is happening. I know your work must be very stressful. You are a good person working with people who are so severely injured. I admire anyone who has the ability to help another heal. I could not do what you do. You make a difference in the world. Sometimes no matter how hard we try we can’t help the ones closest to us. The best way to help your dad is to get him the professional help he needs to manage whatever is driving him to such actions. Please do it today to help you and your daughter and your grand baby.
Regardless of his cruel words it seems he is hanging onto you as if you are the very breath he needs to exist.
I’m sorry it’s been so hard. Stand tall and breath deep and protect your family. We are with you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to 97yroldmom

Thankyou all so much for taking the time to reply, yes I'm in th Uk. You have all confirmed my thoughts that it's time to bring in other professionals to help guide me with this and try to get it through to my dad that, whilst I understand his fears, what he is doing is driving us further apart , not closer as I'm sure is what he is trying to do with his threats of suicide etc ,
Thankyou guys xxxxx
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Caravanjulie

Hi Julie, it sounds like you're not in the US - maybe England? If you tell us what country, the answers will be different. I would say your dad is mentally ill and probably has been for a long time. He sounds like he is a narcissist and has some kind of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) on top of that. If you're not in the US, I'm not sure what resources are available to you. Your dad needs a mental health evaluation. He could have some dementia that is making his inherent mental illness worse.

You need to get your family together in how you will deal with your father. Your poor daughter has to quit enabling your dad. You should all block him or allow him one or two texts a day. Any more than that and you simply ignore them. If he threatens to wake up the whole block, call the authorities to stop him when he gets there. Don't let him cow you!

Does he live alone? Any chance he could be moved to a senior living facility where he'd be around other people, possibly taking the burden off of you and your family? Until his mental illness is treated, I don't know if he'll change his behavior much. I hope you can find some respite. I can't imagine going through what you and your family are dealing with. {{{Hugs}}}
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to blannie

Dear Julie,

I am very sorry to hear of this stressful situation. I know you are doing the best you can and it is becoming overwhelming.

It might be best to call Adult Protective Services. Talk to a social worker. Also try to get your dad to the doctor because as Glad said, he could be having some issues medically. Maybe uncontrolled diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, heart failure issues, reaction to too much or too little medication.

I know its not easy, but hopefully between the social worker and doctor they can help you find a better balance.

Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to cdnreader

Wow, Julie! Some nice this a recent change he needs medical attention. He may have a UTI or maybe some sort of a stroke.

You need to try your hardest to maintain your boundaries. The rest of your family needs to establish some. You could start with a call to the police to tell them you are being stalked. Maybe dad would get it if visited by the police? If necessary there are always restraining orders.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to gladimhere