I have to say I hope I'm as healthy as she is at her age. I understand that some days everyone doesn't feel good but to just want everyone to wait on you hand and foot when you are able to do it yourself I don't understand. She will literally sit there and wait for me or anyone else to come out of our rooms or in from work to ask us to bring her a drink or to fix her something to eat when she is able to do these things. She will go hungry instead of wanting to get up. She has been told by doctors to get exercise and since then has halted on all activities. Every time someone is around her she just wants to give the poor mouth and makes up lies. And she always wanting some type of pill. The doctor has her on BP medication but that's all but she wants over the counter medication and melatonin every night. And a few times during the day. She refuses to bath no matter what aids we have purchased. And she has given up going to the bathroom independently. Instead choosing to double up depends and staying in it all day not understanding this is the source of her uti all the time. Not counting the toilet paper she wads in there too . I don't know how to help her anymore I make doctors appointments she refuses to go. Any advice?
Tell her that this is not working out and put a plan in motion to move her somewhere else.
I hope that you are not supporting her by paying for her "stuff". It is not up to you to support her either physically or financially.
Take your life back, it is now or never, she could live for a long time, my mother is 98!
If its found that there is no problem then she needs to be told she does for herself. If she refuses too, then she cannot live with you because u refuse to be her slave.
If she does not move I would see an eviction attorney and evict her.
Currently, if you allow her to boss you around as tho you are a slave, you are enabling her behavior. That is your choice. You can make better choices in future but it will take some intent and determination to change the habits that you two have formed together.
Basically this is up to you, but do know, that waiting on someone who is able is not doing them any favor. I am 80 and I understand "use it or lose it" to a whole new degree now.
Best of luck to you both. MIL, whether ex or not, needs to get her own living situation.
Many of us here have told our moms a fib to get them to the doctor's for an initial assessment-I told my mom it was a new Medicare requirement, you could tell her it's for another UTI. At this point, if she can't make herself a sandwich she isn't going to be able to get herself to the doctor's so you or ex-family will have to gently get her there.
Understand that, if this is dementia, it affects a lot more than memory. It will affect her ability to be able to execute tasks like getting food or showering, take her meds the right way, and her ability to use logic or problem solve, because her brain is shrinking and the connections aren't working well.
This is an excellent read that will help you understand dementia better--take a look and see if this fits. You'll have to paste the whole thing in your browser-I can't make the links work.
https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half
Some videos:
10 early signs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqmqC-702Yg
Dementia isn't just Memory Loss: 5 losses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0
Inability to recognize they have dementia (Anosognosia) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nw3YUDQJuY
Moderate Dementia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs
Links about Alzheimer's and other dementia's:
https://www.alz.org/
Dementia Forums:
https://alzconnected.org/categories
It sounds like your ex MIL is suffering from dementia, honestly, as she's exhibiting the classic signs.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Refusing showers is discussed in the booklet as well.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you
Obviously, they supported their son and that meant I got a total divorce from his entire family. It was a loss for me and he didn't have enough sense to appreciate the awesome family he was blessed with.
She's not healthy. She is mentally ill. She needs to be out of your home and in assisted living, if not memory care. Others on here can give advice on how to get that rolling.
Until then, you cannot and must not wait on her like she expects. She thinks living in your house means you are taking care of her. And in her world that means you serve her.
She wants to go hungry before getting up to eat? Too bad. When she's hungry enough, she'll get up. She can gripe about being hungry all she wants; she can get to the kitchen. Do not bring her food.
She's thirsty? She knows where the water and glasses are.
She doesn’t make good decisions, which means she is incapable of it from what you describe. She won’t bathe - a healthy person in our culture wants to be clean.
And so on.
Her family needs to remove their blindfolds and see what is really happening. She’s mentally ill, you’re enabling her by preserving the notion that yeah, she’s really healthy, and she needs to be in care somewhere that she can get help.
This is a hallmark behavior of dementia. Start by having her MPoA take her in for a cognitive/memory exam (and to discount other health issues that mimic dementia symptoms, like a UTI, thyroid, diabetes, etc). It may be worth having her hearing checked as well. You will have to use a "therapeutic fib" to get her in to see the doctor: Medicare requires an annual check-up... whatever you think will motivate her to go.
Then, educate yourselves about dementia. Teepa Snow has great videos on YouTube that teach how to better interact with dementia sufferers so that you can have more peaceful and productive daily lives with them.
It will take you some time to adjust to viewing your Mom through a different lense...the lense of dementia. Dementia slowly robs people of their ability to use reason logic and therefore good judgment; erases their short-term memory; blocks them from having empathy for others; distorts their sense of time and space; etc. Been there, done that.
I’m coming up to your MIL’s age, and the idea of behaving like this – or the behavior being tolerated - is totally unbelievable. Why are you tolerating it at all? If she will ‘go hungry’ rather than do things for herself, why not let her go hungry?
If MIL can force your unusual family to wait on her, she has no incentive to change. Why are you allowing it all? If it's about cost sharing, do some sums about whether it is all worthwhile - and cost into it the 'waiting on hand and foot' which is being provided.