🙄 Still waiting to hear which loved one you have all this experience with caring for at home, when you didn't think it was "a good idea", as this OP has stated in his post?
Help mom figure out which senior lifestyle building would suit her best. Independent Living, Assisted Living or a Continuum of Care set up where she starts out in IL then moves to AL as needed. Your home is not an option, sorry ma, and it would be boring with no activities or opportunities to make friends etc. Which is the absolute truth. I told my parents right up front that moving in with me was not an option, and found them a great high rise IL senior apartment bldg 5 miles from my home. They loved it there. Then they moved to AL where dad died 10 months later and mom lived for 7 years encircled by her group of lady friends.
Give your mom the gift of autonomy instead of the penalty of being a burden to your family. It affects the quality of everyone's life enormously.
Good luck being honest with your mom. In the end, it's a lot easier than cohabitating with her for potentially 20 years!
I will be 75. I cannot imagine asking my girls to come live with them or visa versa. They are 39 and 47. If I am going to be alone all day it will be in my house. Have a number of friends who are widows. They seem to have adjusted to widowhood. Two had boyfriends within a year of husbands' deaths. One husband had Parkinson's the other was 18 yrs older.
Is this a cultural thing? I agree, Mom needs to learn to be alone. She has to find interests of her own. My Mom was 78 when Dad passed. She had her Church and widowed friends. She kept herself busy. Mom needs time to adjust. They say not to make any major decisions for a year after a spouse dies. You need to be honest with Mom "sorry, I don't think us living together will work. You will need to adjust to being a widow. Give it time."
If she has a house that she can't keep up, then it may be better to sell and find a nice 55 and up apt. Using the proceeds of her house to help with expenses. Do not enable her or disable her by doing too much for her. If she needs the lawn mowed, she needs to hire someone. She can't clean her house, hire someone. Just 2 examples.
We have had OPs take on responsibility of parents homes when they have homes of their own and jobs. They were exhausted. Your Mom's life is going to change and she needs to learn to go with the changes. Living with her children is not the answer. And looks like you already know how things would go. So, as said, boundaries will need to be made. You have a family and they come first. Also, two women cannot live together. Especially a MIL and DIL. Especially if the home belongs to one of them.
Tell your mother: "Mom, I love you, and I am so sorry for your loss and all the losses you are facing now, but I cannot LIVE with you and I won't be trying to. That isn't up for argument. That's a simple fact we both have to live with. We can mourn it but we can't change it. I hope you'll let me help you find a place you can enjoy, let me continue to be your loving daughter visiting you and taking you out. I am not cut out to be a caregiver."
If she begins to argue this statement simply tell her that you have no intention of arguing the matter as your mind will not be changed.
Not everything can be fixed. Your mom lived a long life. This isn't the first time she has been unhappy, has mourned losses. This is what old age is, to be honest. It's loss after loss after loss. I am 81. I guarantee it.
Be honest. Start out honest and don't equivocate as that will be terribly painful in the end.
You don't tell us how long ago she was widowed, but if it was fairly recent, she is still grieving and adjusting.
If she attends a church, it may have a grief support group. She should feel free to call around to other churches in her area for grief support groups. She won't need to be a member, or part of that denomination. She may not even need to have a certain belief.
Also, she is at a high risk for depression, so be on the lookout for symptoms in her and encourage her to talk to her doctor or a therapist about it.
Do not agree to let her live with you. You don't have to give her any reasons except that it isn't a long-term solution so why not figure out what that would be now. Options for her would be a 55+ community that has social events and activities. Or a continuum of care community that starts with IL but then has AL, MC, and LTC (and sometimes hospice) on the campus.
She may need some guidance regarding her finances, especially if her spouse was the one who paid the bills and did the budgeting and planning. It would also be a good time to help her get her legal ducks in a row, so that she has a PoA in place, along with other important protections, like a Advanced Healthcare Directive and Last Will.
Mom is facing a huge life change and is likely fearful of what’s next. She views moving in with you as the easy option but isn’t seeing the hardships of how that will negatively impact your relationship. Don’t try to explain that to her, at this point she’ll probably have an answer to any concern you raise. Rather, simply state it’s not possible, and move on to suggestions on how you can help her adjust to her new circumstances. Does she possibly need to move somewhere smaller and easier to manage? Somewhere with less memories? Does she need help with home or lawn maintenance? Does she need grief support? GriefShare is a great source for that. Perhaps she needs to meet new friends and build a community of support? Help her find ways of doing that. Find ways that are doable for you both to help her adjust to a new life, with the living together not being on the table
Another Place to meet people is Omega Institute it is a summer camp with all sorts of courses That is In Rhinebeck, NY . Upaya Zen center They are Buddhist But Have great classes and you can Join on Zoom or in person in Santa Fe, NM . They Just Had a travel group to Japan . Frank Ostaseski has a Support group He Has done a Lot in the death and dying field . There is a Telluride Mushroom Festival in Colorado . Sisters On the Fly a Meet up for woman who Like to camp . Haystack craft school on Deer Isle in Maine another neat Place . There are a ton of things Out there for single people .Have her go on a retreat at Mount Madonna in California . Some People Love cruises One Older guy I talked to went on Norwegian cruise line and has been to Bermuda 5 times . There are a Lot of single people in the world and a ton of activities to explore . Pickleball is Popular in Boston .Also Blue Spirit in Costa Rica a sister site of Omega run By Woman .
I don't know how long ago your mom lost her husband, but I would just give her time to adjust. She will be ok living on her own, and she if like me will learn to enjoy and relish her new found freedom. Your mom still has a lot of living and enjoying of her life to do, so let her figure out exactly what that will look like for herself. I would make it crystal clear that moving in with you is NOT an option, but you can offer other options like independent or assisted living, where she will be around other people her age and where she can be involved as she wants to be. But honestly I would just give her time to adjust to her new life without her husband. You may find that in time she really enjoys being on her own, coming and going as she pleases, and doing what she wants, if she wants and when she wants.
Buy Her a Cruise to go on she will meet people and Perhaps find a Partner . Also find a room Mate . Nesterly.com ( Room Mates ) or the Next door .com a neighborhood site that has groups to Join or find a room Mate . Roomates.com .. Have her join a gardening club . There is also Meet.up for Hiking and other activities . If she is Lonely have her get a small dog and meet people at the Dog Park . She can Visit you on Holidays that's when single people get Lonely . There Maybe a widow support group also . Greif support groups . She May Need to speak with a Grief counselor or therapist to get her Life back On track and share her feelings .
Going on a cruise, Wow! Just yesterday I had an experience that made me reflect on cruises. I live near a large city on the West Coast. Due to to various circumstances I had not been out and about on my own for some time, but yesterday I went out driving around to some of my "old haunts" to do some shopping, run errands, etc. Many of the retailers I had known were gone, but I saw a rather large building with a big CRUISES sign that looked alive and cheerful, so in I went to ask for directions. Boy was that place booming with business, confirmed by a nice sales lady.
Anyway, yes to cruises, IF your relative seems up for it. (Personally, I've never been on one and can't see this happening for me). But it could be a nice "change of pace" idea for someone needing not to be alone and have a bit of fun & some good food (which I hear is generally excellent on cruises). But get some professional help with the "right kind" of cruise for your relative: not a huge cruise ship that's like a "floating city," with people getting inebriated and jumping off ship (which, based on media stories seems to happen on occasion) but something smaller, more intimate, probably no more than about a week cruise or even just a long weekend to "test the waters" so to speak, to see if she likes it. If she has the funds, why not invite a young person (a niece for example) to accompany her? My former stepmother did this, and I think it went well. Good luck!
Let her know NOW she cannot live with you and your family. You cannot provide the care she wants. Women loose their husbands all the time in their senior years, and need to make their own plans and not become burdens to their children.
If she "doesn't want to live alone" Assisted Living will be a safe place, with people her own age, so she won't be lonely or scared. Plus 3 meals, snacks, no more utility bills, housecleaning and more activities. A nice retirement community with a Staff to wait on her. They provide transportation and excursions too.
Otherwise, she's home alone all day until you get home from work and start hustling with dinner and double the chores. She will expect 100% attention that you cannot give. Stop it now before you get pressured into it and regret it. She can rent a room out in her home and have a roommate and extra money too.
No, it certainly wouldn't! If she doesn't want to live alone, she can find a compatible housemate in her same circumstances. Or she can go to an assisted living place where she will meet many new friends and enjoy all the activities.
Sometimes our parents make demands that we cannot fill. This is thoughtless of them because it requires us to make many sacrifices. At 75, your mom may live a long time, and if she's relied on your dad, she may be scared about what will happen next. Encourage her to go to a grief support group. Help her to finally grow up and become independent, not DEpendent on you.
You're going to have to put your foot down and tell her NO. You deserve your own family life without becoming a household that must meet the demands of a 75-year-old mom who needs to make her own life now. I'm sure she can do that with your encouragement.
Give your mom the gift of autonomy instead of the penalty of being a burden to your family. It affects the quality of everyone's life enormously.
Good luck being honest with your mom. In the end, it's a lot easier than cohabitating with her for potentially 20 years!
Is this a cultural thing? I agree, Mom needs to learn to be alone. She has to find interests of her own. My Mom was 78 when Dad passed. She had her Church and widowed friends. She kept herself busy. Mom needs time to adjust. They say not to make any major decisions for a year after a spouse dies. You need to be honest with Mom "sorry, I don't think us living together will work. You will need to adjust to being a widow. Give it time."
If she has a house that she can't keep up, then it may be better to sell and find a nice 55 and up apt. Using the proceeds of her house to help with expenses. Do not enable her or disable her by doing too much for her. If she needs the lawn mowed, she needs to hire someone. She can't clean her house, hire someone. Just 2 examples.
We have had OPs take on responsibility of parents homes when they have homes of their own and jobs. They were exhausted. Your Mom's life is going to change and she needs to learn to go with the changes. Living with her children is not the answer. And looks like you already know how things would go. So, as said, boundaries will need to be made. You have a family and they come first. Also, two women cannot live together. Especially a MIL and DIL. Especially if the home belongs to one of them.
"Mom, I love you, and I am so sorry for your loss and all the losses you are facing now, but I cannot LIVE with you and I won't be trying to. That isn't up for argument. That's a simple fact we both have to live with. We can mourn it but we can't change it. I hope you'll let me help you find a place you can enjoy, let me continue to be your loving daughter visiting you and taking you out. I am not cut out to be a caregiver."
If she begins to argue this statement simply tell her that you have no intention of arguing the matter as your mind will not be changed.
Not everything can be fixed. Your mom lived a long life. This isn't the first time she has been unhappy, has mourned losses. This is what old age is, to be honest. It's loss after loss after loss. I am 81. I guarantee it.
Be honest. Start out honest and don't equivocate as that will be terribly painful in the end.
If she attends a church, it may have a grief support group. She should feel free to call around to other churches in her area for grief support groups. She won't need to be a member, or part of that denomination. She may not even need to have a certain belief.
Also, she is at a high risk for depression, so be on the lookout for symptoms in her and encourage her to talk to her doctor or a therapist about it.
Do not agree to let her live with you. You don't have to give her any reasons except that it isn't a long-term solution so why not figure out what that would be now. Options for her would be a 55+ community that has social events and activities. Or a continuum of care community that starts with IL but then has AL, MC, and LTC (and sometimes hospice) on the campus.
She may need some guidance regarding her finances, especially if her spouse was the one who paid the bills and did the budgeting and planning. It would also be a good time to help her get her legal ducks in a row, so that she has a PoA in place, along with other important protections, like a Advanced Healthcare Directive and Last Will.
Your mom still has a lot of living and enjoying of her life to do, so let her figure out exactly what that will look like for herself.
I would make it crystal clear that moving in with you is NOT an option, but you can offer other options like independent or assisted living, where she will be around other people her age and where she can be involved as she wants to be.
But honestly I would just give her time to adjust to her new life without her husband. You may find that in time she really enjoys being on her own, coming and going as she pleases, and doing what she wants, if she wants and when she wants.
Anyway, yes to cruises, IF your relative seems up for it. (Personally, I've never been on one and can't see this happening for me). But it could be a nice "change of pace" idea for someone needing not to be alone and have a bit of fun & some good food (which I hear is generally excellent on cruises). But get some professional help with the "right kind" of cruise for your relative: not a huge cruise ship that's like a "floating city," with people getting inebriated and jumping off ship (which, based on media stories seems to happen on occasion) but something smaller, more intimate, probably no more than about a week cruise or even just a long weekend to "test the waters" so to speak, to see if she likes it. If she has the funds, why not invite a young person (a niece for example) to accompany her? My former stepmother did this, and I think it went well. Good luck!
You are going to need that for the years ahead of you, so start now.
It's a very bad idea, you could end up with your mom for 20 plus years.
Your mom's not the first 75 year old to suddenly feel alone, and she won't be the last.
Be there for her to help her though, but don't move her in
If she "doesn't want to live alone" Assisted Living will be a safe place, with people her own age, so she won't be lonely or scared. Plus 3 meals, snacks, no more utility bills, housecleaning and more activities. A nice retirement community with a Staff to wait on her. They provide transportation and excursions too.
Otherwise, she's home alone all day until you get home from work and start hustling with dinner and double the chores. She will expect 100% attention that you cannot give. Stop it now before you get pressured into it and regret it. She can rent a room out in her home and have a roommate and extra money too.
Sometimes our parents make demands that we cannot fill. This is thoughtless of them because it requires us to make many sacrifices. At 75, your mom may live a long time, and if she's relied on your dad, she may be scared about what will happen next. Encourage her to go to a grief support group. Help her to finally grow up and become independent, not DEpendent on you.
You're going to have to put your foot down and tell her NO. You deserve your own family life without becoming a household that must meet the demands of a 75-year-old mom who needs to make her own life now. I'm sure she can do that with your encouragement.