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We have only been married for 8 years but find him abusive to me verbally and about my family, behind their backs who are lovely to him. He stopped taking his sertraline months ago so is even more abusive and won’t take it again. Also this is an ongoing thing he occasionally cannot hold his bowels.

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Thank you all so much for your kind answers. You are quite right, it’s time he has to make a choice, there is so much more going on here, his family ex wife etc that I shouldn’t be dealing with.
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I agree with most of the advice given here to you. The abuse is terrible but aside from that, are you the one cleaning up after his “uncontrollable bowels”? It takes a special kind of commitment even in the best of relationships to deal with that.
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Retirement years & old age is supposed to be a time of enjoyment and stress free living, for the most part. What it's not supposed to be is a time when you're being abused by a fairly new husband who's calling you 'frigid' because of his OWN inadequacies, has exploding bowels, refuses to take his medications for trumped up & nonsensical reasons, blames you for what's wrong with HIS life, and speaks badly about your family who treats him beautifully.

Think long & hard about what you want the rest of your life to look like, and then make a decision based on that answer. Then, give your husband ONE last chance to get back on his anti-depressants and to start acting like the loving man you met and married, otherwise, let him know you're FINISHED with this marriage.

Say what you mean & mean what you say.

Wishing you the best of luck with whatever decision you make.
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For me abuse is totally unacceptable, I will not take abuse from anyone. If it were my husband, I would walk away. As he continues down the path of dementia, this abuse will get worse and you may end up being his punching bag.

Ask yourself the hard question...is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? If yes, then be prepared for the worst...if no, start walking.
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Lillian; I agree that he sounds like a troubled soul, but perhaps going to see a therapist might give you some clarity about what is going on here.

I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with you, but usually it's the healthy partner in the relationship that seeks help, not the troubled one.
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Lillian, this doesn't sound like much of a "marriage" to me.

Is there a reason that you stay? Believe me, I try hard not to see divorce or even separation as the first option, but I don't think that sticking around for abuse like this is good for either of you.

Have you considered seeing a lawyer?
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Lillian, do you really want to spend your very active older years living like this?
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He won’t take the medication again as he say it interferes with his manhood!! Not that that’s an option and he calls me frigid and in Costa the other day. He turns everything around and says I’m the one needing help
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swilson1 Dec 17, 2019
Gaslighting!
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Actually I’m a very young active 73 year old
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1.He needs to be evaluated to determine what is going on.
2. If he needs the medication to help control his abusive behavior then that is a non negotiable item.
3. If the doctor finds that he has dementia, he can probably no longer make medical decisions for himself.
4. No matter what the doctors find YOU need to keep YOU safe. So if he is not taking medication to control his abusive behavior, Or if the medication is not working you need to remove yourself from the situation or you need to remove him.
I have stressed here in many posts that SAFETY is the number 1 priority.
Your safety and the person you are caring for.
I suggest you talk to an Elder Care Attorney and determine what options you might have.
It does not take much for someone with dementia to transition from verbal abuse to physical. And they may not even realize what they are doing. (friend awoke when her husband put his hand around her neck with one hand while holding a kitchen knife with the other)
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Has he been thoroughly checked by his doctor? If it were me, the abuse alone would get me out of there. This is a toxic relationship. Your profile says you are very young. How young is very young?
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