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Some idea's:

1.
Find out how much it will cost to have home care for your Mom and send each one of your children a letter detailing the cost of health care, food and other expenses involved in taking care of their grandma. And say if they want Gma to stay at home, they will each have to divide the cost among themselves. And ask if they would like to have a direct deposit from their paychecks or do they want to pay up front. Lesson 1: it is easy to judge someone else's actions when you have no skin in the game!

2. Tell them you have to go away from the area for four weeks and will put the care of their dear grandma in each one of their hands for one week. Upon your return, you will have a family meeting and discuss Gma's situation. Lesson 2: Until someone walks in someone else's shoes, they can't make a fair assessment of what actions/behaviors should take place.

Lesson 3 for your children:
It is painful to see someone you love suffer but trying to manipulate another family ( their Mom) take the entire burden upon themselves is unfair and unkind.
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Reply to ellenH6
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Each one needs to spend an entire long weekend with Gma doing everything for her. That should shut them up. 4 days.

Say something like "I'm so glad you care so much about her. She wants to come stay with you this weekend while I get a much-needed vacay. What time do I need to have her over to your house to stay with you?"

Of course, there will be every excuse imaginable from every single one of them as to why they cannot do this now or ever.

They are simply IGNORANT of what is involved. You owe them no explanation. Gma is complaining to them and they are listening to her.
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Reply to XenaJada
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Just wondering how old are your children? Also I was wondering what type of long term care have you chosen for your mother: Skilled, Assisted, or Memory?
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Lostinva May 31, 2019
Mom needs skilled long term care. We are 70! Our children are 50, 49, 46 & 41!!!! I don’t want them to go through what we have with us!! Hopefully they’ll continue to watch & understand!!
We’re healthy but we never know what will come our way, do we?
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You will likely need to get the help and counseling of a good licensed social worker who deals with end of life issues or a psychologist so you can stand up strong right where you need to be. Guilt is a part of life. We are none of us strong enough to die saints and martyrs. The answer for your children is a loving and gentle "I wish I were strong enough to do it all, but I am not, and there is no one to help me with it; I must make my own decisions about it. Know that I have already judged myself as lacking, so your time spent judging me will be a waste of time for you, and overkill for me. You will face your own decisions some day in your care of me, and will be revisiting all these issues with a different perspective. Know that I know NOW that your lives come first; they are the only lives you will get. And whatever I say then I understand now your decisions for me in the future". There is nothing you can do to make them understand now. You owe it to yourself not to throw your life away. You know your limits. Stay within them. And again, guilt? That is the American way. Welcome it in as but another feeling, among many, that will come and go like weather fronts.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Lostinva May 31, 2019
Thank you so much! We’ve had conversations, they’re coming around except for 1!!!
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My quick answer to others knowing what is best for a situation that they don't understand is, "She who sweeps the floor, picks the broom. "

The other thing I have told my (useless but opinionated) BIL is that his advice will be given consideration in direct relation to his help.

So, like everyone else on here has said...do what you need to in order to take care of yourself. Let go of the guilt - you don't deserve it. They are all right.
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Reply to metoo111
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Lostinva Jun 1, 2019
Thank you so much for your comment. I will remember the line about advice, good one!! This also will work with my brother who is not against LTC but does nothing to help otherwise. Likes to give advice but that’s it.
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Why do your children have an opinion in this matter? Are they stepping in to be the caregiver?

What is their alternate plan?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Lostinva Jun 3, 2019
The 3 that aren’t around her every day & live far away, only 1 agrees with me. My daughter, who lives 1 hour away & sees Gma totally understands since being around her more. My daughter took Gma yesterday out shopping & to eat & my mom was horrible!! Complain, nasty!!! I doubt if she’ll ever take her again & I don’t blame her. Now she understands what we’ve gone through & knows LTC is the answer before she destroys our sanity!!
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They're happy to judge, are they?

So, when will they be happy to volunteer?

Tell them you're quite unhappy enough about YOUR mother needing this level of care without their making it worse. Unless that's the idea, they can just cut it out.

Ooo! So cross on your behalf!
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Lostinva Jun 21, 2019
The son that gives me the most guilt lives in Seattle. Other 2 sons in Phoenix & Sarasota. Son in Phoenix got upset with his brothers & told them they had no idea what mom was going through & to lay off. Daughter here now “sees” it. So, maybe coming around some. Btw, I live in Va, boys aren’t close.
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Please don’t feel guilty. Perhaps don’t discuss it with them until it is done. Tell what you have just told us. If they press it then ask them to take her in and look after her. She’s not alone. There are people all around her. What do they think is going to happen? They have no idea. Tell them visiting often would be great. Make up roster between them. And share their care
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Reply to PandabearAUS
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Perhaps they are worried that any future inheritance will be dwindled away
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Lostinva Jun 21, 2019
Nope, Mom has nothing.
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You have to get the other 'kids' to visit and have them spend the day alone with Grandma to understand. One full day just might be enough.

My kids love my father but they don't get to see the guy I have to deal with so I always look like this terrible person. When we were getting ready to move him to AL and needed to pack up or get rid of his things I got my daughter to take a Saturday morning with him so I could get a break as I was going there every night after work. She got to see it. Now she knows why I am always so frustrated with him.

My coworker was dealing with her mother. Both her sons who lived far away expected her to convert her condo into a hospital room and keep grandma there. They expected her to get aids while she was at work but other than that spend 24/7 with grandma who was quite nasty. They said it was her responsibility. Some people are completely oblivious to what is truly involved.
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Lostinva Jun 21, 2019
You are so right, they have no idea. My daughter lives fairly close & was here last weekend. She saw her Gma in all her glory & told me later that she was sorry she said anything & that “Gma is crazy”! Lol! I can’t do this 24/7 any longer. She acted out this am, verbally abusive & my husband walked out the door. My marriage is more important than her constant wants & needs! Friends call & all I can do is cry. Thank goodness for those that truly understand. Thank you for your post, needed that!!!
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@fairieflies- “ I hope and pray that my children KNOW that it's perfectly "alright" to "unload" me on someone else for care. It's well past time to end the generational cycle of guilt that enslaves one generation to another. Care-giving should be a choice freely made NOT something that MUST be done. “
Most excellent quote.
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Lostinva Jun 22, 2019
We continue to talk & Im sure once she’s placed, the guilt will start all over again. I’m more prepared to handle it now. Thank you
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This might be the 'kick in the butt' that tells you that something needs to change. Has you mom ever had a trip to the ER? Next time one is needed, refuse to take her home. The hospital will find a place for her. It is the only way.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Lostinva Jun 22, 2019
Read my latest response. LTC is in the works but if she should have an ER visit, you’re right, she move up to the top of the list if a room available. Thank you
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You just answered your own question. Your kids have no idea what it takes to be a caregiver 24/7. Do whatever you feel is best. I’m going through the same thing. I’ve had mom for 8 years and my health is failing. I have no family, and I need a break!! Can’t do it any longer. Just research the best facilities for your mom. Visit and see for yourself. Ask for recommendations. Good luck. My heart goes out to you.
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Lostinva Jun 22, 2019
Thankyou! Mom was approved for Medicaid this week. Took only a month, I’m impressed!! SS told me to call the facility I picked & let them know. With this, she should move up on the list!! Hopefully things will continue in the right direction. She’s not happy but I’ve had enough. She’s being overly sweet which is not her for sure. Guess she thinks I’ll change my mind.
I hope things turn around for you, this isn’t an easy life but we deserve one too! We put my mom in respite care for 10 days while we went on a much deserved vacation. She went to an AL, expensive but worth it! Do that for yourself too!!
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In my state you only have 90 days to get her into a facility. You may want to check this out with Medicaid.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I’m glad mom finally got her Medicaid approval! I hope a spot opens up in the nursing home soon!
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