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@robandjane,

Since you don't know what my caregiving position was like, you really can't speculate.
The out of town family did not leave me access to a credit card so there couldn't be any ordering and delivery going on. I certainly wasn't going to use my credit card for client supplies and groceries. I know better. Every person who's ever worked doing in-home care has had to chase their pay down at one time or another, even when they're agency hired.
Also, good luck finding a reputable agency. I've worked for many years as agency help and for the top nation-wide chains. They offer the in-home caregiver no support or training. That's why I went private care only. The pay was whatever price I named and I was used to no agency support or supervision.
This the reality of caregiving work. If you've found a good one hold onto them and don't knit-pick because it usually doesn't end well for the clients.
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debster84, I am curious if you ever had a chance to do hands-on caregiving for your Mother recently?

So many think that just changing caregivers will fix the problem, it won't unless the family sees for themselves by doing hands-on caregiving for at least a couple of weeks to understand how it is for the caregiver.

When my Dad had caregivers, I did all the shopping. If there was an urgent need for an item, I would pick it up during my lunch break or after work. I was an excellent organizer but there were times when unexpected things would crop up.

The most important thing, is how your Mother likes the caregiver. When my Dad needed around the clock watch, the Agency sent our a different person each day for each shift. That way my Dad could pick the persons he felt the most comfortable with and who understood his love of puns jokes :) It was a win-win situation. Each shift was 8 hours, that way no one got burnt out.

I remember when my boss' wife caregiver gave notice, it was almost impossible to replace her as his wife [who had dementia] refused to accept anyone new. His only choice was to take leave from work and do the caregiving until his wife finally accepted someone new. I could tell it took a toll on him.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
Well put, freqflyer. You explained exactly how it is.
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It’s always a good idea to have a relief caregiver who can be there when the regular caregiver has to leave, either to get something for the patient or for her own personal reasons, which do come up. For my parents, one after the other, we had a 24/7 live/in caregiver, plus the relief caregiver who was sometimes there at the same time to help with moving the patient or cook the food or whatever, and me. It took three people to handle home caregiving. We were all physically fit. And it was expensive, and that’s what it took to allow my parents to die at home. That took 6 years for both. It wasn’t a good plan. This is why I firmly believe that the patient should go to a care facility when the time comes. Home care sounds great - until you have to do it.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
Fawnby,

A caregiving situation like what you had for your parents is pretty much non-existent. It sounds ideal and you are probably the only family that ever did this. I never knew one in 25 years of service who ever hired that much help. The idea of a relief caregiver when needs arise is a great idea.
How did you pay her? What were her hours.
If the relief caregiver had to be there whenever she was needed, then that person was pretty much on-call 24/7. How could they work another job if they could be called at any time?
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You hired her not your mother. You have made every effort to make it easy for the CG not leave your mother. As said in other posts trust your gut and if you feel that she needs to be let go do it. I am taking on my mothers attitude... if they have the nerve to say... they you have the nerve to say...
Prayers for you and yours
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
Who's money pays her? The OP's or her mother's?
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Trust your gut absolutely.
Fire her now and get someone else.
You do not owe her a notice and I would trust someone even less after I gave them notice and they had two weeks to stew over the firing.
If a basic tenant of the agreement that you entered into with this caregiver is that she would not ever leave the home; then you should let her go and tell her why.
Your mom may not like you for it; but she will trust someone else after a bit too.

Point of note: Even licensed agencies will fire on the spot. We had a caregiver hired through an agency for my MIL/FIL and when my MIL told us she gave April a check for 'school'; we immediately told the agency and they called her in and fired her on the spot. She was not allowed to accept a 'gift' from a patient and knew that and they didn't hesitate to fire her and replace her with someone else immediately.

Go through a reputable agency and you should have less problems.
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this is just my opinion:

TRUST your gut.
OP, you have a bad feeling about the caregiver. she's done several bad things. you don't trust her.

it doesn't matter at all what those things are. YOU don't trust her, and you have your reasons.

normally, it's just the tip of the iceberg: it means more bad things are going on, and more bad things will appear in the future.

i now have quite a lot of experience with hiring home aides. where i live, it's very hard to find trustworthy aides. many people are actually thieves, who pretend to be caregivers (also in the agencies). we've had good and bad aides.

the thing is:
finding someone else isn't easy either. and you have no way of knowing if the next person is more trustworthy.

still: i repeat, trust your gut.
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To what degree is your mother's cognitive decline? If she was given a phone would she know how to call 911 emergency if she had to?
If she still has that mental capacity she can be left alone for short periods of time.
My last caregiver position was as the first-shift for a an elderly bedbound woman who had 24-hour care. When she's be napping which was often that is when I would go to the store because it was also my job to keep the place supplied. All of her products (diapers, wipes, creams, medications, pads, etc...), the groceries, the cleaning products. I also did all the housekeeping. I usually went out a few times a week so I'd never be gone more than a half hour or so.
Then nursing came on the scene (we were all privately hired). She didn't need it, but when there's an old person with money and top insurance, the sharks smell blood in the water and they show up. They carried on about the 20 minutes I was gone getting diapers. We needed diapers. Not in two days when the order they'd place would arrive but that day because she was in her last one. Nursing's answer was to just ler her crap and piss the bed until the diapers got delivered. Or go to the store on my off time. Not one was willing to go to the store for her or the pharmacy on their off time or work time. Not one of the several nurses and social workers was willing to do this, or to even wait there for 20 minutes while I went.
Caregivers who are alone in a situation have to make decisions. Like going to the store in a low-risk situation versus the client being out of diapers or meds or food. I always went to the store the hour before my shift ended. So even if I got killed in a car accident or struck by lightening, the 2nd shift worker is coming so the client is only ever alone for 20 - 30 minutes.
How long has she been with your mom?
Don't knit-pick the caregiver if your mother likes her and she keeps up on the work. If chastizing her about picking up the food is going to make your mother uncomfortable don't do it. You're not the one receiving care. Your mother is, and if that care is good leave it alone.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I've been with many families who's answer to everything was replace the caregiver over and over again. They were never satisfied. You won't be either. Families often make the mistake in thinking that the one caregiver in the house is supposed to do the jobs of a full staff. That doesn't happen and you may just end up with a revolving door of caregivers which is a real headache.
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robandjane Aug 2022
I'm sorry you feel the need to defend your actions; but having cared for my elderly in-laws for 3 plus years now; I can't imagine any item that can't be delivered to a home. Pre-planning so that items don't run out is just part of the deal.
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I can see both sides.
Is your mom competent? Can she make decisions herself or is she cognitively unable to make decisions?
In an emergency could she have called for help? does she have an "alert" button she can press, is there a device like Alexa set up that she could say "call 911" or "call debstra84"?
And honestly is your mom safe for a short period of time?
....the flip side....

If you hired a babysitter to watch your 2 year old while you were at work and the baby sitter left your child while they were napping to run to the store would you ask that baby sitter to return or would you be looking for another baby sitter?

Another point...How many hours is this 24/7 caregiver working? Does she get a break for lunch? (she should)
How many days a week is she working? Is she getting overtime pay?

I guess the question I have is what are the other things that she has done that you do not trust?
Have you talked to her about the other things? What was the response? Did she repeat the offence or was the action corrected in each case.

I guess I am sitting on the fence on this but bottom line is if you do not trust her and your gut instinct is telling you that you need to fine another caregiver follow your instinct. And not sure I would give 2 week notice, so much can happen in 2 weeks.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
It's not the same with a two-year old or even with someone who has dementia but is still mobile.
A two-year old can get around. A person with dementia who is still mobile can wander off.
A bedbound person can't. If they're capable of making a phone call or pressing a button on a LifeAlert pendant/bracelet then they can be left alone for short periods of time.
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Nothing happened.

What were the other things you weren't happy with?
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I think if you have lost trust in this person, replace them.

I am hoping that you do not mean that you have only 1 person caring for your bed bound mom 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, ad infinitum, with no other support in place. If that IS what you are doing, I suggest strongly you hire several care givers, because no single person can keep that up for any serious length of time. Even if the caregiver *agrees* to such an arrangement exhaustion will set in quickly and it will be much more dangerous than your mom being left alone for 20-30 minutes.
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Slartibartfast Aug 2022
No kidding about the single caregiver issue. I've been the sole 24/7 caregiver for people who were completely helpless and had all kinds of wild needs at all hours of the day. In my case they weighed around 7 pounds and were at least easy to lift and take to the store, and I still about lost my mind.
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The bottom line with any type of caregiving is ALWAYS SAFETY.

Was your mom SAFE during the time she was by herself?

Could she have fallen out of bed or accessed unsafe items by her bed, during Caregivers absence?

Were there any other PHYSICALLY DANGEROUS actions she might have performed?

Had you EXPLICITLY TOLD Caregiver NOT to leave her side FOR ANY REASON in your absence?

If your mother has not been FORMALLY ASSESSED as having specific cognitive deficits, do you trust her opinion in choosing someone to take care of her?

Have you made Caregiver fully aware of both your mother’s deficits AND YOUR EXPECTATIONS?

A “caretaker” can be someone fully trained or not.

Whether you (and/or Mother?) decide she should stay or be replaced, make sure that YOU KNOW what you expect as you go forward with your mother’s care.
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Is your mom mentally competent, and is she able to use a phone or panic button to call for help if necessary? If yes to both questions then I don't see this as a huge issue, plenty of disabled people are able to manage without 24/7 supervision, at least for short periods of time. Competent, reliable caretakers can be hard to find (this forum is full of posts from people attesting to that) so it might be more helpful to work with this caregiver rather than treat her as an adversary who needs to be controlled. On the other if hand your lack of trust in her is going to fester and you will be spending too much energy looking for her failings then it is probably better for both of you to part ways.

On another note - when you say your mother is bed bound you don't mean literally, do you? I hope you have the means to get her out of bed and into a supportive wheelchair so that she is able to enjoy the possibility of a little more quality of life?
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Cover999 Aug 2022
It sounds like it, which may have been why the CG left her alone.

The late James K and Ms Lisa Fleming from " My 600 Lb Life" were literally bed bound.
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Get a replacement caregiver.
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JoAnn29 Dec 2022
This thread is from August and OP has not responded since then.
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