I fear I will answer my own question by then end of typing this. Mum has had multiple problems before the most recent event which was a broken hip caused by a fall. She had partial hip replacement 3-4 weeks ago, and is supposed to be doing physical therapy. There are 3 siblings total, 2 of whom (me included) live a state away from Mum and our brother. Brother has taken the caretaker roll and does a splendid job juggling Mum's finances, living arrangements (she lives in an independent apartment in a retirement facility), medical care, etc. Before the broken hip incident, Mum was barely surviving in her apartment. Clearly, she belonged in Assisted Living, not Independent Living. She sits on her couch all day long, and recently was found to have dirty depends, toilet paper, and assorted trash surrounding her, so she was no longer getting up to even use the toilet. In the past 4 months, she has had to use her life alert 6 times. 3 of those times she soiled herself. The staff is not equipped to, nor expected to, help with those sorts of things, but brother's reaction is to complain about how stupid the staff is. In my view, it is a beautifully maintained place, with friendly residents and caring staff. Mum alone decided to isolate herself, does not leave her apartment, all meals delivered to her (during COVID this is norm, but before that she declined to go to the dining room as well). Friendly women neighbors have been rebuffed by Mum. Brother takes care of her every need, but he has his own family and works full time, so time with Mum is limited. Still, he was visiting her daily, cleaning up after her, bringing food (because of course she hates the food there), shopping, even helping her shower, etc.
So flash forward to now, she did great after surgery, in the hospital at first she was getting up and taking steps, then the minute she was sent to rehab she began "falling asleep" or keeping her eyes closed during therapy. She would tell the therapist she was too tired, so they couldn't continue. By the second day, the staff was using a crane-type apparatus and up to 3 people to move her out of bed to toilet. Brother (and us siblings) were racking our brains and busting the internet trying to figure out what was wrong with her- medication? dementia? Brother blamed the rehab facility claiming all nurses, PTs and doctors were either incompetent or lying on her chart to "kill her", so he took her home against doctor's orders. He claimed he could take better care of her himself, planned to stay at her place for a week -7 days 24/7- to motivate her to get on the toilet, eat properly, monitor her meds, and thus for her to be able to "get back to normal". I, on the other hand, am seeing all too clearly that Mum herself is not doing anything to facilitate her "recovery". She seems perfectly happy to have my brother change her soiled diaper (she won't even get up to tip on the commode near her couch- even with help). Now she is showing symptoms of dementia- forgetting where she is, who we are, thinking Daddy is still alive. God forgive me, but I'm just not buying it.
Why does the dementia occur sporadically? And why now, nearly 4 weeks post surgery, is it suddenly manifesting itself? She's closed her eyes, and "sleeping" 20 hours a day. I speak to her on the phone every day and when I ask how she's doing, she says "everything hurts". When I ask what, she can't define. Brother is insisting we all come and help because after 24 hours he can't "do this". I was against removing her from rehab in the first place and told him so at the time. Am I cruel? I feel I can't tell him that, he'll go ballistic. So I try to be as supportive as I can over the phone. I don't want to leave my family (I have a disabled daughter and would have to make care arrangements for her). I can't support what I believe is his enabling behavior and Mum's typical behavior. But when I say this out loud to myself, it sounds cruel, or that I don't love my Mum. I do love her.