My dad died in May while he was dying mum had an aunt and uncle round her I was on my own I wanted my mum. My mum "said I can't deal with you now" I cried but she wouldn't talk to me or comfort me. It was the doctor and nurses who comforted me. I was 60 I was 61 when he died. The day dad died she was having lunch in the room i had my hand on dads chest i told her was going but she didnt rush then when i said" hes gone" she was up and cryin "mike open your eyes" that was the start. we saw a funeral director she was all tears chose what she wanted then it was left to me. The funeral was awful she was all tears but spent her time talking to the funeral director afterwards, I delt with family and friend at the wake that i arranged she sat with my friend's getting tipsy i was the one greating people and it was noticed. Mum has always had a selfish side but this was full blown. Days after the funeral she was clearing his stuff out of cupboards, shelves ect "Junk" she called it. Dad was a bit of a hoarder of wood so the next thing was trips to the Local dump until i told her we needed a skip. In all this time she didn't see my distress or pain and I don't just mean emotional I have rheumatoid and ostiarthritis. If I tried to talk to her about dad it was "I don't want to talk about it" we had a row once and she threw "I lost my husband " but what about me losing my beloved dad? Over the last few months, mum's condition has gotten so much worse. She is paranoid that I talk behind her back about stuff and that I hate her, she is nasty constantly blaming me for stuff, saying i never listen to her or ask how is its all about me. She is so forgetful she puts stuff down cant find it she swore blind her deodorant was in the bathroom and i moved it but I spotted it by the side of her bed all she said is "I didn't put it there". She says she has told me stuff when she hasn't and I tell her things but then swears blind I have not and am lying. I try to talk to her but she brushes it of i told her she needed to see some one I got "I know there is somthing wong but i don't want to know now shut up" anything she doesn't want to hear she either says shut up or goes off on a strop. This is going on daily and she calls me half a dozen times when she cant figure out how t do something and if I say "wait till I come over" she gets stroppy (many a time i have put the phone down) many a time i have walked away after telling her I've had enough. I could say so much more but be here all night. So will finish on today's argument. She wanted a papering job done my friend has a lovely lass who is a painter and decorator. I had arranged for her to call mum. Mum wanted her to first do the little room then put everything back and then clear the next bit to be done. I told her no it has to be cleared we can't mess her around she is doing this in her day off mums answer "no" i told her I would come her put it back unless a late finish if it was would have to be Monday "No you can't leave me in a mess over the weekend (am of to see my partner) I told her she has to compromise she said No so I told her not doing anything else for her ave had enough and apparently I'm kicking my dummy out. Be4 dad died they didn't get on mum often said " if I had anywhere to go ad go" now its all tears and lost her husband. Nobody sees her nasty side just the tearful, lonely, helplessness widow oh and the nasty daughter to talks to her like dirt. I can't do it anymore, my brother left 30yrs ago but she wants to find him he treated her and dad like crap. But am the punching bag now dad not here. So next time she starts i have to tell her unless she sees someone about her personality change, nastiness, forgetting stuff and general attitude to me am staying away . And I have a major flair up of arthritis so in constant pain my doctor says its due to stress and I need a large steroid injection and she knows all this but doesn't stop her?
Mum with the intervention of my best friend and her 2 neices has started looking for a councillor hopefully this will now sort itself out. She has apologised to me for her treatment towards me and I have been to see her.
And of course leaving when she’s nasty will work. Why it doesn’t work is you end up answering the phone. Who cares if she’s going to ring over and over? Turn the ringer off. Boundaries aren’t working because you’re the one undoing them. Again, boundaries aren’t to change her and make her see your side. Boundaries such as leaving when she’s nasty are to stop you from experiencing it. When you pick up the phone you’re ruining it for yourself.
I don't stay i go home then the phone calls start. I let them go to answer machine but the usual message is. "Tracy why don't you answer the phone I will keep ringing till you do" so i answer and then it starts again so I say bye put phone down then text and phone calls start. Leaving dont work.
I thank you all for your replys I didn't sleep last night I worried about what I needed to say to her and this is what i sent this morning
Your not going to like this but I can't do this anymore I'm not going to suffer in pain because of the stress I'm under. Docs told me ages ago I needed to talk to you but I don't feel I can cause you go off on one and make me feel guilty. I have spoken to them at length that's why they are keeping an eye on me. So please go see the doctor about your personality change and before you start getting angry and texting and calling (I'm not talking till you see someone) here is a list
The weekend dad died I saw it the most you wouldnt help me I needed my mum but was all about you even barrie had a go at me because I was crying, and I was crying cause my dad who I loved so much was dying I only had you but you just left me hanging and its never really changed you always turn things back on me like this will be probably turned.
Yesterday you said sorry you don't like yourself sometimes I thought finally but then when I said I would show you yet again how to work the heating of you went off on one storming off I sat for a few but nope you didn't come back so I left. So mum just some of what is happening I have noticed and so has grant but he won't say anything. Please read with open mind and go back to before dad died and have a think. You never used to be this bad mum.
Demanding
No sympathy for others mainly me
Getting nasty mainly at me
Forgetful (things you have been told, shown, ect)
Paranoia
Everything has to be done there and then
Won't talk about anything you don't want to.
Complaining about things you don't want to do cause what might happen ( like your hol)
Saying at the beginning I was trying to rule your life cause I tried to make few suggestions for things to occupy you. I can't be there 24/7 .
I don't want to give up the life I have now but feel you resent the life I have.
I could go on mum
I feel helpless cause you even said you know somthing is wrong but you don't wanna know
Thing is I'm getting to the stage where I don't want to come round I dread coming round and if it's not sorted its gonna push us apart. This is said with love as im worried about your state of mind but you can't keep taking it out on me and expect me to keep coming back for more. So I leave this with you as only you can now do what I have asked and if you don't then am staying away im suffering to but I have talked to the doctors about how I feel. X
She came back with "its all about you" the jist of her reply was.
That i'm now talking to the doctors and probably lying to them about her. I never ask how she is feeling. Where do get the bull from about Paranoia and personality changes. She is seeing a doctor for her kidneys and iron deficiency she doesn't need to see them or talk to a councillor. She is waiting for tests back from the hospital about a black spot on the back of her eye and double vision. Why do I hate her? And so much more but basically I'm wrong again.
Oh, and I never answered 2 hours later i pulled a notification message down on my phone. She said " I'm sorry your in so much pain i was getting sorted to come to you and stay for a while but then I got your text" its now down to emotional blackmail. I have not opend messages or replied.
I'm hoping see goes to the doctors but I doubt it. Am also worried about this spot as the consultant called it but mum keeps saying mass. Dad had a tumour on the brain 1 symptom was double vision, mum developed double vision last year as dad was been tested for it. So I wonder is it dementia or tumour either way I can't cope anymore been a punching bag that used to be dad and he told me she was getting worse so many times but wouldn't say more but he was miserable and scared as he had known he was ill over a Yr.
I really think based on what you've said that your mother belongs in residential care now because she has dementia.
Your mother developing the same symptoms your father had could very well be psychosomatic. Or she's making it up for attention and to get you upset. My mother often did this my entire life. Offer to take her to her doctor. If she refuses to go, let it be her choice. Don't argue with her or beg her to go. Don't coax or conjole her into going. Don't allow one second of drama or abusive behavior, and don't play her games.
You cannot be the replacement for your father. Your father took the abuse from her and he shouldn't have, but there's nothing to be done for that now. Just because he allowed himself to be treated abusively, does not mean you have to inherit the abuse he took.
Mom should gave a good physical with labs and a cognitive test. Do what you have been doing, just walk away. Look up the "gray rock method". May be of some help.
Your mother very likely has dementia and needs to be in some kind of assisted living facility or have a live-in caregiver/companion moved into her home so she can remain in it.
Whether it's dementia or not, you cannot be your mother's caregiver. Either she's turned or her own dysfunction has made you into a trigger for her nasty behavior and responses. She also is never going to give you the emotional validation you need.
So, take a BIG step back and let her fail. Don't help her. Don't prop her up and support her false independence. Stop handling everything for her and putting out her fires. This is how you get her to accept the support and help she needs to either remain in her home, or live her best life in assisted living.
Also, stand up to her. No one has to tolerate abuse even if dementia is at play. Dementia can be an explanation for abusive behavior, but it does not excuse it or make it acceptable.
If it is dementia I know it will get worse but I have my own health problems and I can't take the daily battering. I have a crp blood score of 102 that's for rheumatoid my doctor says that's a major flair up and its been caused by the stress this has been going on since may and getting worse but mum doesn't seem to care I get thrown at me what about the pain im in. Am I a selfish nasty daughter ?
My mother does the soliciting pity and sympathy from others all the time. She pretty much invented that game. She also likes to pit people against each other, instigate fights, and is only happy when everyone around her is at each other's throats. This is no way for people to live. It really isn't.
You have a choice to make here. Either you're going to choose you and your life, or you will continue to live as an abused scapegoat and slave to your miserable, nasty, selfish mother.
I sincerely hope you choose yourself. I really do.
Your mother is obviously suffering from some type of dementia or cognitive decline and is no longer able to sympathize with your pain and suffering, only her own. This is a classic symptom of dementia. She needs a thorough physical and cognitive evaluation by her physician and you should leave her presence to grieve in peace. She's not purposely being mean to you but suffering issues and losses herself.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.