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Hi, my wonderful dad passed away 4 years ago & my mum who is 74 years old who is in good health has a beautiful 3 bedroom house of her own. But doesn’t stay there at night she is currently sleeping on a put up bed in my living room rather than be in the house she has on her own. We are happy to sell our house & hers to by a bigger house we can all live together in but she has refused to do this. My sister doesn't help at all she isn’t interested. It’s getting us down, it’s not good for my mum either to be on a put up bed. I love my mum dearly but she is very bossy and tells me how to run my home which I ran fine for 25 years before she was staying with us. She buys the dinners for our evening meal but doesn’t help with any other bills and everything has gone up which she says is not her fault. We are struggling now to meet the bills but she doesn’t understand and says I’m ungrateful. She spends only 2 hrs a day at home at the most. What do I do, please help. I’m up for work at 4 am so when I’m tired of an evening she keeps me taking to 11 at night and says you are always tired.

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Why does your mother say YOU are ungrateful? Isn't SHE the ungrateful one? She should be paying you to live in your house.

If you are struggling now to meet the bills, why are you willing to buy a bigger house so you can all live together?

Seems like this has been a good trial run to learn that your mother should NOT be living with you.

What is her financial situation? Perhaps she should sell her house and live in an independent living facility for seniors?
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Mickman175184 Dec 30, 2019
She is financially ok with money in bank & no mortgage
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Wow what a pickle you’ve gotten your family into. Why is Mom so averse to staying in her own house? Did your dad pass away there? Or is she just lonely or afraid? I wonder if some counciling sessions would help her to get her life back on track, if she would go. This is not a normal or healthy situation and you have to tell her that. She’s not what I would consider “elderly” (as I creep toward that age). She doesn’t drive. I would encourage her to start driving, get a safe car, and be more independent.
You don’t say what the relationship is between Mom and your 22 year old daughter? Is she still in college or working? What’s her plan for leaving the nest? Do they get along well? I’m almost afraid to throw this out there, but if they get along, would daughter consider staying a few nights a week at Moms house on a temporary basis with her if she’s afraid?
You seem like you can’t stand up to her for anything. “She” keeps you up late...no “you” stay up late because you can’t even tell her you’re tired and have to go to bed! Whats your husbands take on all this? Mine would not put up with someone at our house every night and sleeping on our couch. If you don’t have the guts to tell her she can’t stay over anymore, maybe you and your husband together can do it. Rehearse it together. You have given her all the power. You have to change the dynamic and take back your power and your house. This could go on for 20 years.
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Mickman175184 Dec 30, 2019
I have told her and she just goes home for 1 night & comes back with her bag I can’t shut the door in her face I’m not like that I’m not afraid of her I think it’s just become routine which is wrong I know and she is on a put up bed with a memory foam mattress not on the couch I think we have made her feel to welcome I’m a caring & loving daughter & would always help anyone who needed it that’s just the way I am I was I’ll has a child & my mum & dad used to sit up with me all night has I was In & out of hospital I feel I’m just returning that to her but I know it’s not normal
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How does she spend her days?

Has she really been in your home for four years? Yikes.

Pack her bags. Get rid of that bed in your living room. Do something to shake up the current situation. Perhaps announce you are all moving into her house for four years. At least you would have three bedrooms.

I don’t know what your mom needs but you need your living room back and a decent sleep schedule.

Reach out to whatever social services are available to her.

Thank goodness she didn’t agree to buy a larger home with you. You could have had her for 20 more years!!

edit: I see my thoughts were similar to others.
Good luck on reclaiming your family life.
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“we have all spent nights staying with my mum but didn’t work”. Why didn’t it work? She’s afraid to stay by herself, but having you there didn’t help? Why not? I think your mom needs more people around, not just you. I would tell her that you will help her find a lovely independent living apartment that’s close to you, where she can have transportation, meals with people , activities if she chooses, and someone always on staff at night. She probably can even have a kitty or small dog. She can choose that, or go home, but her nights on your your couch are coming to an end.
You evidently don’t call your current arrangement “working” either. You have the power to change it. You just don’t know it.
Do not even think about buying a house with her. She needs to live her best life. And so do you.
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Mickman175184 Dec 30, 2019
I know what you are saying she is so stubborn & would not even consider moving or selling house she is fit healthy and I have to just tell her in the new year she has to go home my husband has even said to me he would drop her home every night at 8 so she’s not on her own for long I told her the put up bed was broken & she went and got another one delivered & she said she would sleep on settee my daughter has offered to live at my mums so my mum can have my daughters room but she said she doesn’t want anyone living at her house making a mess x
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Mickman, apart from sitting by your hospital bed, what did your mother do with her time over - say - the last twenty years or so. Did she work? Did she have friends?

If you're in any part of London that Londoners call London, then not driving simply can't be a problem - it's just about the only place in the country that I can think of where people never learn to drive because there's absolutely no need (as two of my three adult children have demonstrated in spite of everything I've said to them).

Here's the thing. Your intended kindness towards your mother and your inability to "shut the door in her face" (not how I'd put it, but I realise that's how it might feel to you) are stopping her living. You're making it too comfortable for her while her life is on hold. Four years is too long. Carry on like this and you will disable her permanently.

It might be too difficult to change things to suit yourself, because that seems ungrateful and selfish; but what about her? What does the future hold for her if she doesn't start rebuilding her real life very soon?
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I am very sorry for the loss of your dad.

Regardless, this living arrangement is not working and you know it. This is a financial hardship for you as well.

I’m sorry your mom is upset and I know that you care about her but she is majorly interfering in your lives. You can’t keep up this pace. Just the sleep deprivation is going to get to you.

Tell her that there will be new living arrangements soon. Why do you want to move her into your home? You have said she is bossy. That probably won’t change even if you sell her home and move into a larger home.

Can she go into assisted living or a senior independent apartment building? Please reconsider her moving in with you.
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Mickman,

Country Mouse is our UK resident.

My brother still has a 32 yr old son living with him. He asked me how did I get rid of my kids. I bitched. I did things my parents way when I lived in their home. Now that I have my own, I like things my way. U see my kitchen as soon as you enter the house. I want it kept clean. I didn't expect neat as a pin bedrooms but I did not allow food to be eaten in them and every so oftened cleaned up. When my daughter was here with her son, they had 2 bedrooms and the family room. My living room was off limites. All the rooms looked like a tornado hit them. Yes, I bitched. So when they all could afford to move out, they did.

I am 70 and there is no way I would do what your Mom is. I never would walk in my daughters house (which by the way is 4 doors down) and say "I am now sleeping here".

You are enabling Mom. 74 is not really that old. If she didn't have you, then she would have had to adjust. Maybe start taking baby steps. Start with dropping her off at her house in the morning and telling her you will pick her up for dinner. When she starts to be "bossy" remind her nicely that like her u do things your way. She needs to be made aware its your home not hers. She is actually a guest. To get a good nights sleep, you should be in bed by 8pm. Like said, start saying, sorry Mum, I can no longer function on 5 hrs of sleep so I will be in bed by 8pm.

If you don't mind her there for dinner, then continue with that. Hopefully by u going to bed at a certain time, you can work in her going home when u go to bed. Your Mom is still young enough to have her own life.

I would never live in her house. Because...its "her" house. Her rules. I think that selling both homes and buying one is a good idea. I would try to find one with a separate space for Mom. Her own sitting area, her own bath and bedroom. Maybe even a kitchenette. I may approach it as the arrangement now is not working. You didn't expect it to be long term. Just to help her adjust tonthe loss of Dad. You understand her not wanting to sell but thats what will need to happen if she doesn't want to be alone at night. Her spending most of her time at ur home is not good for either of you. Your family can't be her entertainment. Its wearing you down. You are sleep deprived. You cannot do ur job sleep deprived. AND, your health WILL suffer.

My MIL was English. She and FIL moved to Fla and he passed 3 yrs later. She "had" to adjust. We were in NJ, another son in GA and another in Miss. Two of us had teenagers and me a 7 yr old. All 1 to 2 days away driving. She got involved in a Church. She had a weekly card club. Socialized with neighbors. Took trips with other widows. All the time staying in her home. She lived to be almost 92.

A lawyer friend at 85 runs his practise and is CEO of a bank. He and his wife are involved and travel. She is 78. A fellow Church member is 100 and still pretty active. But he has been most his life. Yes, he lost his wife of 60+ years and a son. But he kept going. He is lucky a daughter lives next door and he has a son nearby. They have their "family" time. And thats what it is "family time". He is still in his own home.

You are going to lose your life if u don't do something now. Her dependency will get worse. One question, you say she only spends 2 hrs in her own home. You work so how does she get back to ur place? Does she have a key? Then I would "lose" it somehow or change my locks. My MIL had a key. She was coming into my house adding and changing things. One time she woke my husband up (he worked nights) and told him she didn't like the way we changed the room around. When our front door lock died, we did not give her keys to the new one. There was no reason she needed to be in my house.
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Mickman175184 Jan 1, 2020
Why does your daughter only live 4 days away this is not healthy to be so close is it? Umm think what u reply to posts when u have your own daughter living ONLY 4 doors away from u ???
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Forget the buy a bigger house and all live together scenario, it is not working now and it will not work because you buy a larger house and tie yourself up with her financially.

You have to stand up to her, no more staying at your house every night, she can hire someone to sit with her at her house, she needs to grow up and learn to live alone. This is so childish.

You do understand that she could live another 20 years..right? Do you really want to be saddled with her the rest of your life? And what about your husband and your relationship with him...it will suffer.

The ball is in your court, don't let this continue.
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How long has Mum been staying with you? The longer she's been there, the harder it will be to get her to leave.

When you're tired and ready to go to bed, simply say, "Mum, I'm going to bed now. Good night." And then go to bed. Period. It may be what she needs to let her know that your entire life can't revolve around her.

In the alternative, sit her down and say, "Mum, you have a house of your own. Please live in it. We're just too crowded here." (How far away is her house, anyway?)
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Your mom is lonely. She doesn't drive. She may be depressed and anxious. Does she have hobbies? At her age and condition she'd be an awesome volunteer. Does she know how to use a smartphone (to call an Uber)?

I would NOT move into her home, as tempting as that would be. If you think she's bossy now...just try being on "her turf". Don't!

Decide what you want the outcome to be: mom living in a home she can manage on her own (this being an apartment or condo in a 55+ community, so not AL or NH). Find a place that provides transportation and has activities. But you must (gently) insist she continue to have her own life so that you can have yours. You are not obligated to care for her especially at the tender young age of 74! Find places where she can volunteer for at least 4 hrs at a time.

Start doing some research on your own, then take her to 2 of the best choices. Tell her you and hubs will help her sell her home (or she can sell it to you!) and be there for all the difficult stuff like moving and getting settled in. Don't let her make you feel guilty. She probably was way more reliant on your Dad than you ever knew, or she is depressed or something. Someone mentioned a dog, which has been a wonderful experience for my own mom (whom I never in a million years would get a dog!) but don't do that until she is settled in her own place.

Start having small, gentle conversations with her, moving this whole solution forward, whether she wants it or not. It's what your family needs. Keep reassuring her and don't respond to her negativity about any of it. Good luck!
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