My Mum is 84 and in poor health. She is disabled and is completely dependent on others. She suffers from severe anxiety. I am one of her carers (my Dad also cares for her). She is extremely demanding, and I understand that this is her way of coping with her loss of independence, so we try our best to help her with whatever she asks us for. However, she has become very vocal - she will often insist that both my Dad or myself remain in the room with her at all times. We have a carer who comes in twice a day, but someone has to be in the room with her, even when the carer is with her. If she is left alone for even a few minutes, she will shout and yell until someone returns. I can cope with many things (and there’s a lot to cope with!)but this isn’t one of them! I find myself getting really irritable - however hard I try, I just end up getting angry and frustrated after a few hours. Has anyone else experienced this and if so, were you able to resolve it?
One of the main objections to a loved one's entering a facility is that "I don't want to 'put' her in one of those horrible places! I don't want to 'warehouse' mom!"
What is warehousing? I think they mean that poor old mom will have to sit in her room all day while being ignored. Yet if mom is home and not around others who live there, she might as well be chunked into assisted living and left to rot. (Which isn't what happens in assisted living anyway.)
If mom isn't happy with you, a great alternative would be to move her to where she has lots of company, someone to talk with, people to wait on her, three delicious meals, entertainment, friends, outings, and snacks whenever she wants them. You get your life and your house back, and mom gets what she apparently thinks she needs. Her carer can continue to visit her in a professional capacity if she likes.
Talk to her doctor about it there are medications that can help.
But you might try these ideas.
Give her a task to do while you are gone.
Fold towels, sort socks, cut recipes from a magazine or news paper.
Set a timer. If you are going to the kitchen to get a snack, a drink and will be gone only a few minutes set a timer for 3 minutes or 5 minutes. Tell her you will be back before it goes off. As she gets used to short times you can set it for a longer time if you have to go get the mail or bring out trash.
Ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones. For YOU.
You know she is safe.
You know you will be right there is she really needs you.
the earplugs will quiet some of the noise but you will still be able to hear her if she really needs help. With the noise cancelling headphones not so much so only use those if someone else is there to help care for her.
When the hired homecare people are at the house with her, you AND your father need to leave for the duration of their shift. Your mother will have to get used to you and your father not being around for parts of the day.
Believe me, I have seen caregiver burnout hit family caregivers HARD when they cater to a LO who demands they be by them 24/7. What good will it do anyone if you or your father drive yourselves into the ground catering to her 24/7/365? If this happens, your mother goes into a nursing home and there will not be someone by her side day and night catering to her every demand. Make sure she knows this.
Do not cater to her. I have told many families that the only way caregiving can be successful is if its done on the caregiver's terms, not the care recipient's.
You and your father need to make it known to your mother that the yelling and demands stop or she will be put into a nursing home. Then talk to her doctor about prescribing anti-anxiety medication and even anti-depressant medication for her. SHe clearly needs medication to help keep her calm.
The next time the homecare aide comes, you and your father go out for coffee. Or to lunch. Or shopping and a movie. Whatever, but get out of the house. Make sure the aide has your cell number so they can call if they need to. If your mother calls during this time, let it go to voicemail. Don't answer. It's for her own good as well as for you and your father.
If you two continue constantly by her side or she gets hysterical, it will get to the point where you will not even be able to use the bathroom without bringing her in with you. I've seen it happen.
Your Mom needs meds for anxiety if she's not already on something. And if she is, maybe they need to be adjusted.
In my Aunt's case, this seemed to be a phase, or else the meds made it stop. Not sure which.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/shadowing-behavior-in-dementia-470434.htm
Do you tell your mother where you are going? "Mum I'm stepping to kitchen to make Lunch Dad is right here alone with the Carer I won't be gone long" Your mom might be triggered by you/your father getting up and leaving without telling her where you are going. You could also reinforce this by saying stuff like " Dad is outside tending to ______ He hasn't left for good he will be back in a few minutes". You might also try diversion tactics if you are watching a program on TV When you get up get your dad to divert her attention to the TV instead of your departing. " Hun Have we seen this episode before" " Ohhh no looks like we are in for some rain this week".
Can you inform us, before I attempt answering, if there is some dementia here?
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