My Mum has given up since my Dad died. Any advice?

I can understand that it feels like that. But you know, don't you, that it isn't like that. If your mother has had heart failure for a significant length of time I'm not surprised the fight has gone out of her. She's firing on one, maybe two, cylinders; and another possibility - though I don't want to open new cans of worms - is clinical depression as a consequence of changes in her brain chemistry. So, what it comes down to: she's not hanging about like a little raincloud to punish you. She feels like poo and she is being miserable because she IS miserable. Who wouldn't be?

If she hasn't had a thorough overhaul for two years it's probably time for one. You want to find out what her heart function is like; how her brain is holding up; and whether her kidneys are basically ok. Any changes in these since the last time they were checked will help you to gauge how she is likely to be feeling in herself. The purpose of the exercise isn't a cure - the hospital wasn't being dismissive, there isn't a cure - but to see where you are in terms of what it's fair to expect of her. She is bound to be fatigued, but poor heart and kidney function also make you feel really *ill*; so what with that and the possibility of problems with the blood supply to her brain I would be surprised if she weren't suffering from depression. Not just the blues, certainly not self-pity, but full-on depression. There are things that can help her with that.

Lecture over: what about you? Step one, you're not responsible for your mother's happiness. Don't dote on her, just look after her: if you keep trying to make her happy you're on a hiding to nothing, because you can't bring your dad back and you can't cure her disease. More importantly, put your son first - well, put yourself first, because you need to be in good enough shape to give him the time he needs and that you want to spend with him. I sympathise with the no job no life no friends thing - it's especially difficult when you're in a small community. What job did you do before you took over your parents' care?

Thank you for the warming advice ,my mothers condition is a stable place has been for some time funny the doctor told her she can join his cricket team ,I am humbled by the support I am humbled by the support from here I do understand my mothers condition more than she does and I have explainned to her in a gentle way,but she just does not want to go on without my father .I suppose Imay need to let nature take its course.

does her doctor know she has depression symptoms? If not, he/she needs to know, maybe it's time for a complete workup. My dad was depressed after my mom passed, I brought home a cat for father's day the year after mom passed. That ornery scamp has really livened him up, he has purpose, something to 'look after' when no one is there. I don't recommend getting a pet for everyone, it's that the cat gave him purpose, something to look after, she keeps him 'company' and entertained with her antics. Maybe you can find something that will keep your mom busy, but you have to make sure it gives her purpose and it's something she can physically do. Contact your local area agency on aging, ask about in home programs and caregiver programs that she may be eligible for. also ask about an adult medical day care, it's a great place to socialize, participate in activities and eat a meal, there are nurses on duty so there is medical oversite as well. Maybe the 2 of you can volunteer once or twice a week in a nursing home or read to preschoolers etc. If one thing doesn't work, try something else and keep encouraging her to try. Good luck.

Dianna, could you tell us a bit more about your mother and what is wrong with her. Most people go into depression when a longtime spouse dies. What country do you live in? Is your mother under the care of a good geriatric specialist? Do you think the doctor would refer your mother to a geriatric psychiatrist? A psychiatrist may be able to find medications to help with the depression and anxiety. Your mother could feel much better if these things were treated and she had someone to talk with about her loss.

Dianna, please don't feel alone. A lot of us feel that way at some point or other. Old age is not for the faint of heart, believe me, and when you throw in dementia or Parkinson's or COPD or any of the other ailments that can beset us, well, it just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

Dianna, the next time you see your mother's doctor and you see he's getting the impression that she's managing fine at home - that's when you get tetchy, and point out that SHE isn't managing, YOU are. Maybe if he saw what the reality was her doctor might be more help - I know my mother's GPs really had my back, even though they were careful not to interfere.

With the respite care, you are in a tight spot - it's hard enough to access it in heavily populated areas, let alone a small rural town in Australia. Where's your nearest sizeable city? What would you do with a respite break? Because I'm wondering if you could consider taking her with you, placing her in care for a week (say) willy-nilly, having your time off and then bringing her home again. It'd be more trouble and expense, but at least you wouldn't be waiting over a year because there'd be a lot more choice of care facilities.

Dianna, ugh. I'm all for doctors being jolly with their patients rather than doom-and-gloom, but then reality intrudes. So while he's making jocular remarks about her fielding skills, yes ho ho very funny, what's he doing meanwhile to support you in taking care of her? I really would look into the possibility of depression - could your GP arrange for a mental health nurse practitioner to visit her for a good chat? I'm not sure what the team structures are like in Aus.

Hi guess he was trying to be light hearted the issue is he realizes she doesnt want to partake in anything tried social groups going shopping and sitting were alot of elderly ladies are she just sits emotionless I end up doing the talking which I enjoy as the ladies are very cool as a caregiver I think I have exhausted all,things to assist my mum with her depression I suppose I justed wanted to hear I am normal in the way I feel I so love my mum and miss the mother I had that laughed ,was a beautiful cook ,affectionate thank you for the advice x

The sitting emotionless could be what's called "flat affect" - I noticed this first one Christmas when my mother just didn't react at all to the cards arriving or my suggestion that she start getting her shopping list together. It's quite a marked feature of depression. Has anyone suggested SSRIs?

By the way, by depression I don't mean anything you can humanly hope to love her out of. This is a whole different kettle of fish.