My Mum has given up since my Dad died. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My Mum has given up since my Dad died. Any advice?

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She has chronic conditions feel let down by her. I have looked after her for years she lives by fear. She wont go to a nursing home and the waiting list is 12 to 18 months she wont go to respite ,she doesnt talk what do I do she is holding my life to ransom

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If u have a 13 yr old u must be young. No matter what u do she is not going to be happy. Maybe when an opening in a NH comes up u should take it. Ur son will grow up a lot in the next few years. It would be nice if you could be there for everything he will be involved in. Get that job. You can visit with Mom. May be more productive.

My MIL was put on a depressant in rehab. She was a stubborn woman. At 91 she still wanted things her way but she wasn't able to be on her own anymore. She literally willed herself to die. She went into rehab Feb 4 and passed on the 28th.
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Yeah, old age sucks! My mom died 1.5 years ago, and since then, my father lives in his recliner. He does next to nothing. He's alive but not living. My mom was the one in control, and he would just curse and scream and then cave but they were dependent on each other. He took orders from her, and he won't take them from me. If she told him to wash the gunk out of his eyes, he'd do it, or she'd make him. My parents detested on another. Mom would pray each day for him to die but she died first. Now, he might as well be dead. I call him a zombie because he really is. He smells dead. He looks dead. Yet, he moves. He doesn't say much. I can't get him to go to the doctors so my life is just on hold as the house falls apart around me. At least he's letting me have a new roof put on because it rains in the living room now!
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Put her on the waiting list! 12-18 months is a long wait. If your ready now, you will definitely be ready by then. It is not her decision when it is you who carries the burden. Nobody wants to go into a nursing home...
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does her doctor know she has depression symptoms? If not, he/she needs to know, maybe it's time for a complete workup. My dad was depressed after my mom passed, I brought home a cat for father's day the year after mom passed. That ornery scamp has really livened him up, he has purpose, something to 'look after' when no one is there. I don't recommend getting a pet for everyone, it's that the cat gave him purpose, something to look after, she keeps him 'company' and entertained with her antics. Maybe you can find something that will keep your mom busy, but you have to make sure it gives her purpose and it's something she can physically do. Contact your local area agency on aging, ask about in home programs and caregiver programs that she may be eligible for. also ask about an adult medical day care, it's a great place to socialize, participate in activities and eat a meal, there are nurses on duty so there is medical oversite as well. Maybe the 2 of you can volunteer once or twice a week in a nursing home or read to preschoolers etc. If one thing doesn't work, try something else and keep encouraging her to try. Good luck.
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By the way, by depression I don't mean anything you can humanly hope to love her out of. This is a whole different kettle of fish.
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The sitting emotionless could be what's called "flat affect" - I noticed this first one Christmas when my mother just didn't react at all to the cards arriving or my suggestion that she start getting her shopping list together. It's quite a marked feature of depression. Has anyone suggested SSRIs?
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Hi guess he was trying to be light hearted the issue is he realizes she doesnt want to partake in anything tried social groups going shopping and sitting were alot of elderly ladies are she just sits emotionless I end up doing the talking which I enjoy as the ladies are very cool as a caregiver I think I have exhausted all,things to assist my mum with her depression I suppose I justed wanted to hear I am normal in the way I feel I so love my mum and miss the mother I had that laughed ,was a beautiful cook ,affectionate thank you for the advice x
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Dianna, ugh. I'm all for doctors being jolly with their patients rather than doom-and-gloom, but then reality intrudes. So while he's making jocular remarks about her fielding skills, yes ho ho very funny, what's he doing meanwhile to support you in taking care of her? I really would look into the possibility of depression - could your GP arrange for a mental health nurse practitioner to visit her for a good chat? I'm not sure what the team structures are like in Aus.
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Thank you for the warming advice ,my mothers condition is a stable place has been for some time funny the doctor told her she can join his cricket team ,I am humbled by the support I am humbled by the support from here I do understand my mothers condition more than she does and I have explainned to her in a gentle way,but she just does not want to go on without my father .I suppose Imay need to let nature take its course.
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I can understand that it feels like that. But you know, don't you, that it isn't like that. If your mother has had heart failure for a significant length of time I'm not surprised the fight has gone out of her. She's firing on one, maybe two, cylinders; and another possibility - though I don't want to open new cans of worms - is clinical depression as a consequence of changes in her brain chemistry. So, what it comes down to: she's not hanging about like a little raincloud to punish you. She feels like poo and she is being miserable because she IS miserable. Who wouldn't be?

If she hasn't had a thorough overhaul for two years it's probably time for one. You want to find out what her heart function is like; how her brain is holding up; and whether her kidneys are basically ok. Any changes in these since the last time they were checked will help you to gauge how she is likely to be feeling in herself. The purpose of the exercise isn't a cure - the hospital wasn't being dismissive, there isn't a cure - but to see where you are in terms of what it's fair to expect of her. She is bound to be fatigued, but poor heart and kidney function also make you feel really *ill*; so what with that and the possibility of problems with the blood supply to her brain I would be surprised if she weren't suffering from depression. Not just the blues, certainly not self-pity, but full-on depression. There are things that can help her with that.

Lecture over: what about you? Step one, you're not responsible for your mother's happiness. Don't dote on her, just look after her: if you keep trying to make her happy you're on a hiding to nothing, because you can't bring your dad back and you can't cure her disease. More importantly, put your son first - well, put yourself first, because you need to be in good enough shape to give him the time he needs and that you want to spend with him. I sympathise with the no job no life no friends thing - it's especially difficult when you're in a small community. What job did you do before you took over your parents' care?
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