Doctor referred Mum for a re-evaluation to measure cognitive decline since 2/2017. Observation of her communication skills and cyclical agitation and confusion, give us reason to be concerned. Older siblings, out of the country, have POA.
Mum claims she knows her own body and says she is “better now”. She is refusing medical treatment and self-medicating. She does not remember her Major Cognitive Impairment diagnosis and Dad is in denial. We have shared the information with siblings with POAs. We have heard nothing back from them.
They have been living with my wife and I since June.
What to do next? Where can we get some advise?
Get mom to a geriatric psychiatrist. In my mom's journey from Mild Cognitive Decline and Vascular Dementia, the BEST "added value" we got along the way was from geriatric psychiatrists.
The agitation, the paranoia and anxiety can be smoothed out with meds. Hope you can find a good, compassionate doc as we did.
I will also pray that they realize that they moved into someone else's house, meaning they are no longer head and mistress of the house.
This is something that is overlooked by all parties, until it hits everyone like a runaway freight train.
It's good that you have a plan.
Welcome to the forum.
Sometimes people with cognitive problems have difficulties explaining why they want or do not want to do something. Sometimes the "reason" makes no sense because it's the result of a faulty cognitive processes. Sometimes the "reason" is completely reasonable. Often it's somewhere in the middle - something in their life experience is pushing them toward a decision that a person without that experience doesn't easily understand.
Many times the hardest part of being a care taker of someone with cognitive issues is accepting the person with cognitive issues has made a decision different from the care taker's choice. Please consider some medical test or procedure you found unpleasant to painful, then ask yourself "would I want to repeat that knowing it would make no difference to my quality of life"?
"Mum gave the report to read because I understand such things because of my profession. I understood it clearly, but mum and dad are oblivious of what it says and the implications. That makes it very difficult to have honest conversations with them." Please remember conversation is a two way street. I'm guessing (from personal experience) you might be "ready" to have this discussion at noon on Saturday cause it's your day off work and you're a planner who wants to get ready for the future. So you sit down with Mom and Dad and open the conversation with something like "...about that doctor's report..." Not wanting to talk about something right now (or when someone else has determined he/she is ready to talk about it) and not responding to their attempts to have an unwanted conversation is not the same thing as being oblivious; it's passive resistance. Since you are the son in law, you might want to let your wife have the opening conversations, maybe one on one with each parent and then together. If the POAs who are not responding are your wife's siblings, they may be more responsive to a sibling than an in-law too.
Please remember the people on this forum are responding to what you posted. We may be very far off track because all we know about is what's in this limited post. Sometimes our reply can be completely off base; sometimes only a portion of it is. I'm picking up on some frustration on your part. Perhaps you feel you and your wife should have been told about the cognitive impairment diagnosis before your in-laws moved in. Perhaps you want to plan for the future more than your in-laws or maybe even your wife as a way of reasserting control on your future? Or maybe you're more like me and just like to "plan" in general? Maybe you're posting here because you feel you're not getting enough response from the people around you or they don't seem to consider things as seriously as you do? We will read your posts; we will hear you. We will ask questions to seek better information for recommendations and at times we may challenge your thinking. Most of us already think a man that willing moves elderly in-laws into his home is a great guy.
I’m on this forum to have conversations to help me wrap my head around this. No one forced this on my wife and I, we offered willingly, out of love and compassion. We want to move forward and make plans with compassion.
I think it’s kind of funny and I’m not offended at all, but I am my wife’s parent’s daughter-in-law. Mum gave me her report because some days I’m the favored daughter. Some day I’m trying to interfere with her life.
Please feel free to keep challenging me, this is more helpful that telling me my, “situation is unbearable”. It’s difficult new territory for my wife and I, but we are not quitters. At least not yet!
So your wife's brothers have power of attorney, and your wife has taken on the responsibility of her parents' care. You have updated the POAs on the medical front and been ignored. Your FIL, meanwhile, is being protective and your MIL is on the defensive, and both of them are pretending that all is well.
How much longer do you plan to tolerate this intolerable situation? Your wife and you have ALL of the responsibility, and NONE of the authority to act. It makes caring for your parents-in-law simply unfeasible. What are the alternatives?
We are both still actively engaged in our careers and work full time. There is not time or energy left in our days for taking care of each other and our marriage, much a less caregiving.
We revealed the elephant to dad today. It was a difficult conversation, but ended up with understanding. Hopefully, visit from medical POA brother next month, will pave the way to a solid plan for the future.
i know we should have made all of these plans before moving them in, but we had no idea this is what we were in for. It is what it is, so now we celebrate the good days!
How is she self-medicating? Does she have any conditions that require more than that?
How is your dad's condition? Can he help her or have enough problems of his own? How old are they?
Sounds like you and your wife have your hands full. Are you both retired? Either way, consider getting some help around the house to help your marriage and your sanity.
The awful truth is that this won't get better, but will get worse, and I think carrying for both of them may be more a burden than your family can safely take on without drastic repercussions. With this is can be helpful to have a diagnosis, but there is often nothing to DO but treat symptoms. That I know of there is no proven medication for any dementia, and it is surely what you are dealing with.
It is time to family conference with the family able to participate. Sadly that doesn't mean Dad because of the level of his anxiety. There may need to be in future placement of them, hopefully together and hopefully nearby. So sorry for all you are going though. There is honestly little TO do next, but go day by day and make the best decisions for YOURSELF first, and then for them, that you are able.
The only other option I see is if your mom would allow your wife to drive her to her next medical appointment. She can discretely pass the doc a note to do a cognitive eval (and maybe also test for UTI for good measure). They get this all the time and would be happy to do it. If you live in the states, while at the doc's office your mom can sign the HIPAA release for your wife (or you) so that their staff can release and accept medical information to you. Then at least you'd know what is going on with her. Good luck!
I'm not sure what I am seeking by participating in the blog, maybe just support and a knowing that we are not alone in this. We were not aware of the dementia diagnosis until after we moved them in with us. Mum gave the report to read because I understand such things because of my profession. I understood it clearly, but mum and dad are oblivious of what it says and the implications. That makes it very difficult to have honest conversations with them.
The big reveal of the elephant in the room and the ensuing conversation to plan how we will deal with it, will be long and painful for my wife and I and her folks! Maybe I am seeking some cheerleaders and a lot of prayers to get through this intact :)