How do you move a parent to assisted living facility when they don't want to?

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No one wants to move from their home into assisted living, but sometimes it is the best, or even the only option to keep your parent safe.
Making the decision to move a parent into assisted living is one of the hardest and most heart-wrenching decisions of your life. And broaching the topic is equally difficult.

There's no easy to way to bring up the topic. You have to be open and honest, without making it confrontational. Don't condascend, and don't argue. Also, consider taking your parent to visit some assisted living centers (check them out ahead of time by yourself) They will see for themselves that they aren't institutional settings where they will be isolated. Many are like retirement communities, where they can interact and socialize with others. There are restaurants, recreation, group activities and more. Rather than trying to paint a picture. Let your parent see for themselves, in person.

You might also want to read this article on that same topic:
https://www.agingcare.com/138005
My 81 year old mother-in-law resides with myself, my wife, and our 3 young children (ages 7 and 5 year old twins). She has a myriad of health issues, the largest being Parkinson's Disease. Over the past 2 years the disease has advanced to the point where she is approaching 24 hour care. She is able to use a walker for limited mobility but has incontinence issues, can not shower herself or prepare meals, needs assistance rising from a chair or her bed, and rarely wants to leave the house. To put it bluntly, this level of care is not what we signed on for 3 years ago when we moved her in with us. We feel trapped and are developing feelings of guilt and resentment because her presence is hindering our lives and taking away from things we want to do with our 3 young sons. She has stated emphatically that she will not allow us to place her in a personal care home or skilled nursing facility. She self-pays for a caregiver whenever we need to go out for an extended period of time but her resources are limited. Does anyone else find themselves in a similar situation or can anyone offer any ideas?
Hi My3sons! This is something we all go through. Are there any other siblings your wife has that she can stay with?

If not, I would recommend looking into Bed and Breakfast style private residential care homes, which are mostly ran by health care professionals - Nurses and Doctors - that offer a "Real Home" living care option for seniors without having to be in a commercial care facility. You can send me a message for websites you can search for local ones in your area you can tour. They usually offer shared rooms from $2000 a month and own rooms from $3000 a month depending on needs.

If Private Care homes not an option, you might look at a Live-in Caregiver barter option with some pay for 24/7 care. Depending on the area you live in and the standard pay for caregivers there, you may come up with a solution this way. You can post job listing on craigslist or care.com, and of-course be sure to check backgrounds, etc.

All the best!

My father and two sisters put my suddenly put my mom in an alzheimers facility against her will. She thought she was going out to lunch. My mother had polio and has the aftermath to contend with which is part of her problem, and the other is diagnosed as dementia. She is very depressed and lonely, so I flew out from out of state as her out of state daughter, and I found it is IS like an institution; prison setting. I got told that i am forbidden to discuss certain topics, there's tables, and I was told we are not allowed to go in the room and close the door. She's my mother! My father does not visit her hardly at all, and tells everyone she is much worse off than she is, and not to bother visiting her because she is gone. I go anyway, and I find her as an alert old woman with some distortion in her memory bank. She just wants to be around family. She is not autonomous, but she can go to the bathroom and wash herself with a little supervision. She just can't be left alone. I would take her, except my father has this deal with the government that they take her retirement check and he keeps the house. If she leaves that place she could have rights to half the house, and pretty much right now he's got the entire estate minus her retirement pension. I don't care about any of that, I love her just the way she is! People change and I think we have to be outside of self and realize these people may be at the end of their journey, and we should stop being selfish! You know you will have plenty of time to chill with your toddlers. My god!
Top Answer
misselviramoss, I am very sorry that your mother has dementia. It must be painful to you to have her in a facility when you think she would do OK in a private home.

It sounds like she is on Medicaid. Your father would be allowed to keep the house regardless of where Mom is being taken care of, so that would not be a deal-breaker regarding taking care of her yourself, or finding a better care center for her. And rights to half of the house aren't going to do her any good at this point, are they? The "entire estate" that Dad has is not much, if Mom is on Medicaid. They had to spend all but a moderate amount of their assets before she was accepted. What is left is intended to keep Dad out of poverty. I know you don't care about the money, but I am just trying to explain that money is not the issue in these situations. Dad would have been better off financially if he could have avoided having Mom in a care center.

If you think that taking care of her in your home is a viable option, consider carefully some of these factors:
1) She cannot be left alone. At all. Not while you run to the store, and sometimes not even while you take a shower! You will have zero privacy. Spontaneously doing something will be a distant memory.
2) If you work, you will need reliable in-home help while you are gone. "Reliable" help sometimes miss work, so you will miss work, too.
3) You will NEED time to yourself. Plan for regular respite care right from the beginning.
4) Dementia is a progressive disease. It will get worse. It may be stable for a week or 3 years, but it will get worse.
5) Mom can handle toileting now. That's great. Don't expect it to last forever. What is her weight? How strong are you? Think about how you will handle incontinence and changing her.
6) Depression is a common problem in dementia. It generally can be treated. It may not automatically go away, though, just because she has family around.
7) You don't mention how old your mother is. Dementia can go on for many years if there are no co-morbidity factors. How many years can you put your life on hold?
8) Mom is (if I've read your post correctly) on Medicaid now, and will no doubt need that to continue. You will have to start the application process all over in another state.
9) Caring successfully for someone with dementia requires learning about dementia.
10) Loving someone and being able to care appropriately for them are two different things. Love is a great foundation, but it isn't enough.

Please, browse these forums and read posts from people who have taken in a parent with dementia. See what issues they face, and what their concerns are.

How do you know that your mother just wants to be around family? Does she recognize you as family? Is she thrilled to see you? Does she talk about your dad or sisters or going home?

How about your sisters? Do they visit often? Have you discussed with them or with your father what she was like at home before they placed her where she is?

How long will you be in town? Are you spending full days with your mom?


We are 2 sisters and my mom has always told us that when she gets older not to pls put her in a home...when I was going to school for LPN I did my internship in a old folks home...I was 19 and after I saw how they treated elders I had to transfer....I don't know how we will do it but I will never put mymom in there. When she had her kids she sstopped working to care for us..no day care no babysitters. Only in case of emergency. She never rejected us..she gave us lots of love and changed her whole life for us...so now because she needs us we send her away? She never did that to you. I know about the working situation..ok...at least get someone to watch her while your working...I'm sure she has medicaid and medicare...that will help. I'm not saying I'm a better daughter..not at all. I'm just saying I'm going to sacrifice myself like she did with us when we were kids.
Thank you so much for that statement. This is exactally how I feel. I will take care of my mom for as long as I can before putting her in a nursing home. She was there for me when I raised my three kids. Now I will be there for her!! Hugs to you, Carole
Wow Nasmir...your comment is a complete fabrication..unless you are living in 1940? Everything you have said is completely wrong. Nowadays the elderly are living longer and are sicker, requiring the care of 3 shifts of people per day (24 hours a day) and its impossible for the average family to provide this care at home. Additionally, most nursing homes are comfortable, home-like environments with caring staff. Sure there will be a bad apple in the bunch but that goes for EVERYTHING. You really shouldn't come to a forum like this with such uninformed "advice" for people who need help. You really need to get educated on this subject.

Angel
Of course Nasmir...since you have two examples then it must apply to ALL nursing homes...*smh*

Angel
Nasmir, there is a waiting list for available beds in nursing home, so to say that a nursing home will try every trick in the book is confusing. When one patient leaves, another patient will be in the door later that day.

One has to put the patient's best interest above all others, thus if that person needs a higher level of care, a nursing home would be the best place as the patient has a nurse on his/her floor, plus a weekly visit by the facility hospital... unless one can afford to set up their home to resemble a nursing home plus hire 3 shifts of experience caregivers which is quite costly, but also quality care.

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