Moving to Assisted Living - Actually getting it to happen?

Hi everyone!

After about 4 years of caregiving and escalating needs, Grandparents won't move to a facility.

I'm about to break in every conceivable sense - physically, psychologically, financially, and emotionally.

They were very dysfunctional people through their lives and don't recognize their incredible need for care.

Grandpa has been in the ER 4 times for extended stays this last calendar year because of his health, and Grandma has in the last month advanced very far in her dementia quite suddenly.

I went and toured 11 facilities in the last couple weeks thanks to lifting COVID restrictions and I found the absolute perfect place for them - really great and they'll feel like they have freedom.

Transcending the mental barrier of them equating a licensed facility that provides care and comfort while maintaining a sense of personal autonomy to a mid-level prison that reeks of urine and where the elderly are abused and taken advantage of has proved impossible so far.

I'm 35, moved back to Chicago after a decade in Hawai'i and closing my business there, and I've been working on this for 7 years now in the fall - 3 before I came and in the time since. I just can't seem to get closer to actually getting them in there, and now it's becoming dire.

Before you ask, It's just me and my girlfriend - no one else in the family will get involved due to fracturing years ago. I have POAs only in the event of incapacitation, which is basically useless I've discovered - people don't want to honor it if they're breathing and can open their eyes - really tough legal and moral line to toe - and I get that entirely, but it's another barrier to transition.

I've decided that I'm going to frame it as not an assisted living facility, but a 55+ living community with maid service. That has generated the most response so far.

What I'm asking I guess, to come right down to it, is I know this isn't uncommon to refuse care and have a caregiver feeling subsequently taken advantage of and or burned out, so what techniques have you all in the community here used when faced with a similar problem? What have you said? What actions or steps have you taken? And, ultimately, what actually worked?

We're on the precipice, it's so close, but I plan on dropping this ultimatum this week and I am not prepared for it to fail. Move to Assisted Living, or I'll stop coming. It's destroying my health, harming my business, and damaging my relationship.

You'd think that would be pretty clear, to hear and understand, but it's down to the fear aspect of being hurt or forgotten that is at the core of this issue. Me or my girlfriend are there a minimum of 5 days a week, so I feel like it's clear we care - we play games with them, barbecue, take drives to the country, throw the ball with the dog - they have a great life and I understand not wanting to risk losing that, but it's time at 87 and 89, they have exceeded our abilities and even knowledge of what needs they my have or develop.

You guys are the best in this forum and I always really appreciate giving and receiving feedback. Thank you so much for any ideas or thoughts you may have - no matter how out of the box.

God Bless!