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After months of suffering and trying to figure out what to do we finally found what seems like a solution, me and my mother are moving out of my grandma's house, we already found a place and will hopefully move at the end of the month. My mom and I have been taking care of my grandma for 6 years, she has Vascular dementia and it's taking over our lives completely, we can no longer go out, we have to sleep in shifts, it's a nightmare. I'm mentally ill, my mother had a severe heart attack two years ago and had surgery, we just can't live under all this stress, I think it's time to admit we can't do it and start living our lives. My mother is going to call her brother and sister ( they simply stopped visiting and calling their sick mother ) to inform them that we are moving, from them on it will be up to them to take care of my grandma. I think getting away from here will do me good but still I feel so guilty, I love my grandma and I don't want to leave her but then I think about my future and how life here is damaging me, I have to think about me and about my mother too, it's a painful situation, no matter what I do I know I'm going to suffer. Is this selfish of us? I also don't know how will I handle my grandma's situation once we move, due to my mental illness I don't know how to react to painful or stressing situations and I end up having attacks, I'm not sure if I will be able to keep in touch with her.

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I constantly worry about: MOm, aunt, brother, family, family work. Hubby says it does no good. He is right. It's tearing me apart. Got child a "therapy" dog. She is a rescue pup, and cute, we walk her every day. anyone who calls, I worry. Over 50 and almost bald. Oh well. LIfe moves on. Get grandma help, local resources is the best place to start. Good lluck.
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Don't know how old grandma is, but you may want to speak to local social worker, or Hospice, or local hospital for resources in your area. Leaving grandma by herself is not the best solution, but i fyou have backup with her siblings or orther family member, then yes, it is time for them to step up.
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Take a deep breath and know this is not a winning battle!! She would not want you to give up your life for her and you have certainly did your best! If you feel yourself being upset then think of that and remember she wants whats best for you! I hope the others step up and do their share!! Good Luck and God Bless!
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I commend you for your efforts. taking care of yourself provides better care for the person you are caring for. there is no shame in taking care of yourself. we no longer live in a society where people are close enough to band together and care for someone as they may have done 100 years ago. we are in a different time and people are living much longer with much more serious illnesses than even 10,15, 25 years ago. there is good advice listed here. I got my mother into assisted living a mile from me. she is doing well. there will be a safe place for gramma. please know that there are many in your situation that are exhausted and desperate themselves. perhaps this is just the times we live in. you are like a hero for your grandmother whether she is able to know or acknowledge that in any way.
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One of the issues I too battle is the emotionality of making tough decisions. It's hard to "step out" of the issues, the family dynamics, guilt feelings, and sense of obligation, and make an unbiased assessemnt.

Hannah, I think you show great courage and maturity in reaching your decision. The only justification for feeling guilty is if you abandoned your grandmother, which you're not doing. As long as you help find care for her, you've passed the torch along to someone else.

Another way to view this is as a job, for which the demands and needs have outgrown your qualifications and limitations. That's not to suggest you're not qualified. It's a frank but CONFIDENT assessment of your capabilities.

Sometimes I like to think of it in business terms and applications. As a paralegal and then contract administrator, I had a nice comfortable level of responsibility, but it didn't involve interpreting or researching case law. Paralegals don't have the qualifications to do that, although some think they do.

When an assignment reached the point of case law research and/or interpretation, I told the attorney what I had found, but qualified it that I didn't really feel competent to make those kinds of conclusions or decisions.

You're recognizing that the care needed has exceeded what you and your mother can and are willing to give. There's no guilt or shame in that - rather it's a very wise, mature and insightful assessment of the situation.

I wish you, your mother, grandmother and family all the best as you move on to more healthy situations.
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Hannah13,
My heart goes out to you!
At least you have the option of moving out.
Assisted living and other facilities ARE expensive.
BUT, there are programs to help those on limited income.
These use Grandma's Social Security income, Medicare, any retirement or other assets she has, and lastly, some State Aid, if needed, to cover costs in a facility.

It would be reasonable and responsible to contact Social Services and get them involved, now---before you leave---if they aren't already.
Report her health and living and financial conditions, and, that as of [insert date], she no longer has caregivers in her home.
That is part of "due diligence" on you and your Mom's part.

That way, they can come to the house to assess her situation, and maybe get home-care assigned for her, so she is not alone.
Social Services then has a record on her, if they don't already
--it makes helping Grandma easier, all around.

That could help your transitioning out of her house; you'd be, essentially, turning over responsibility for Grandma to Social Services, as seamlessly as possible, being responsible adults about doing what you can to keep Grandma safe in your absence.
Then contact relatives to see if they want to come take care of Grandma as of [insert date]. Let them know you already got Social Services involved.

Be aware that some people and officials will say things that sound guilt-trip-inducing.
You've done your part---6 years without let-up, despite both your own health challenges, is above and beyond the call of duty.
Some might disagree; they might sling accusations-- Please understand, those are more those folks' own guilt that they never did their part to help.

Remember, you and your Mom have - D.o.n.e. - your part, beyond what any 2 people can bear. You deserve some peace, healing, and a Life.
No rule or law requires younger generations to caregive to the point of destroying themselves, not their health and well-being, not their finances.
We all need help sometimes.
Anyone who guilt-trips you, after what you've already accomplished, is using bully-tactics----it's fair to call them on that, on the spot, and walk away.
IF the bullying person cannot understand nor change, it's fair to put distance between you and that person, to protect yourself. Sometimes the best we can do, is love someone from a safe distance, and strive to remember the good things about them from that safe distance---we can more easily remember the good parts, once we get clear of that person's bad behaviors---the good of them we remember, is their real self; that memory of the good of them, helps us heal our broken hearts, too. But sometimes, we can't do any of that, while still being mistreated by the person.

It sounds like you've experienced too much challenging behaviors from Grandma. Even just a couple years of experiencing her declining mental health is enough to cause someone to lose their own mental health, living in such close conditions with an unbalanced person.
It does not take long, before the crazy ideas in the demented mind, start making lone-caregivers... [those who lose healthy contact with their community and their dreams and aspirations due to caregiving limitations]... start doubting their own inner truth and knowledge---I've lived that.
Sometimes, it's just prudent to love someone from a safe-distance.

We cannot make someone else, much less a dementia-impaired elder, change to be better people.
But we can take prudent, rational steps to protect ourselves from further harm from them.
They don't mean to be that way.
They cannot help themselves, and we are not supposed to take it personal.
But it sure feels personal when their verbal and/or physical attacks keep shattering our hearts and spirits.

It sounds like this move is for the best.
I hope it goes well for you and your Mom!

Please keep us posted!
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I took care of my grandparents for 7 years and I would not take it back. If I could look back and have better judgement due to caregiver psychosis, codependency, and lack of help from family/services, I should have left at least 2 years before the 7. The nursing home situation can actually be a pleasurable experience for someone with dementia as long as you are willing to put in the time to research and go to all of them with a checklist... There are some awesome facilities that place people in different staged areas based upon function. Sunshine care, poway, CA is a shining example of one of those types. I now work as a CNA, elder in home care while I go through college for Forensic Psych(caregiving a decade is enough). I wanted to add to Adult protective services will do nothing for you until there is nobody in the home to take care of your grandma. Contact me for more correspondence since this hits close to home. - Andrea
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Hannah, you have such compassion and maturity at only 24. You're blessed to have has so much wonderful time with Gma. Our society is so mobile and kids don't always have so much time with grandparents. As you get older, you'll find that some of the most powerful lessons she taught you were after she became ill. And you're right...this is a horrible disease.
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Thank you all for such helpful answers. I'm dealing with extreme feelings of guilt and sadness, part of me wants to stay with my grandma until the end but I know I'm too sick for that... It will be so painful to live without her though, I can't even imagine what will be like to be in a house where she's not, she has been my companion during my 24 years on this earth, she took care of me during all my childhood, we had such good times together, I'm crying so much as I write this because it deeply hurts, it's so weird to miss someone that is still alive. I spend most of my days remembering how happy we were, how full of life she was, this is not fair, no human being should have to go through such a thing as this disease.
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I had to put a beloved elderly relative into a nursing home just last week after being caregiver for years -- it was affecting my life and health adversely and I just had no choice. Of course you will feel some guilt as I do -- but this is NOT selfishness, it's survival. Neither you nor your mother are in good enough health to look after someone with dementia. Hopefully your grandmother will end up in a better situation of some kind.
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Wonderful answers and thoughts. I agree that you are not selfish. Even without mental illness to begin with, a caregiver can become mentally ill (definitely depressed) after taking care of someone with dementia day in and day out. I take care of my mother-in-law who has mid-range dementia and even though she lives alone (probably won't be much longer) I sometimes dread dealing with certain things that my husband and I have to take care of - it's really depressing and sad. I just lost my own mother in September and sometimes I feel like you do - I just want to get on with my life. I want to help other people but when I'm not refreshed and feeling good, it is an emotional drain that I don't think any normal person has the stamina, energy or ability to handle. That's why nurses work only a certain amount of hours and then go home and relax and live their own lives!
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I think you definitely need to leave the caregiving role as you are not able to deal with this level of caregiving duties. Your mother's situation seems to be more of a physical issue, don't know if she could at least assist with the supervision of your grandmother's care or not.
Don't know how much care grandmother required in the past 6 yrs. Did she establish a plan for her care? POA? Advanced directive and person to implement it?

If not just leaving an elder with dementia alone isn't really a plan for her. If she has other children then she needs them to get the paperwork in order and decide what type of care in the home or NH is best for grandmother. Not knowing the age and diagnosis of grandmother and daughter (s) it is hard to offer sound advice.

Without a plan for grandmother, she will be left to whatever placement the agencies can provide and they are normally not the best situation. We need to have a plan and family members to help work the plan when we get to the stage we can not care for ourselves.
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I understand your conflicted emotions. My mother has been a load for me, but I'm thankful to have the option for her to remain in her home at 96 years old and still be able to climb the stairs on her to sleep in her on bed. What a blessing. My problem is similar to yours. I moved back to live with mom from Florida about 2 years ago. I have family that lives close but wasn't able or willing to take the time mom needs to have. I felt bad living so far away so I moved back and found myself on an island. No social life or time for me. I got sick and depressed. Thinking I would have sibling support, I had to make a decision for my own health. My brother stepped up and hired 2 ladies to allow me time for myself. They are wonderful with her and are quite caring, loving spirits. I am happy to have their help for at least 12 hours a day. Support is vital. Seeking it can be overwhelming at times, but keep in mind when you get frustrated and want to go. Who is going to care for her if you get ill. Take care of your own health first, then find some people who are interested in what you want. Find peace where you can and remember you need to be a little selfish when it comes to your own body and soul. It's not easy, but you are not alone. Seek others with like concerns and work on finding the best way to be guilt free.
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You know, honestly, having mental issues of your own makes caring for someone with dementia all the more difficult. I develped my own mental health issues taking care of my mother for last 3 years and finally had to move her to assisted living. I can not imagine doing it with mental health issues already in place. I commend you for staying as long as you have and also for making the courageous decision to leave and take care of yourself. Don't let yourself feel guilty or selfish - you and your Mom are amazing people and deserve to be taking care of yourselves for a change! Someone here stated that you should call Adult Protective Services. That is exactly what you should do. Get that started before you move out so they can have grandma evaluated. Most Adult Protection is based out of your local Social/Human Services office in the county you live in. If you can not find that contact one of the local Hospitals and ask for their Social Worker. They can lead you in the right direction. Easy enough to get ahold and speak with. They will evaluate your grandma and see that she gets the help she needs. Best wishes...
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Here's how I think of it: if you constantly are taking care of someone else, and neglect to nurture your own wellbeing - then you're only being selfish to YOU. I think it's best that you and your mom move so you can at least get a breath of air. You need relief and you're not getting that. Your own health is at stake here. Do not feed the guilt --- throw guilt in a bag and shoot it.
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Not selfish at all. How would you be able to help in any capacity if you both got sick and died? Look into home care, you may still be able to care for her part of the time and you may be up to it more if you live somewhere else and finally get some rest and care of your own. As far as guilt goes, no matter what you do, you feel that way because you are committed to her and love her, so don't give in to the guilt trip. Your reasons for moving on are very sound and sensible and even necessary.
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Assisted Living IS very expensive AND the client cannot remain there once the dementia has progressed to need for "skilled care". That will happen and then you will have to start all over again to find placement. Try contacting your state home care services. Perhaps they can help her until she needs more complex care.
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You and your mother are NOT selfish at all!! I've been taking care of my disabled mother for five years and I can tell you that I have no life either. Since both of you suffer from health problems, they will not simply go away if you stay. You have to think of yourselves and if your sibling refuse to care for your grandmother, then home care is your only salvation. Assisted living is far too expensive and with home care you can feel relief knowing that someone is there with her to take care of her needs.
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Oops I meant I wish you all the luck!!!
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Good luck to you. You are strong enough to make the decision to leave your grandma's house. What would be the end result if you continued to stay when it's beyond your capability to cope? Not good for anyone. So be strong and stick to your decision but as others have mentioned social services must get involved if the siblings don't reach out. I will you all the luck!
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Oh Hannah, I have a soft spot for you simply because your name. Perhaps your family can help your grandmother move into an Assisted Living community. Alot of communities have memory care.
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It is OK, Hannah. You and your mom can't help anyone else until you help yourself. Thanks for posting....I'm sure you have helped others who will read this.
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Your doing the right thing, you and your mom need to worry about yourselves. Your grandma will still get help, as mentioned let the Social Services know, and go. You and your mom have done wonderful, but be wonderful to yourselves!

You need to feel and be strong in order to even talk with your grandma, I agree with Carol, take it day by day. Hugs
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Hannah, you and your mother are not selfish. It's beyond time for someone else to take over your grandma's care. Underneath the dementia, she knows that you love her, so don't ever let that though go.

If your relatives can't handle the situation, then someone needs to call adult protective services and let them know that your grandma is alone (if there's no social worker involved yet). It's their job to figure something out. If need be, you can explain your health and that of your mother. It's time for outside care.

If your mental illness doesn't allow you to keep in contact, that's okay. The extra stress may make your own health deteriorate. You'll have to decide that on a day to day basis. Perhaps if social services can get your grandma settled in a nursing home and she begins to do okay, you could visit, but in this case your own health must come first.

You and your mom need to take care of yourselves. That's the bottom line. You've done far more, already, than most people could under these circumstance. Don't back down.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
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Not only is it not selfish, I think it may be long overdue. Just make sure you let social services know what you're doing. They'll take over.
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Hannah13, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is stressful to not be able to help someone you love. But you and mother are making the right decision. It is time to do what is best for the two of you.

If your aunt and uncle do not step up and arrange proper care of Grandma, I hope your mom will report the situation to Adult Protection Services. I know that neither of you want to see her left to fend for herself so be sure to get some public agency involved if Grandma's other children don't take over.
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