We are moving out of my grandma's house, is this a selfish decision? - AgingCare.com

We are moving out of my grandma's house, is this a selfish decision?

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After months of suffering and trying to figure out what to do we finally found what seems like a solution, me and my mother are moving out of my grandma's house, we already found a place and will hopefully move at the end of the month. My mom and I have been taking care of my grandma for 6 years, she has Vascular dementia and it's taking over our lives completely, we can no longer go out, we have to sleep in shifts, it's a nightmare. I'm mentally ill, my mother had a severe heart attack two years ago and had surgery, we just can't live under all this stress, I think it's time to admit we can't do it and start living our lives. My mother is going to call her brother and sister ( they simply stopped visiting and calling their sick mother ) to inform them that we are moving, from them on it will be up to them to take care of my grandma. I think getting away from here will do me good but still I feel so guilty, I love my grandma and I don't want to leave her but then I think about my future and how life here is damaging me, I have to think about me and about my mother too, it's a painful situation, no matter what I do I know I'm going to suffer. Is this selfish of us? I also don't know how will I handle my grandma's situation once we move, due to my mental illness I don't know how to react to painful or stressing situations and I end up having attacks, I'm not sure if I will be able to keep in touch with her.

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Hannah, you and your mother are not selfish. It's beyond time for someone else to take over your grandma's care. Underneath the dementia, she knows that you love her, so don't ever let that though go.

If your relatives can't handle the situation, then someone needs to call adult protective services and let them know that your grandma is alone (if there's no social worker involved yet). It's their job to figure something out. If need be, you can explain your health and that of your mother. It's time for outside care.

If your mental illness doesn't allow you to keep in contact, that's okay. The extra stress may make your own health deteriorate. You'll have to decide that on a day to day basis. Perhaps if social services can get your grandma settled in a nursing home and she begins to do okay, you could visit, but in this case your own health must come first.

You and your mom need to take care of yourselves. That's the bottom line. You've done far more, already, than most people could under these circumstance. Don't back down.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
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Hannah13, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is stressful to not be able to help someone you love. But you and mother are making the right decision. It is time to do what is best for the two of you.

If your aunt and uncle do not step up and arrange proper care of Grandma, I hope your mom will report the situation to Adult Protection Services. I know that neither of you want to see her left to fend for herself so be sure to get some public agency involved if Grandma's other children don't take over.
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Not only is it not selfish, I think it may be long overdue. Just make sure you let social services know what you're doing. They'll take over.
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You know, honestly, having mental issues of your own makes caring for someone with dementia all the more difficult. I develped my own mental health issues taking care of my mother for last 3 years and finally had to move her to assisted living. I can not imagine doing it with mental health issues already in place. I commend you for staying as long as you have and also for making the courageous decision to leave and take care of yourself. Don't let yourself feel guilty or selfish - you and your Mom are amazing people and deserve to be taking care of yourselves for a change! Someone here stated that you should call Adult Protective Services. That is exactly what you should do. Get that started before you move out so they can have grandma evaluated. Most Adult Protection is based out of your local Social/Human Services office in the county you live in. If you can not find that contact one of the local Hospitals and ask for their Social Worker. They can lead you in the right direction. Easy enough to get ahold and speak with. They will evaluate your grandma and see that she gets the help she needs. Best wishes...
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It is OK, Hannah. You and your mom can't help anyone else until you help yourself. Thanks for posting....I'm sure you have helped others who will read this.
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Good luck to you. You are strong enough to make the decision to leave your grandma's house. What would be the end result if you continued to stay when it's beyond your capability to cope? Not good for anyone. So be strong and stick to your decision but as others have mentioned social services must get involved if the siblings don't reach out. I will you all the luck!
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You and your mother are NOT selfish at all!! I've been taking care of my disabled mother for five years and I can tell you that I have no life either. Since both of you suffer from health problems, they will not simply go away if you stay. You have to think of yourselves and if your sibling refuse to care for your grandmother, then home care is your only salvation. Assisted living is far too expensive and with home care you can feel relief knowing that someone is there with her to take care of her needs.
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Here's how I think of it: if you constantly are taking care of someone else, and neglect to nurture your own wellbeing - then you're only being selfish to YOU. I think it's best that you and your mom move so you can at least get a breath of air. You need relief and you're not getting that. Your own health is at stake here. Do not feed the guilt --- throw guilt in a bag and shoot it.
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I had to put a beloved elderly relative into a nursing home just last week after being caregiver for years -- it was affecting my life and health adversely and I just had no choice. Of course you will feel some guilt as I do -- but this is NOT selfishness, it's survival. Neither you nor your mother are in good enough health to look after someone with dementia. Hopefully your grandmother will end up in a better situation of some kind.
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Your doing the right thing, you and your mom need to worry about yourselves. Your grandma will still get help, as mentioned let the Social Services know, and go. You and your mom have done wonderful, but be wonderful to yourselves!

You need to feel and be strong in order to even talk with your grandma, I agree with Carol, take it day by day. Hugs
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