Regardless of what others say I think you deserve a h3ll of a lot of credit.When these people on here advise against it they forget when they were little and pooped there pants there mother and father did not put them in a home.Bring your mother into your home and give her the dignity she deserves.You are the kind of person this country is so lscking today.Thankyou for looking after ypur mother.
First off you do deserve credit, tons and tons of credit, but that doesn't mean its teh best thing to do. I have to agree with pamstegma on this one. Think long and hard, then think again and again before you do this. We all start off with the best of intentions and with lots of love. I burnt out and could no longer cope. The guilt at having to admit that almost destroyed me. My mum has been in assisted living now for 9 months and hasn't lived here with me for almost 12 months, but I'm nowhere near back to being myself. Mum, on the other hand is having a wonderful time. Caring for an elder, let alone one who may have dementia, is nothing like caring for a child. You can look after your mother in many ways other than by sacrificing your life and that is what can happen. It is of course your decision, but please think long and hard.
Carol, could you give us a little more information?
How old is your mother? Does she have chronic conditions besides the dementia? (COPD, CHF, Diabetes, mobility issues, etc)
Of course things change as dementia progresses, but right now does she have hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, belief that others are stealing from her, extreme anger, depression, anxiety? Is she being treated for any of these things? How successful is the treatment? Does she wander?
What has the your relationship with your mother been like in the past? Best friends? Cordial relationship? Distance? Some conflict? Any abuse?
What is your home situation? Are there others in the household? Do you hold a job? How is your health?
Do you have brothers or sisters? What is their relationship with your mother like?
Each situation is unique. The more we know about your situation the more relevant our advice can be.
Its wonderful to say mom is having a wonderful time in the nursing home but reality is most do not.its also nice to say you became burnt out but many will say thats a copout.what most people should say is geez I dont want to give up my vacation this year.Very Sad.Dont feel the guilt the others feel keep your mom with you and work with her,I did with my mom and never have any regrets now that shes gobe.I,am actually able to sleep at night with no guilt unlike so many others.God Bless You And your mom.
I would say do it for as long as you can. Then when You just can't deal with it anymore, put her in a home. I took care of my husband with Alzheimer's for 11 years. 5 of those years were the worst. When he became aggressive and tried to hit me I became scared and put him in a home. He is a lot bigger than I am and a lot stronger too. But it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because I love him so much. I will say to ask for as much help as you can get. VA benefits, Caregivers to relieve you on a regular basis, friends who volunteer to help you......accept as much help as is offered! And get an ID bracelet for when she wanders off. I had one registered with a national registry. free I think. But not much money for this service. I also had a service from the police that was free. They put an ID bracelet on him that was like a GPS bracelet. They came monthly to change the battery and check up on me. If he got lost they could find him quickly. I also put locks on all my closet doors that I wanted locked. Anything poisonous should be locked up.....including meds. He took bites of soap, saw the teeth marks, and drank liquids that weren't locked down. (my bottle of liquid sweeter for coffee) I had a diaper genie for his diapers. That really was great and a necessity, I feel to keep the smell away. I bought him a sleep chair, very expensive and he never would get in it. I thought it would be better than a hospital bed at the end. He is now in Charlotte Hall, not aggressive anymore and seems happy, although it grieves me to go and visit. But I do go and visit. Many never have a visitor there. Get as much help as you can get! And God bless you for taking care of your precious mother. There will come a point that she will have to be in a home. Just accept that and know that.
So here's the thing. Your profile says that your mom has dementia or Alzheimer's. These are progressive diseases. Your mom will deteriorate over time and need more and more hand's on care. She will need medical attention. She will need to be seen by psychiatry, neurology, dermatology, internist, have blood work done, dentist, hair appointments and on and on. Living at home, each one of those requires that she be bathed, dressed, diapered, cajoled into the car, gotten into the doctor's office, toileted in the office, gotten back home again.
At home, she will need stimulation beyond television; she needs human interaction.
Eventually, she may become incontinent and bedbound. Are you young enough and strong enough to reposition her every two hours? Are you able to go without a whole night's sleep often?
I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm saying that I've seen it done and it often kills the caregiver.
And no Scott, it AIN'T like taking care of babies. Babies get toilet trained.
Scottdenny, for a start off mum is not in a nursing home and I didn't say she was. I don't want to get into an argument, but I am an only child, no siblings, cousins, no one came and helped. Mum was here with me for 8 years, not 8 minutes or 8 weeks. Yes, I gave up my holidays, not the odd one, all of them, weekends, days out, afternoons out, evenings out. I gave up my job. I lost touch with friends (they get kind of fed up at always being let down). And I gave up my sleep. I did everything for her, until it broke me. You are obviously made of sterner stuff than me, lucky you
It's very, very difficult and will change you physically and emotionally. I know in the end I won't be sorry I brought mom into my home to care for her, but I wish when dad was alive that they'd moved themselves into a progressive place (independent living, assisted living, then the memory care for mom). My hope is frankly that mom won't go on another 10 years this way, which is possible since she's fine physically. I'm with Pam. I think I read that something like 40% of caregivers doing this die before the one getting the care (?)
Some lessons I have learned. BEFORE you take on the role of caretaker of a parent have all their legal documents reviewed. If another sibling has been made health advocate or power of attorney DO NOT become the caretaker unless you are legally put in charge. There is nothing worse than an uninvolved sibling dictating financial or health decisions and yet does not want to the actual care taking. Get this issue resolved before you take on the role of caretaker. If your Mom has Alzheimer's get plenty of expert advice before taking on this difficult but rewarding effort.
That is daunting statistic.......40% , and I don't doubt it. I was confined to the house for a year and a half. People asked what they could do to help. All I wanted were lots of hugs and someone to talk to. But people avoid you so they don't have to help. Even your children stay away. They are afraid they might have to step up and take care of their beloved mother or father. They really have no conscience. I am very bitter about his daughters, three of them that don't even visit or send a card. Not even when I asked them to just send a picture on his 80th birthday. He loves to see their pictures. I am not sure if he remembers because he doesn't make any sense. But the other day when I was there I showed him a picture of his grandchildren and asked if he remember them. He said, "Yes I do. Do you think I am........garbled language?" I think maybe he was going to say dumb or stupid. It is extremely difficult to visit because I hate to see him and think about what he once was. He was a magnificent man with a brilliant mind and I am sure all the other men in the Veteran's home were too. I imagine them as important people, commander of a ship or maybe a general, or a business owner, CEO. It is just so sad that they all just waste away. He has been in the home for over 9 months now, and I am just beginning to get my life back. I am back in church, volunteering to help in a soup kitchen, attending as many free concerts as possible, watching an occasional movie by myself or with a friend. I try to go out to lunch as much as possible when ever a friend offers to go along. But I still feel guilty for leaving him in the home. When I go he always has a smile on his face. I don't think he know who I am although he seems to recognize me. He doesn't know my name or what a wife is. But he knows that I am the one who comes to see him and is kind to him and loves him. I tell him as much as possible. Mostly we just sit and hold hands because he can't carry on a conversation. I miss the man I loved for 40 years. I am not sorry I kept him at home for as long as I could. I love him.
Carol803, There are some very good questions raised here. Much to consider and safety is a huge priority; both you and your mom. Five years ago life hit the fan for me. My dad's sudden passing put mom's dementia in the spotlight. I was working, living about an hour from my folk's house. I knew I could not leave mom alone. She has dementia but also able-bodied with the energy of someone half her age (she's now 88). Knowing my siblings all live out-of-state; found a facility near me with wonderful amenities for her. Kept busting out!! Did this in the winter and they told me she was too much a liability so move her out. In February, in Michigan. Grrrrrr. I did. Eventually needed to quit my job and move up here with her. Found a wonderful daycare run by Council on Aging here that is very affordable!! Keeps me sane to get her out of the house. A bus picks her up, they have a special program, exercises, mind quizzes, and more. I've sought out more respite care and found a place that can take her for a weekend or a week, if need be. Very important to have her medications BALANCED BY A NEUROLOGIST!!! When she gets angry and it isn't a UTI; her meds need balancing and not by a general practitioner. Wherever your loved one is keeping them happy, safe, clean is the main thing. bakanced meds means she's not aggressive and can be handled with re-direction. Sure mom has bad days, can be up at night but we have many more good days. She's thriving. I found a community band where I play flute and she sits next to me. It's 2 hours of weekly music therapy for her and I found new freinds here. You must WORK at finding respite care for you and balancing meds for her for any of this to work. Do your homework first.
I moved my mom in 2 1/2 years ago. She has dementia which is now progressing rapidly and it is destroying my family. Unless you have a great support system in place or tons of money to spend on respite care be prepared to have no life. Most days I can't get my mom to get out of bed. She uses a potty chair in her room so soon the incontenece will come I wait until someone can spare a minute to sit with her so I can go to the grocery store. You will give up your free time your personal relationships your outside hobbies. It is not like caring for a child A child grows into caring for them selves this is caring for a child who grows backwards
One thing to keep in mind - you do give up lots and as far as paying your parent back for taking care of you as a child...Remember there were "rewards" in that as a child you grew & learned. As you'll find, a parent with dementia/AD "unlearns" everything and that has been the thing I have to remind myself of daily. Another thing...Socialization is a very important component...My mom's MD is helping me get her to see how important hanging out with other adults is good for her in a variety of ways. So am nudging her toward senior day center. It doesn't give me a break per se - I'm tethered to the house working anyway, but I can see where it could make a HUGE difference for her. Also, there's no harm in "trying" to do it, but have a plan B or even backup so you don't lose yourself or your own mind!
"Your mom will deteriorate over time and need more and more hand's on care. She will need medical attention. She will need to be seen by psychiatry, neurology, dermatology, internist, have blood work done, dentist, hair appointments and on and on. Living at home, each one of those requires that she be bathed, dressed, diapered, cajoled into the car, gotten into the doctor's office, toileted in the office, gotten back home again. At home, she will need stimulation beyond television; she needs human interaction. Eventually, she may become incontinent and bedbound. Are you young enough and strong enough to reposition her every two hours? Are you able to go without a whole night's sleep often?"
What a great description of what life will be like, Babalou! I'm exhausted just reading it! Every single family member should be made to read descriptions like this before someone takes a parent into their home or moves in with them to "help."
There is a lot to think about, don't make any rash decisions. Educate yourself on the disease and take advantage of the resources out there. There is a lot to consider. Are you alone, will you have help? Are their resources near you such as Adult Day Care, home health care etc. Do you work?
What I miss the most is my freedom. For all those people out there who say we have to take care of our parents because they took care of us. That is the most ignorant statement. Each situation is different. Taking care of someone doesn't necessarily mean YOU have to do it; its finding out what is best for your parent. You still have taken care of them if you place them in a proper facility. A friend of mine - her father was just committed (against her mother's will) because he was becoming violent. This disease changes people, they lose their mind. As the disease progresses, they can't be left alone. What if you become ill or hospitalized (which happened to me); than what?
What worked for me:
My mom has lived with me 1.5 years; she is 92 has Alzheimer's and has recently been diagnosed with stage 3 bladder cancer. Currently she attends an adult day program for people with dementia and she really enjoys going. This organization provides a strong support system for families that has been invaluable. I do not know what I would do without them. But there are the days she doesn't want to go, so I miss work again; or I don't go to that Christmas party because she refuses to let home health care come in and tells me she is going to get on the bus and go home. Every day is a new day. You will never know how they will behave.
I also researched many assisted living facilities, have picked one out and she is on the waiting list. This is a very time consuming process and I would recommend it - because when the time comes when you no longer want to or can care for her - you already have a plan in place.
Being a caregiver effects your job, your personal life, your marriage and you become emotionally and physically exhausted. Your life ends and everything you do is surrounded around the person with dementia. If you are in it, you are in it for the long haul.
As soon as there is an opening, I am placing her. She has been on the waiting list since January; they expect an opening in September. I love my mom, I have cared for her, but I am done. It is not my fault that she didn't plan for the future. She is now beginning to wander, she wets her pants, the area of the house where she stays smells. She has ruined my carpet.
Her condition in only going to worsen and I am not turning my home into a hospice center. I wish you the best. If she can afford assisted living, that is what I would recommend. One that specializes in dementia care. Talk to other caregivers in your area and see what works for them.
I'm not sure that caregiving is something one can just "try to see if it works" because the move itself is so difficult for frail parents. If it ends up not working, you will be back in this position and a second move would be much, much more difficult on both of you. I think you need to make every effort to get it right the first time.
Now is the time for objectivity. There are geriatric nurse practitioners who make house calls to help families in your situation. Find a hospital that has a geriatrics service and find out what in-home evaluations they offer.
You also need to be objective about your own home. Do you have a bathroom that is ADA compliant? Will a wheelchair or transfer chair fit? Will a shower chair fit? Will rails next to the toilet fit? Is your toilet high enough?
You also need to think about your car because it will be the vehicle that provides her with transportation to and from doctors appointments. Will it fit a folded wheelchair or transfer chair? Can your mother get in and out of it? Imagine the process it will take to get your mother in and out of your car multiple times in one day. Where will you load her in? Do you have a garage or carport that is spacious enough to execute the transfer safely? If you don't, will you have to get her in and out of the car in the rain, snow, or blazing sun?
Errands. How are you going to get your grocery shopping done so that you can feed your mother three square meals a day? She will need a proper diet - perhaps even a special diet - and you need to think about whether or not you can provide over 1,000 meals a year.
Her personal hygiene. Read up on urinary tract infections. Aside from whatever ailments your mother already has, preventing UTIs is very important. Proper toileting is essential.
Laundry. Are you prepared to deal with all the laundry your mother will create? If you're lucky, it's just pee on the sheets. But when it's poop, it's a biohazard and you will have to learn how to properly handle contaminated laundry so that you don't contaminate your washer with human feces. If your mother becomes fecal incontinent, you will need to get a pail for soaking sheets, clothes, towels before you can wash them. That takes a lot of extra time but if you don't do it, you and your mother could become very sick.
Entertainment. In addition to doing all of the work for your mother you will also need to provide her with mental stimulation every day.
Exercise. Your mother will need physical activity in short doses every single day. Whether it's two or three short walks after every meal or physical therapy type exercises, she will need exercise every single day or her body will break down quickly, which will increase her risk of getting bedsores.
Are you the caregiving type? Are you a parent yourself? Will you work/job suffer? Be honest with yourself now and it will save both you and your mom much heartache later.
There are excellent ideas above regarding things to consider. There is so much to think about.
I think that many family members think that care giving for a loved one with dementia involves minimal care if they are mobile and cooperative. They may not anticipate how the condition can progress and you are then having to change diapers, feed, contend with resistant behavior, lose sleep, re-position in bed, get in and out for medical appointments.
I discovered how physically demanding it is, even on a healthy body, to have to get a person with dementia transferred from house, to doctor office, back home, etc. It's a huge deal, even for one trip. So, if there multiple trips.....AND if the person is not able to transfer from the chair, then you need a vehicle with a lift and that is complicated to get appointments, coverage, etc. It's not just getting their body there, but you may have a person who is in fear, anxious and needs constant reassuring.
You may also have to contend with keeping them in the home if they begin to wander.
I also wonder if many of us would allow our loved one to go into a place where there would be one person on duty 24/7. There is so much to consider.
If your Mom is moving in with you I would advise ASAP talk to all relatives and interested persons and especially siblings and tell them how expensive and draining and difficult it is to care for an elderly person especially if you live with them. Tell them that you all equally bear the responsibility for caring for her until she leaves this earth and ask them what they would like to do to help.
Tell them that financial assistance or physical help or any way will be appreciated. After she moves in and you have been carrying the load all by yourself for a time you lose all leverage.
Try to get commitments in writing from them. Make sure YOU have POWER OF ATTORNEY and Medical POA. Ask her Doctor and nurses what you will need and tell your siblings. Be firm and confident but let them know that you will need their help.
They still might not step up to the plate, but before your Mom moves in is the best time to raise all these issues.
Tell them you will need breaks and vacations, that you would like someone to come in on a regular basis to help with her. Read as many posts as you can on this website and see the kinds of problems you will be facing.
A few days ago I saw a used baby diaper in a parking lot. It was folded up with the tape turning it into a bundle about the size of a softball. I swear to God I found my self thinking "oh look, isn't that cute". You see, the diapers I fold up these days are from a full grown man - my son. Changing diapers on a baby is waaay different than changing diapers on a full grown adult - nothing cute about it.
carol803, we really need more information about you and your mother, to help guide you. Your profile says your Mom has dementia/Alzheimer's, but it doesn't say if your Mom is just starting out with this memory issue or if your Mom is in the middle stages. Are there mobility issues, too? Hearing? Eyesight?
What age group are you in? There is a big difference if you are a meer 40 years old or if you are in your 60's.... once we become seniors ourselves we have our own age decline and health issues. I have aged 20 years over the past 7 years, as my parents were in their 90's and had refused to move some place safer nor allow caregivers from the outside.
Are you employed? Would you still be able to work outside of the home at this point in time? Or would you need to resign from work? If you need to resign read this: ... on average if a working person quits work he/she will lose over the years between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary over those years... it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance coverage.... loss of money being put into Social Security/Medicare..... loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k).... profit sharing.... workman's comp insurance.... company sponsored life insurance.... vacation pay, sick pay.... tuition assistance, etc. [source: in part Reuters 5/30/12]
And if you do quit your job to caregiver full-time, forget about "just going back to work after she's gone" because in this economy if you voluntarily leave the workforce, it is nearly impossible to get back in unless your work is super highly specialized and you're one of the few people who can do it.
If your employer is flexible and willing to let you work from home, you will not get any work done unless you can hire a caregiver while you're "at work." Even the most considerate employer cannot allow your personal life to interfere indefinitely with your job performance.
I find when people flippantly say "It's just like taking care of a baby" or "You're parent changed your diaper when you were a baby", are insensitive & don't have a clue. Taking care of my Mom for the past 17 years, watching the decline & fading away is heartbreaking.
CaringRN - I completely agree. I find it impossible to believe that the ignoramus' that make those statement had and truely difficult situations to deal with for any significant length of time - or they wouldn't make such stupid statements.
I took my mother in because my brother and his wife needed respite. She was dependent and started having symptoms but after her hip fracture, symptoms exacerbated. I have four brothers..all married and one married sister. Except for my younger brother and wife, they are all no shows so I, alone have been dealing with her worsening symptoms. I have to be available all day and at night cause the contracted caregivers cannot deal with her when she becomes agitated. So, basically, I have the burden. I alone. If you can help it, care from a distance because the facts are real. It will consume you.
It is heartbreaking to watch a loving parent decline and fade away from a distance, even when it's just a mile or two. I cannot imagine the pain of being there up close and personal watching it 24/7. I think it must be akin to mental cruelty or torture.
My closest friends and family live in other countries and they do not have these problems. Their parents are in their 80s and 90s living in their homes, tending to their gardens, walking to the butcher and baker every day. What is wrong with our society that so many of our elders fail to thrive in old age?
I have to agree with pamstegma on this one. Think long and hard, then think again and again before you do this. We all start off with the best of intentions and with lots of love.
I burnt out and could no longer cope. The guilt at having to admit that almost destroyed me. My mum has been in assisted living now for 9 months and hasn't lived here with me for almost 12 months, but I'm nowhere near back to being myself. Mum, on the other hand is having a wonderful time.
Caring for an elder, let alone one who may have dementia, is nothing like caring for a child. You can look after your mother in many ways other than by sacrificing your life and that is what can happen.
It is of course your decision, but please think long and hard.
How old is your mother? Does she have chronic conditions besides the dementia? (COPD, CHF, Diabetes, mobility issues, etc)
Of course things change as dementia progresses, but right now does she have hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, belief that others are stealing from her, extreme anger, depression, anxiety? Is she being treated for any of these things? How successful is the treatment? Does she wander?
What has the your relationship with your mother been like in the past? Best friends? Cordial relationship? Distance? Some conflict? Any abuse?
What is your home situation? Are there others in the household? Do you hold a job? How is your health?
Do you have brothers or sisters? What is their relationship with your mother like?
Each situation is unique. The more we know about your situation the more relevant our advice can be.
At home, she will need stimulation beyond television; she needs human interaction.
Eventually, she may become incontinent and bedbound. Are you young enough and strong enough to reposition her every two hours? Are you able to go without a whole night's sleep often?
I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm saying that I've seen it done and it often kills the caregiver.
And no Scott, it AIN'T like taking care of babies. Babies get toilet trained.
I don't want to get into an argument, but I am an only child, no siblings, cousins, no one came and helped. Mum was here with me for 8 years, not 8 minutes or 8 weeks.
Yes, I gave up my holidays, not the odd one, all of them, weekends, days out, afternoons out, evenings out. I gave up my job. I lost touch with friends (they get kind of fed up at always being let down). And I gave up my sleep. I did everything for her, until it broke me.
You are obviously made of sterner stuff than me, lucky you
If your Mom has Alzheimer's get plenty of expert advice before taking on this difficult but rewarding effort.
There are some very good questions raised here. Much to consider and safety is a huge priority; both you and your mom.
Five years ago life hit the fan for me. My dad's sudden passing put mom's dementia in the spotlight. I was working, living about an hour from my folk's house. I knew I could not leave mom alone. She has dementia but also able-bodied with the energy of someone half her age (she's now 88). Knowing my siblings all live out-of-state; found a facility near me with wonderful amenities for her. Kept busting out!! Did this in the winter and they told me she was too much a liability so move her out. In February, in Michigan. Grrrrrr. I did. Eventually needed to quit my job and move up here with her. Found a wonderful daycare run by Council on Aging here that is very affordable!! Keeps me sane to get her out of the house. A bus picks her up, they have a special program, exercises, mind quizzes, and more. I've sought out more respite care and found a place that can take her for a weekend or a week, if need be.
Very important to have her medications BALANCED BY A NEUROLOGIST!!! When she gets angry and it isn't a UTI; her meds need balancing and not by a general practitioner. Wherever your loved one is keeping them happy, safe, clean is the main thing. bakanced meds means she's not aggressive and can be handled with re-direction. Sure mom has bad days, can be up at night but we have many more good days. She's thriving. I found a community band where I play flute and she sits next to me. It's 2 hours of weekly music therapy for her and I found new freinds here. You must WORK at finding respite care for you and balancing meds for her for any of this to work. Do your homework first.
At home, she will need stimulation beyond television; she needs human interaction.
Eventually, she may become incontinent and bedbound. Are you young enough and strong enough to reposition her every two hours? Are you able to go without a whole night's sleep often?"
What a great description of what life will be like, Babalou! I'm exhausted just reading it! Every single family member should be made to read descriptions like this before someone takes a parent into their home or moves in with them to "help."
What I miss the most is my freedom. For all those people out there who say we have to take care of our parents because they took care of us. That is the most ignorant statement. Each situation is different. Taking care of someone doesn't necessarily mean YOU have to do it; its finding out what is best for your parent. You still have taken care of them if you place them in a proper facility. A friend of mine - her father was just committed (against her mother's will) because he was becoming violent. This disease changes people, they lose their mind. As the disease progresses, they can't be left alone. What if you become ill or hospitalized (which happened to me); than what?
What worked for me:
My mom has lived with me 1.5 years; she is 92 has Alzheimer's and has recently been diagnosed with stage 3 bladder cancer. Currently she attends an adult day program for people with dementia and she really enjoys going. This organization provides a strong support system for families that has been invaluable. I do not know what I would do without them. But there are the days she doesn't want to go, so I miss work again; or I don't go to that Christmas party because she refuses to let home health care come in and tells me she is going to get on the bus and go home. Every day is a new day. You will never know how they will behave.
I also researched many assisted living facilities, have picked one out and she is on the waiting list. This is a very time consuming process and I would recommend it - because when the time comes when you no longer want to or can care for her - you already have a plan in place.
Being a caregiver effects your job, your personal life, your marriage and you become emotionally and physically exhausted. Your life ends and everything you do is surrounded around the person with dementia. If you are in it, you are in it for the long haul.
As soon as there is an opening, I am placing her. She has been on the waiting list since January; they expect an opening in September. I love my mom, I have cared for her, but I am done. It is not my fault that she didn't plan for the future. She is now beginning to wander, she wets her pants, the area of the house where she stays smells. She has ruined my carpet.
Her condition in only going to worsen and I am not turning my home into a hospice center. I wish you the best. If she can afford assisted living, that is what I would recommend. One that specializes in dementia care. Talk to other caregivers in your area and see what works for them.
Good Luck!
Now is the time for objectivity. There are geriatric nurse practitioners who make house calls to help families in your situation. Find a hospital that has a geriatrics service and find out what in-home evaluations they offer.
You also need to be objective about your own home. Do you have a bathroom that is ADA compliant? Will a wheelchair or transfer chair fit? Will a shower chair fit? Will rails next to the toilet fit? Is your toilet high enough?
You also need to think about your car because it will be the vehicle that provides her with transportation to and from doctors appointments. Will it fit a folded wheelchair or transfer chair? Can your mother get in and out of it? Imagine the process it will take to get your mother in and out of your car multiple times in one day. Where will you load her in? Do you have a garage or carport that is spacious enough to execute the transfer safely? If you don't, will you have to get her in and out of the car in the rain, snow, or blazing sun?
Errands. How are you going to get your grocery shopping done so that you can feed your mother three square meals a day? She will need a proper diet - perhaps even a special diet - and you need to think about whether or not you can provide over 1,000 meals a year.
Her personal hygiene. Read up on urinary tract infections. Aside from whatever ailments your mother already has, preventing UTIs is very important. Proper toileting is essential.
Laundry. Are you prepared to deal with all the laundry your mother will create? If you're lucky, it's just pee on the sheets. But when it's poop, it's a biohazard and you will have to learn how to properly handle contaminated laundry so that you don't contaminate your washer with human feces. If your mother becomes fecal incontinent, you will need to get a pail for soaking sheets, clothes, towels before you can wash them. That takes a lot of extra time but if you don't do it, you and your mother could become very sick.
Entertainment. In addition to doing all of the work for your mother you will also need to provide her with mental stimulation every day.
Exercise. Your mother will need physical activity in short doses every single day. Whether it's two or three short walks after every meal or physical therapy type exercises, she will need exercise every single day or her body will break down quickly, which will increase her risk of getting bedsores.
Are you the caregiving type? Are you a parent yourself? Will you work/job suffer? Be honest with yourself now and it will save both you and your mom much heartache later.
I think that many family members think that care giving for a loved one with dementia involves minimal care if they are mobile and cooperative. They may not anticipate how the condition can progress and you are then having to change diapers, feed, contend with resistant behavior, lose sleep, re-position in bed, get in and out for medical appointments.
I discovered how physically demanding it is, even on a healthy body, to have to get a person with dementia transferred from house, to doctor office, back home, etc. It's a huge deal, even for one trip. So, if there multiple trips.....AND if the person is not able to transfer from the chair, then you need a vehicle with a lift and that is complicated to get appointments, coverage, etc. It's not just getting their body there, but you may have a person who is in fear, anxious and needs constant reassuring.
You may also have to contend with keeping them in the home if they begin to wander.
I also wonder if many of us would allow our loved one to go into a place where there would be one person on duty 24/7. There is so much to consider.
Tell them that financial assistance or physical help or any way will be appreciated. After she moves in and you have been carrying the load all by yourself for a time you lose all leverage.
Try to get commitments in writing from them. Make sure YOU have POWER OF ATTORNEY and Medical POA. Ask her Doctor and nurses what you will need and tell your siblings. Be firm and confident but let them know that you will need their help.
They still might not step up to the plate, but before your Mom moves in is the best time to raise all these issues.
Tell them you will need breaks and vacations, that you would like someone to come in on a regular basis to help with her. Read as many posts as you can on this website and see the kinds of problems you will be facing.
Good luck.
What age group are you in? There is a big difference if you are a meer 40 years old or if you are in your 60's.... once we become seniors ourselves we have our own age decline and health issues. I have aged 20 years over the past 7 years, as my parents were in their 90's and had refused to move some place safer nor allow caregivers from the outside.
Are you employed? Would you still be able to work outside of the home at this point in time? Or would you need to resign from work? If you need to resign read this: ... on average if a working person quits work he/she will lose over the years between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary over those years... it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance coverage.... loss of money being put into Social Security/Medicare..... loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k).... profit sharing.... workman's comp insurance.... company sponsored life insurance.... vacation pay, sick pay.... tuition assistance, etc. [source: in part Reuters 5/30/12]
If your employer is flexible and willing to let you work from home, you will not get any work done unless you can hire a caregiver while you're "at work." Even the most considerate employer cannot allow your personal life to interfere indefinitely with your job performance.
My closest friends and family live in other countries and they do not have these problems. Their parents are in their 80s and 90s living in their homes, tending to their gardens, walking to the butcher and baker every day. What is wrong with our society that so many of our elders fail to thrive in old age?