My brother and I both agree she needs to go to memory care. Doctors recommend it or 24/7 care. I’m feeling grief, etc. one of her long time caregivers says we should keep her at home. I’m 2.5 hours drive away and have been coming up to help care for her. This past 20 days I’ve been up for 10. My life has been put on hold, which is not too difficult, but I’m not happy about it either. My brother is helping with the move - I’m worried how she will react when some of her furniture is gone. We’ve talked about her moving but she gets upset about it and doesn’t want to discuss. I get upset because she asks what do I need to do- I can’t say you aren’t capable of doing anything. She can still feed herself and do many things, but she is a fall risk. I feel like she will do better with other people around her and activities to do. She has no idea that I’ve sacrificed a lot to be there for her. I’m moving her closer to me so I can see her more to make sure she is taken care of. So many feelings. Thanks for listening
My Aunty died as a result of a fall in her 'safe' care home.
Despite my mum's best carer telling us that mum is doing very well in her own home with regular support from myself and the extra carers- My siblings (all living abroad) now want to put her into a care home asap. I am very suspicious of their personal motives ever since I've pressed for more visits and personal support from them.
We have to be honest surely?- Is it best for our loved one- or just easiest for us?
Since you are more resilient than everyone else, and you hate care homes… when can we expect you to care for OP’s mother?
I’m not even joking. You need to coordinate with the OP to rush to her mother’s aid. You just boasted how terrible your experience was, so this shouldn’t be a big deal for you.
I felt guilt as well, but as others have said, I didn’t cause her illness. She is safe and has all meals prepared, doesn’t have to worry about money anymore, and is kept safe by a multitude of people. I was able to find a memory care she could afford after the sale of her home. I see her at least once a week, but never more than every 5 days. I get to be just loving daughter, not frustrated caregiver.
I’m still not square after the move we made 2 years ago. DH has just built a new shed but hasn’t sorted out his engineering equipment. I haven’t fully unpacked from both houses that were collapsed into one, and haven’t worked out what to do with the surplus. Moving is awful!
Try to shift the conversation to how to move, rather than losing her home.
You are doing this FOR her. For her safety. She needs 24/7 care.
Of course her longtime caregiver will say she should remain at home. She is losing a client.
Yes she will be upset.
She most likely will decline.
It will take her a while to adjust.
But she will adjust.
Oh, an FYI for you. You say she is a fall risk. She will fall. but most likely she would have fallen in her own home. Falls happen. What you need to be prepared for is the "what if's" that come with a fall.
You and your brother are doing the right thing for your mom.
Another patient rang their call bell for 8 minutes before anyone answered, I need to look into memory care facilities ASAP.
I hope it'll help you to tell yourself that you aren't bailing out on her so much as you are getting her the trained professional help she needs. Believe me, there is a big difference between professional care teams in a facility and a family or single caregiver in the home. Even though I'd previously been dementia caregiver to mom, dad, and another relative in their homes, my knowledge of what to do was challenged when it was my spouse. No two cases of dementia are the same, and the pros, who deal with it day in and day out for years, are the BEST.
You are acting out of love for mom, but no doubt in my mind, you're doing the right thing. I wish her well, and you too.
There is now no way of making your Mom "understand" any of this. Her brain no longer is capable of that. But yours IS. And it is important you fully embrace that difference. This is heartbreaking. But you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.
For myself, atheist that I am, the repeating of the serenity prayer has got me through some very tough times. It's more a meditation than anything else, a comfort and a reminder that we simply are not omnipotent.
I would stop telling your Mom the blow-by-blow plans. Because she can't retain much, or anything, you use therapeutic fibs to keep her calm and peaceful. You can tell her it's a temporary move because there's a "problem" with her home that needs to be fixed so the power will need to be off and she can't live there for a while. You can also loop in the facility, since this won't be their first rodeo in receiving a new resident. No one really wants to go to a facility. Maybe you can talk to your Mom's primary physician about a very low dose of meds for anxiety. Your Mom's brain is broken and she cannot get her own mind to a place of acceptance because her reason and logic and memory are so diminished, so she needs outside help to achieve this. It is merciful. Get her on meds before the move, if she isn't already on some.
Maybe consider not packing up her stuff in front of her. It may be tricky but it may help get her there easier. Maybe one person takes her out for a long drive or errands while others pack up and move her belongings out and in, all in one day? If your Mom has the funds, consider hiring a company to do this.
Also, she will need time to adjust once she is moved in. The facililty will probably recommend not coming in person for a while (a week or 2) so don't be shocked by this and trust the process.
I wish you peace in your hearts as you are on this journey with her.