Thinking about moving Mom and Dad 600 miles to care facility near me. With all the health problems logistics will be a nightmare. Ideas?

PS: the rural area where I grew up has become a horrible, conjested, un zoned, over developed mess. I would never move back there. I've been away for 30 years have made a good life which I don't want to give up.

Since it sounds like the move will be crisis-driven, contact a medical transport company and see what they can offer. Moving fragile people is their business, after all. My exposure to them was through a (young healthy) friend who suffered major injuries while far from home. Ground transport was in a specially equipped van, with a medically qualified attendant.

Windyridge, you have a challenge ahead. I'm not sure how I would do it. With your dad's dementia, I would likely appeal to your mom's sense of reason. The progression of dementia will make it clear to her that assistance is needed. Living with a person with dementia is very stressful. The repeating, pacing, constant anxiety by the patient can really cause misery on the partner. If she faces this, perhaps she will agree.

I explained to my loved one that she was going into assisted living to obtain therapy and get her meds. That way she could recover and regain her strength and balance. She agreed to that. Eventually, she forgot why she was there and now doesn't know she has a house.

My cousin's doctor actually suggested that she go into assisted living to help her with her meds and to get therapy. So, my cousin eventually got on board.

I would write it on a tablet and hang it on the wall so she could read it, but she would forget it, so I would have to repeat it over and over. She would ask me over and over how long she would be there and I would explain over and over that it depended on her progress. That seemed to make her feel much better and I would always praise her for her great work in therapy. In reality, she would resist therapy, fell a lot and had to go into a wheelchair, but I kept being positive, to keep her spirits up. She couldn't help it. She was just declining. I still tell her how proud I am of her progress and how well she's doing. She smiles and it makes her feel good for the moment. The reality of the matter has no meaning to her, so I try to keep her as happy as possible.

If it was me, I'd try to do it in one fell swoop, as it will be hard no matter how you do it and trying to do it twice would be more difficult (in my opinion).

I would say you have two options, either getting some kind of specialized vehicle and trying to drive straight through or staying overnight somewhere and possibly using a normal car with stops for bathroom breaks.

Do you have people who can/would help you? That would make it much easier to manage. You really can't be trying to drive and dealing with whatever might go on with the folks. Does your mom know that they need to move near you? Will she support you in whatever you have to do to get dad to cooperate?

The best option (though kind of drastic) might be to get the RV, get dad sedated to where he sleeps most of the way (put a diaper on him), let mom stop to use the restroom and go straight through. Not pretty, but it could get the job done. But I would want at least one other person (and maybe two) to assist me on the way, in case anything happened. Good luck...you will literally have your hands full trying to get them moved.

Sunnygirl, that's a great idea by saying one is going into assisted living to obtain therapy, etc. I'll have to remember that when the time comes for my parents :)

I should say her doctor insisted she go into assisted living. If she had refused, the doctor was going to report her to protective services. She told us both that. There was serious need, so I had to convince her to go.

I like the idea of a medical transport company, although I suspect it would be quite expensive. When my parents were wintering in Texas there was one occasion when I considered hiring a service to fly them back. I don't recall all the results of my research but I believe that I had found a helo firm that provided medical transport. However, a larger plane would be more comfortable.

I like the idea of an RV trip home with various family members; it could be considered a rolling family reunion. It might also help keep your father oriented, a concern I would have for a long cross state trip.

I think that with dementia, it might be easier to do it now than later in the event your father becomes disoriented and/or combative. But the question is how to convince him.

I think one of the really difficult aspects of caregiving is that so many of us try so hard to accommodate our parents' needs while still being firm, but it's hard to be that way, and it's hard to be as firm with them as they were with us when we were children. With a child, "no" or "that's not going to happen" is firm, but with our parents, it's more of an opening salvo for a challenge to do what they want.

I wish I knew how to tell them and make them understand that these relationships are two-way; they don't get to make all the decisions about what they're going to do while expecting us to meekly comply. They didn't allow that when we were young.

Your situation really is a dilemma. I thought my predicaments couldn't get worse until I came back here and read your post! And you even have the arduous tasks of long distance worrying.

There's just so many conflicts between what they want vs what they need, and how that interacts with what we want, what we need, and what we can realistically provide.

The other difference to kids (or pets) is that we expect those to improve behavior and judgement with time and training, while the seniors are going the opposite direction.

Blannie.....ohhhh, you're good. The sedated RV trip. Hmmmmmm. I'm the only surviving child but I have a couple nephews, my folks grandsons, who might be enticed to come along for the adventure. And my wife is a trooper, my folks love her and will listen to her cause she's a lawyer ya see and knows things.

And Flyer, it may take the crisis to break this open and force the issue. Thanks for the tips.