Moving in with Mom. Any advice?

I have to say I totally disagree with kathyt1. There is not in my opinion any respect that one is due merely by being a parent or by reaching a certain age. As well as honoring someone as a parent, honor like respect is earned.

I think it's important to distinguish allowing your parent to control his or her own affairs and allowing him or her to control you. I'm happy to let my mother manage her own affairs. I'm not prepared to let her manage my affairs. I am working hard to not let her manage the way I do things for her. I don't appreciate being nagged or micromanaged, both of which she's prone to doing. I'll give you an example. We were leaving for the library a few weeks ago (me driving her car, which is easier than mine for her to get in and out of). She told me we needed to stop for gas. I was okay with her telling me this, as my sister had been the last one to drive the car, so I didn't know the gas was low. I told her I was going to take the back route to the library to avoid the traffic. She put in "After you stop for gas." I said very firmly "MOM!!!" Letting her know that she was pushing my buttons.

My sister and I have both told my mother that she is not entitled to play the "parent" card. We are adults and we are helping her out of the goodness of our hearts. If I were to give any advice to an adult child moving in with a parent, it would be the exact opposite of what kathyt said. I would say "Insist on being treated as an adult. If your parent starts speaking to you like you're 10 years old and acting like they're entitled to control your every move, call them out on it. Stand up for yourself or you won't make it through without a lot of bitterness, anger and resentment.

Carla, each have some good points. The greatest problem I've seen is that the caregiving child is trying to treat the parent with respect, but not getting it back from them. That lets resentment build and kills respect over time.

It is a wonderful idea to let parents have as much control as possible. The truth is, however, that many are no longer able to run the show. When it comes to dementia, reasoning is one of the first casualties. The best a caregiver can do is try to take over control silently so it doesn't rock the boat too much. This is easy to do with some things like paying bills, but harder to do with more personal things like medications.

I do know that we can't blame caregivers for wanting to control their own lives any more than we can blame care receivers for it. We can't expect someone to lose control of their own life and happiness so that the receiver can feel better. That is not a good trade-off and is actually very dismissive of the personal needs of the caregiver, who is often also a senior citizen.

Something I've noticed, and maybe it's just me, is that when advice is given to put more into the physical part of caregiving, it is usually given to a woman. I wonder if I have done the same. I wonder if it is we think women are naturally more serving than men. (Or maybe it's my imagination.)

I agree it's important to allow the parent to retain as much control as possible. I'm not arguing that. I have one sister who rarely does anything for my mother, and one reason is that she can't seem to help without trying to impose her will on my mother, and my mother resists that and my sister gets angry and frustrated. Whereas I'm much more easygoing, plus I understand my mother a lot better. I know what she's open to doing and what she won't want to do.

That said, I often need to argue with her when she goes down a path that doesn't make any sense. She doesn't have full blown dementia but her judgment and memory are not what they used to be. I try to do it in a respectful way, but not because she's a parent. It's because she's a person. I talk to kids respectfully too, and store clerks, and everyone else. Hell, I even apologize when I accidently bump into my dog.

Thank you, all for the replies, still hanging int there, we have had some difficult times, mostly because of her drinking. I am still setting boundaries, which is not easy as she thinks she should be the one making all the rules. As for the trailer I don't live in it I just use it a my little sanctuary. I can go in there and read work on computer or just watch a movie., It has been a blessing.
Yes the guilt trips are many, I have also had to let sibling know that they are still needed and that just because I live with her, that they can drop the ball. They still don't do much, but I am finally getting my sister and younger brother to see that this is really difficult.

Doug, you gave up your job and spent down your savings to keep your Mom in her home? What's going to happen to you when she dies? Just because it can be done, doesn't mean it should be done, let alone recommended to others. Maybe you're sure you'll bounce back from this and land on your feet. Many people aren't so lucky. People in their 50's and 60's generally have a terrible time getting back into the labor market after they've been out a while. Some are left truly destitute.

I would also not assume that everyone will feel that "although it seems like you are giving up a lot, you will gain so much more by doing this." That's a very individual thing, depending a lot on the quality of the relationship between the parent and the adult child. That may be your experience, but it isn't everyone's. It isn't mine, for sure.

My husband has dementia and my son, his wife, and their two children ( ages: 2 mos and 2 1/2 years) moved in with us so he could help out and finish his last year of college....It has been really rough! My husband resents him being there because it's his home and he doesn't want anyone else there...just me. I've tried to talk to him about the things he can no longer do and my son now takes care of those chores. But, because of the dementia, he thinks things will go back to the way they were and he'll be able to take care of chores around the house if my son moves out...you just can't reason with someone whose mind is so confused!
My husband also worries that my son is going to get his pick-up...even though he can't drive (he's partially blind from a stroke) and I have my own vehicle that I drive.
My husband is possessive with his tools...even though he can no longer use them and it is necessary for us to use them for repairs and jobs around the house...no one uses them properly...always a complaint!

He thinks someone is taking his things...even if he had the object last and he misplaced it! He thinks someone is stealing his money...even though I give him very little to carry in his pocket because he can't manage it!

He just can't understand that my son is helping me...and I don't think he can even understand that I am overloaded and need help. It is a really stressful situation for me and for my kids. I find myself trying to keep him away from the kids so I don't have to listen to his complaints.

Just things to ponder before moving in with parents that have dementia!

campyone, I do hope you know that Riverside CA requires you to get a permit and site approval, not to mention the structure has to meet current fire codes. Please check into that.

Pam, you beat me to it. I was going to question the legality of a trailer being used as living space. There are also cable, utility and septic connections to consider.

So, if the house is her space, does that mean you won't be doing the cleaning and laundry and cooking? If you are going to sell everything you own, why don't you just move into the house with her? Trailers are not usually insulated enough to live in during the winter and will be expensive to heat and cool. As mom's illness progresses, will she need more assistance?

Well, I wish you luck. And make sure you check on the legality of living in a travel trailer in your mother's backyard before you do anything else.

I agree that she needs to feel like she still in control. But at the same time the things she wants or demands fall back on me. My biggest problem at the moment is her drinking, I would say she is a alcoholic, when anyone comes over she feels she needs to have a drink with them, which isn't so bad EXCEPT she doesn't stop at 1-2 she has been getting to the point she doesn't remember what she said or did, she is at risk of falling when she does this, Been very lucky so far she has only slid off bed, but I can't leave the house when she's been drinking for fear of her hurting herself. We had a incident last night where she was bombed and argumentative, finally told her I was taking dog for a walk, she made her way into her room safely but was up having to go the bathroom every 10 minutes at least 15 times.

I sat her down this morning, to talk to her about it, told her I wasn't happy with it and that her other daughter who was here last night said, "I'm going call before I bother to come other again, if she's been drinking I just won't come over..
So I made her aware that she is pushing people away by her behavior. Surprising she acknowledged the problem, and stated she will work on it,heard it before, but maybe if I can get my brother to tell her why he doesn't come over she will do something.
I don't know sometimes I get frustrated, and other times I feel really bad, she hates
getting old she was always VERY independent.

Maybe you could talk to her doctor and ask him/her to tell your mom that she is not allowed to drink with her current medication.