Moving in and caring for a grandparent. Now I feel like I'm losing my sense of self. How do I go about this?

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My 6 year old daughter and I moved in with my grandmother after the passing of my grandfather. I am about to get married; therefore becoming a wife as well as already being a mother. My grandmother does not clean nor decorate like I used to in my own place. Every time I start cleaning something she either watches me like a hawk or says you don't have to do that. I am beginning to feel depressed due to not being able to be the proper mother or wife to be. I can't clean my way, I can't decorate my way, and after 3 years my decorations and belongings are still in boxes. I feel obligated to care for my grandmother. My mother (only child) and grandfather have both passed, and I am all she has. Yet I feel I am losing my sense of self by not doing the things I used to do. My grandmother is also somewhat of a hoarder, and has issues when I get rid of things from time to time. She feels compelled to hang onto things just because my grandfather bought them (Ex. She had a freezer that went bad. The inside of it was starting to melt in some places. I got rid of it and replaced it with a new one. She actually got upset and started stomping through the house like a child on a temper tantrum. I couldn't believe it.) I am looking for advice on how to go about things. Sadly, I have even thought about moving out so that I can be myself again.

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Jeannegibbs is right. There is no easy way to deal with your grandmom even if you had no other obligations - with a young daughter and an impending marriage you need to establish your own home. Grandmom's actions/reactions are understandable; she is old, set in her ways, and frightened. Best to let her stay in her home as long as possible; you can check up on her or bring in paid help as the situation changes. Ultimately, of course, things will change and she will need more care, but that is (hopefully) far down the road at this point. Good luck to you!
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Move out asap! The stress will kill you and your daughter and new marriage will suffer if you don't. Your Gram will not be around for ever but your daughter's future is in your hands. If she grows up in a bad environment, she will suffer in the long run. Concentrate on building your new family and help Gram from outside the home. You have more care options than you think. Good luck.
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Could Gram get by with some in-home help? Can she afford it? Is she eligible for Medicaid? This is not an either/or situation of either she goes to a nursing home or you live with her. There are several options in between!
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Move out. Of course don't abandon grandma ... she doesn't deserve that just because she is a hoarder and messy. But you can oversee her care without living with her. You can love her without being stifled by her.

If your present environment won't pass inspection as a suitable place to raise a child, it is not a suitable place to raise a child. PLEASE remove your daughter from this mess.

Are you expecting your husband to move into this situation? Oh my goodness! Talk about starting marriage on the wrong foot!

If you decide that you have to move out (and I think you do), post again asking for help in how to do that. Plenty of people have been in your shoes and can help with that.
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If you can live on your own and take care of grandma some other way, do it. I assume there are financial reasons for the current situation. But it is worth trying to find an alternative. I lived in my MIL's home for a while and would never have tried to decorate any area other than my own room.

If you pay rent or pay all the house payment, then maybe trying to decorate and clean the whole place your way seems fairer. But still, you may want to work only on your areas and not shared spaces.
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You will lose yourself. I've been dealing w/husband w/dementia for four years. I don't know if I will ever be myself again. This disease is draining the life out of me. I hate to see the sun rise every morning.
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Sadly, as long as you're in grandma's house it's grandma's rules. And beware of being married while caring for grandma because she will come between you and your husband-to-be. Which one is more important to you? There will likely be some kind of subtle war over you and your attention. Your marriage will suffer. There are so many posts on this site about how marriages begin to crack under the strain of fulltime caregiving.

If you want your own life you and your daughter will have to move out of your grandma's place. It's not your house to decorate but I totally relate to your desire to have a place and space of your own. Trying to get your grandma to get rid of things is an uphill battle that you will lose.

Would your grandma be a candidate for Assisted Living? If she can't live by herself this would be the next best thing. You may spend years caring for her and sacrifice everything in the process beginning with yourself.
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The cleanliness is a big issue right now because I am seeking full legal custody of my 6 year old daughter. I have been told by my lawyer that home studies will be performed in both my home and her father's home before going to court. My grandmother doesn't seem to understand all that will be done. I have been trying to do some extreme cleaning and not really worried about how my gram feels about it. At this point my daughter is my main concern. Which is why I am seeking advice on what to do. I am to the point that I will move out and get a place of my own if it means being able to keep my daughter.
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