FIL at the moment lives alone. But he is not the cleanliness of people. his house is cleaned once every 2 weeks {bedding is changed then too}either by my sister in law & BIL or myself and my husband each time its worse than the last so we are thinking of getting a cleaner in.
we take turns to do his washing. which isn't much as he doesn't feel he needs to change as he doesn't work hard like his sons do!!
He cant cook a meal even if we write down the easiest of instructions so we have him with us every other day and he goes to SIL & BIL on the others.
Except that no one knew that son and daughter-in-law weren’t paying their mortgage payments. The house was repossessed and along with it her in-law apartment, in which she’d invested her insurance money. She was penniless and they all ended up renting.
Be careful when you start mingling your money with someone you thought you knew well. Check out dad’s financials and don’t leave any strings dangling that make it look like you took dad’s money to enrich yourself. Make sure he can afford what he says he can. And look into legal contracts for everything you do.
And their WIVES!!!!
Do you mean either you or BIL and wife will move to buy a house with an "annex" for FIL? Do you mean an in-law apartment?
Why is FIL with either you or BIL every day? Does he sleep in his own place alone every night? Does he need fulltime supervision?
What is FIL's financial situation? Does someone have POA/HCPOA?
Has more help in a facility (AL?) been discussed? It seems like the plan is to have the family provide the caregiving as FIL needs more help. Are you okay with that?
And then again, maybe it won't get exhausting and financially and emotiionally draining but no one can ever know. Please make sure he has all his legal ducks in a row: one of you is his DPoA, he has a Living Will that his physician helps him complete; he has plenty of funds to pay for his care, and the other caregivers are on board with increasing involvement and an exit plan to a facility if necessary. Go into this with your eyes wide open. Burn out is a terrible thing. Also please consult with a Medicaid Planner for his state so that this option can be preserved if necessary. Wishing you all the best!
I would also add that you and your immediate family and FIL as well should have a sit down regarding your expectations and his, regarding a reassessment time (say every six months) for family meetings to see if things are still working for all involved, and regarding shared expenses. Then I think a shared expenses contract should be made with an elder law attorney who can advise on ways to make this not income for you, and no "gifting" by him.
I think your intentions are WONDERFUL, but reality will bite, and your FIL will have more needs as time goes on. Have you discussed this with your husband? What plans would you make then?
I wish you the best and I am so happy you are planning and thinking ahead.
He is currently supported by family (how wonderful you can share this!) but with plans for a cleaner. This can be a great addition - can open the way for other home help as it becomes necessary.
You plan to move house.
Are you wanting to move FIL with you (annexe onto your property) when you move to make supporting & caregiving for him easier? Eg Less travel for you to & from his home?
It is good to keep reassessing, keep checking in to ensure the plan is still working for ALL of you. That no-one is feeling over burdened.
It's also good to discuss the longer term plans. For when care needs increase eg when more supervision is needed or showering assist is required.
Whether the aim is for FIL to stay in his own space *as long as possible*, how much family will do, will family take him into their home fulltime? Funds & availability for more in-home services? Or if Assisted Living, Memory Care are options.