I moved to the US from Eastern Europe, got married, and recently found a rewarding, decently paying job. Also, a few years ago it became obvious that my mother needs care (she's 62). Living back where she's from makes her unhappy, but here she doesn't speak the language and has a hard time bonding with people, because her interests are often different from those of others to the point where no conversation is possible.
Every time she comes, in about a month or so we start fighting. She pushes all the buttons even though I told myself I won't let her shake me like that. She accuses me of not loving her, not caring for her interests and needs, distancing myself, and not giving a damn about the memory of my deceased relatives. Although she lives with me and my husband in a nice apartment for free, and only pays for food (mine and hers) because she insisted on it, she feels like I don't care about her. I can't leave the house without explaining where I'm going, I can't talk about my interests because she turns judgmental and demeaning, she depends on me to make financial decisions, to buy things, to accompany her on all her appointments and errands because she doesn't speak English. She accuses me of not being "happy enough" to do her English homework with her. She accuses me of wanting to get rid of her, and that she feels like she annoys me.
I feel like I'm losing a battle that I can't win in principle. I don't mean to keep her out of my life, but I can't open to her either, because she's so fearful and accusing. I stopped seeing friends and going out, because I feel like I'm leaving her being every time, bored and alone. I force myself to listen to what interests her, although it can be emotionally devastating because she often resorts to retelling me the world news and how many people die around the world, and why. I try talking about other things, but it frequently ends in monologues, when she just looks back at me, then starts arguing.
I feel awful about myself. I'm 25 and I can't think about death and dying all the time. I also can't take her with me everywhere and not have any personal time. I feel bad about having a hard time maintaining conversation with her, but our interests are very different, and I'm having difficulty engaging in what she cares about (history). She attacks me for it, and I withdraw even further away.
I used to love and care for her deeply, but now I don't have these feelings anymore. I feel fear and irritation, and I hate myself for having these feelings, especially when she threatens to leave and die alone.
I'm exhausted. I can't imagine what would happen in the future, when we both get older. I don't want kids because of the explosive fights we have. I feel like I'm not good enough to her, but I'm tired of being a therapist that can only agree, and never give advice. We have different views on life and she's far more religious than me (also a point of accusations).
I don't know how to help her beyond what I've been doing. She told me she doesn't trust me, thinks I'm selfish and vain, and conspire with my husband to get rid of her.
Although I'm going through the process of getting her a permanent resident card, in reality I just want her to leave. Is bringing her to live with me a big mistake? Will I be responsible for her troubles forever? I can't take the passive aggressive treatment anymore.
Thanks for reading this...