So when my mom had a heart attack back in December she was not in any condition to live on her own. 33% of her heart is left functioning. She takes care of my 68 year-old brother who has mental and physical challenges. When my mother came out of the hospital she couldn’t hardly stand up. I am the youngest of 10 children. We had a family meeting when mom got back into her home after her hospital stay. We knew she needed full-time care. She probably needed this years ago she’s 93 takes care of my brother and was running a household. It was all too much for her and stressed her heart too much. During the family meeting I mentioned that I would help mom but would have to quit my job to do it and that I couldn’t afford to go without my income. My brother went and talked to my mother and she agreed that she would compensate my loss of income (she has the money) so that she could stay in her home and be cared for by her daughter. I’ve made all those changes needed to move into her bonus room and put all my stuff in storage and my husband is on board with it as we’ve been caring for her on the weekends for years and we all thought this is best for mom. Here is the problem- once I moved in she refuses to compensate my income. My brother reminded her of the agreement and she once again agreed. But then changed her mind again. Wants to save her money for her old age! I took four weeks of family care leave that my work provided with pay and now I’m on FMLA. My mom is paying me half of what she agreed to pay me and is very unappreciative of all that we’ve done for her and doesn’t understand the scope of the move for us and the challenges trying to downsize in such a short time trying to get a house on the market and do a remodel. I also was diagnosed with cancer and have had two surgeries on my leg in the meantime and now I have to face radiation treatments. All she sees is herself and how her life is changed. I’m getting fed up with all her unappreciative remarks decided it might be best for me to just go back to work and back into my house as much as a huge undertaking that is to do. I feel kind of guilty doing it as I know that she can’t really make her own meals as they were eating fast food and frozen TV dinners before. And shopping at the store is too much for her as she doesn’t have the energy. She gets confused on things but doesn’t think she has any signs of dementia. I feel at this point since she has the money she can just hire someone to come in for a few days a week. Any suggestions out there?
No doubt she is scared. I think that is what happens when someone has a heart attack, they were just shown that they are not immortal. Your mom is obviously a pretty amazing woman, she raised 10 kids and 1 she is still caring for. Tough stock that one.
You have to be in a position that you can be a loving, concerned, helpful daughter. Most parents shred their kids as caregivers. Read agingcare and you will see how common it is. Moving out and taking care of you is your main concern so you will be around to help your brother.
If all 9 of you siblings pitch in you can get through this pretty easy, 9+ spouses and grown children, pretty good team in place to ensure that mom is getting her needs met. Even if it is helping find aids, every bit helps. Right now she can't handle you in the house 24/7, for whatever reason, maybe, she needs space to come to terms with her mortality, maybe she has been so strong that she doesn't know how to be needy and your presence is a constant irritant. I doubt it is you personally, she would be struggling with whomever was there.
Move out, get back on your feet and be the daughter that loves and keeps an eye on her. She may learn to accept help and then again she may not. My dad had a couple of heart attacks at 69 and he changed so much, it was and is freaky to be honest, he turned into a needy little boy (or maybe he always was and just hid it better) that was bound and determined to be the boss. Screwy for sure.
Things will settle down for you when this isn't so raw and you will be able to accept her decisions and choices for her life. Take care of you and stay strong, she will need all of you before this is over.
Hugs!
I have prayed to God to help me see her through his eyes and to help me make wise decisions.
Your mother has the money to pay for her own care. If she lets you, you can set up things like weekly home delivery of groceries for her using *her* credit card, and electronic bill pay using *her* checking account.
You've been more than kind to your mother and, sadly, she's not been kind in return. Going back on such a huge promise as income is a red flag that perhaps indicates that you are not the right person to "work" for your mother.
Does anyone have durable power of attorney?
Thank you for your question. Sometimes (often) another posters question helps me take another look at my own situation.
My husband had a heart attack in Jan. The meds he was prescribed affected his mood. They were adjusted and he now feels better. He is also doing cardiac rehab. The angina is under control. He’s lost weight. He has a demanding job and he is really questioning his decision to continue it. He’s concerned about flying and traveling to higher altitudes which is necessary. I see him struggle with the decisions for his (our) future. So I reflect on all this as I read your post.
I can’t imagine if he then got
a scan of his lungs showing spots!
So I do have sympathy for your mom’s condition.
BUT a looming issue is in play here and that’s her mental capacity.
To me the key thing you said was it was NEW for her to NOT “honor her word”.
Take a look at the Mayo website for vascular dementia symptoms etc. Also consider that she could be suffering from the after affects of anesthesia which sometimes clears and often doesn’t in elders. I’m not qualified to diagnose your mom. I’m just comparing her to family members I have that had or have vascular dementia. Currently an aunt (92).
So your mom is 93. High functioning yes but all the bits and parts of her are 93, not just her heart and lungs.
I wondered if the confusion you mentioned started before her heart attack or after?
So the question was what should YOU do. You have little choice. You have to care for yourself and your husband. You have your own medical issues that sound significant.
You can’t count on your mom being deemed incompetent at this point although you could talk to her doctor about your concerns and see if there is support from that quarter on deeming her incapacitated.
You can count on more problems. Having even a loving daughter in her home is probably causing her more confusion as well.
It’s a Catch 22.
Vascular dementia can (but doesn’t always) move very slowly and she won’t appear as anything but difficult to most people. Those being the people who aren’t taking care of her or depending on her for income. And think about that NewGirl. A mom with heart issues, dementia and possibly lung cancer in control of your finances, your day to day life and your sanity.
No doubt your mother and brother need help. That’s always the rub. You see the need and are willing to step up. But she has made it impossible for you to do so.
And that may be the good news for you and your husband.
It can be a full time job to MANAGE someone’s care without actually providing hands on caretaking. With your needing to regain your health and work I think it’s a good plan to move out and find part time help until you are forced to take more action.
If you should decide to move back or stay, make sure you get a legal care contract.
Keep in touch with us, we truly do learn from one another.
take a copy of the contract and sue her
I have no sympathy for your mom.
I don't think the OP or her siblings feel quite the same.
I don't know what to say to you about your mother's scan. Fighting tooth and nail to carry on regardless, hm? Wow! - but, for heaven's sake.
Stamp and shout and make that extra help hurry up.
That said, you all had an agreement and now she isn't willing to honor it and on top of that she is degrading you by saying you are sponging off her.
Time to move out with the understanding that you will not be handling anything. She needs to hire someone to handle her and her sons needs. Period, end of discussion.
You need to work for your retirement and you need down time to recover from your medical issues.
It really is simple. You gave it your best shot, it didn't work and now everything changes.
Tough love is in order. Get all 10 siblings in the same room, 2 hours isn't the end of the world and tell them you are leaving as of, insert date, this is what you think mom needs, geriatric care manager, and you will not be spending every weekend free of charge propping up this situation. If she wants you to continue from your home, she pays you in advance, no payment, no services, get it in writing and enforce it. No, oh just this once, no ticky, no laundry!
I would notify her doctor, heart attacks cause depression, she may need counseling and/or medication to get over the hump.
Sole caregiver to a 68 year old male with multiple disabilities.
She has a housekeeper once a fortnight and someone to do the garden.
Does her cardiologist know about this???
Um. Has anyone sat your mother down and told her that if she is trying to die she is going the right way about it?
The other thing to look out for, related to her heart condition, is her brain function. The confusion and tiredness could be TIAs or could be established vascular dementia. A brain scan would be a very good idea.
She definitely needs more hands to the pumps, and they definitely can't be your hands. If she wants to stay with your brother in her home, she is going to have to accept that hired help you mention; and not as a casual thing, as a properly structured support schedule. Have you looked at any local services? Your Area Agency on Aging/Elder Services/whatever it's called where you live might have very helpful information on what's available.
Yes you should go home, it's just that you'll feel better about it and your mother and brother will be more secure if everyone knows the plan. Having people in the same room and on the premises makes it harder for your mother to muddy the waters by telling different things to different people.
That 33% figure - is that her ejection fraction? If so, although not good - ! - it's possibly not as horrendous as you feared. Normal would be 65% ish.
Does your helpful brother who supported you about the agreement have power of attorney for your mother? - him or anyone else?
The way to look at it is: the family tried one plan, it (definitely!) hasn't worked, what's the next plan. Nobody should feel guilty or be made to feel guilty; but your mother still needs support and even more your dependent brother's future needs have to be looked at.
If your large family starts making excuses or dragging their feet about this, give them a deadline and make it soon. You need to get home and take care of yourself.
By the way. I know it hurts, but your mother isn't herself and a lot of her attitudes come from sickness, stress and exhaustion, and are not anything to do with you. Once you're safely out of this situation it'll be easier to be sympathetic with her.