In the past 14 months we moved my MIL from her home into Independent Living. It became apparent quickly that she was suffering from some pretty profound dementia. Her health is otherwise quite good for an 86-year-old. We live 7 hours away. My husband got her moved into AL about 3 weeks ago. Her anxiety changes with each passing minute. Her good friend will call or visit her. She will be freaking out. Saying she's "scared" but can't explain what she is scared of. Friend will then call my husband. He'll call his mom and then have to call the nurse to get someone to check on her. An aide will go to her room and she'll be ok. She doesn't seem to be able to figure out what or where her "call button" is. We've offered to move her here and she's always refused. Other family members have taken on no responsibility for her care so we can't rely on them. I'm wondering what we can do. My husband calls her nearly every day. She doesn't remember ever talking or even seeing him. Should we tell her friend to limit how often she visits or calls her? Should the friend let the nursing staff know she's agitated instead of immediately calling my husband? We both work and there is no way we can drop everything and go see her every time she wants us to. I used to work in a SNF and I know how much we communicated with families of patients, but I'm very new to this AL set-up. We haven't been on a vacation in over 3 years because all our free time has been spent dealing with her issues. My husband has her POA and between the phone calls and trying to address all her legal/financial issues he's ready to snap. I'll welcome any/all suggestions. Thanks for allowing me to rant.
Your MIL sounds a lot like my cousin when I had to move her from regular Assisted Living to Secure Memory Care Unit. She would say she was scared, but didn't know why. Cymbalta really helped with that. I would have her evaluated for medication. The fear and anxiety can be horrible. Medication can bring about much peace to the dementia patient. I highly encourage you to explore that on her behalf.
When they are at the level you describe, she will eventually need assistance with all areas of her daily care. With dementia, she won't remember why she needs to ring a bell for help. She won't even know what a bell is at some point, so all the things that make sense for us, won't mean anything to her, due to the progression of the disease.
Memory Care provides all the care for those who are not able to do things for themselves, but if she needs skilled nursing care, you might look at nursing homes. States vary on how the facilities are categorized. In my state, those with severe dementia can reside in Memory Care facilities until their death, regardless of their age or mobility level. They do not need to go to a nursing home, unless their family chooses to provide them with skilled nursing care.
I would move your MIL to a place that is convenient for you and your husband. I would take care that it is somewhere she can stay for the rest of her life. From my experience, my loved one adjusted very well to Memory Care. She seemed to feel much more comfortable around others who also have dementia.
We moved her to a nh 10 minutes from my POA brother. More travel for us, but in the long run, better for mom when she lands in the hospital.
She wouldn't qualify for AL, in the one that my 92 yo MIL is at. It sounds like she needs more care.
She wouldn't qualify for AL, in the one that my 92 yo MIL is at. It sounds like she needs more care.
The thing I learned with my mom (who has no short-term memory) is one minute there's a problem and two minutes later, she's forgotten all about it. If you were around your MIL more, you'd probably see those changes, and learn not to jump the minute there's a perceived problem that she is expressing, like being scared.
My mom lives less than 2 miles from me and I couldn't handle it when she and my dad lived 3 hours away - there was no one in that retirement place I trusted to really look in on my folks with a skilled eye. So I'm happy to have mom so close so I can monitor how she's doing and learn to distinguish between the real and perceived issues she's having. I can adjust my reactions accordingly.
Let her friend know what is going on and to try to stop the visits/phone calls for awhile.
Since Mom-in-law has profound dementia, as you have found out she won't remember if she saw you and hubby or heard from you via phone, so limit the visits/phone calls to once a week after she had finally settled in to get a feel about how she will react and follow her lead, if in reason.
It is so much better for Mom-in-law who has serious memory issues to live where she has 3 full shifts of care from employees who are trained. If she moved in with you, both you and hubby would have needed to quit your jobs, plus hire paid Caregivers so you both could get some sleep. Mom-in-law was smart in saying *no* to your request.
Adjusting to new places isn't easy for dementia residents. So the being afraid is par for the course. Is the memory care facility dedicated to memory care is is it a small part of a larger facility where they 'put memory care clients'? A true memory care facility won't even have call buttons, the residents have no clue what to do with them! I know I don't have a vote, but I'd move her closer to me and to a dedicated memory care place. This isn't easy for anyone and in all honesty, a memory care patient doesn't get a vote. You have to do what is best for all involved.