Finally moved Mom into an ALF, but now she's constantly complaining. What else can I do?

Yes, I agree w/ Eyrishlass and Windytown....not visiting for two weeks is a harsh recommendation. It may help the AL staff have more control, but I think it would leave the parent feeling totally abandoned and more confused!! Also, I agree w/ Geo very much. Some people are just shy and less confident about stepping out amongst strangers, and fitting in or feeling comfortable. I had my Mom at first in an Independent Living facility. She had a beautiful apt. and was supposed to go to the dining room three times a day (although her apt had a kitchen as well). I didn't realize at the time, but my Mom's memory problems made her afraid and unconfident to interact w/ the other residents. She could never remember their names, and was not received that well by the others. It was a funny thing I noticed: the residents had little groups that they'd formed (people they always dined with, etc) and were not all inclusive of new people. It almost seemed like junior high...where kids formed cliques and excluded others. If one is shy and not confident, they would certainly be alone. My Mom spent most of her time alone in her apt. waiting for me to come and do things with her. I finally moved her in with me, as she was very lonely and wanted to be around family. I hope your Mom adjusts to AL, but I certainly don't go along with some advice that you don't visit her as much. (And it sounds like you would not do such a thing, as you are going daily to visit her.) That was rather a hassle for me, too, I found. Running over there all the time! It became easier to have her live with us.

Sorry for all the typos I'm on my iPad and I can never type right on this thing. On another note I also visited a lot in the beginning, I don't believe it's right to not visit our parents need all the help they can get when they are experiencing something so new and different. I don't think it would have made any difference in how she felt if I didn't visit her in the beginning, this is a huge new step for them and its comforting for them to know their kids didn't just dump them off. Visit and visit often eventually you will be able to cut it back but in the beginning for us atleast we felt it important to be by her side as she adjusts

I had an opposite experience, my father loves assisted living. He wasn't sure that he would but after a couple of respite weeks he liked it. He loves having someone do all the cooking and cleaning, and enjoys the doting from the staff as well as the companionship of other residents. He especially loves to help the little ladies who need a litte more assistance than him. Also, there are several residents who have taken it upon themselves to help other residents at the dining table. One lady takes drinks and refills, passes out napkins and desserts (this would not be possible with a walker). Even those residents who can't get around as well keep a keen eye on the welfare of their fellow residents, and can be helpful in alerting staff to resident issues or illness. They have found a purpose, as my father has. There have been a few issues come up. Whereas he used to love the food, now he complains sometimes, and sometimes he is not interested in the activities, but they can't please everyone, and occassionally there are disputes between residents but all in all he is not interested in going back home where it is only one on one with my sister or I. He has his cell and can call anytime and we visit at least once or twice a week. We are also really involved with the family holiday parties, dinners, and celebrations. Perhaps if you talk to the staff about diverting her attention to activities that make her feel useful and have a purpose, she will come to feel less isolated and unhappy.

My moms been at an alf for almost two on this now and the place is absolutely gorgeous. It was really the nicest one I found and it really looks and smells like a resort. After getting so many late night calls and all those complaints over and over where I thought I would surely have a breakdown I tried a different tactic, since my mom never toured any of the Ali's I figured I would try taking her to a not so nice place just to see what the alternatives were. The place was a complete dump and I wanted to cry for everyone in there when we left. After seeing that place and seeing where she could have ended up my on did a 360 degree turn around and decided the place she was in is really beautiful and she doesn't ever want t o end up in a crappy place like that so she decided on her own to make the best if it and start where she is. It might sound a little cruel the way I took her on a tour but sometimes you have to have a little bit of tough love. I too was on the verge of a breakdown because she was so miserable I think it's all part of the adjusting process. Give it a little time it will get easier.

we were told when we moved my mom into a facility that it can take at least a month for our loved ones to get used to the new surroundings. Talk to the social worker at the facility and let them know of your concerns for your mom. They may have someone who could be a "buddy" to her until she feels secure and used to the new place. It may take some of the pressure off of you as well.

Agree with Eyerishlass. My mom's been in two ALFs and neither one suggested not visiting for two weeks. My mom is a big-time complainer, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with it. You are the "safe" one to complain to in unfamiliar surroundings. It's just going to take time to adjust. Mom's current ALF said give it six weeks. And she did adjust but she still complains about almost everything. It's just her natural state as she has always been on the negative side of things.

I've changed the way of how I deal with the complaining. If it is something serious, say her pager's not working, I will work to solve the situation. If it's about the food, I just tell her I'm sorry about that and move on. If there's nothing that can be done in a practical sense I let it go in one ear and out the other. It's taken me years to learn this, but I suspect you too will learn in time. It's not exactly easy, but it's easier, if that makes sense.

Hang in there. It will get better with time.

My Mom is also kind of shy and didn't want to go to a home. She ended up living with me, so that's no solution to your issue. But what I want to say is that I actually have been able to get her to do some activities with other people that she previously didn't want to do. Because she's an introvert, it's hard to meet people.

Strangely, everywhere we go, people act like it's a natural thing to want to be with a bunch of strangers and becoming good friends and such. That's natural for the extroverts, possibly, but not for the entire populace.

So, here's what I said to my Mom about some of this, because she really felt to self-conscious about trying some of these things:
Mom, pick things you like. Don't worry about meeting people. You'll end up talking about whatever you're meeting about and that will be fun to share thoughts on your interests. But it's not about making friends. If you make a friend out of it, great, but don't listen to all these people who make it sound like you have to go create some kind of posse. Just enjoy yourself, talk about your interests, and don't worry about the rest.

Now, as I said, it's a little easier because she feels safe and supported living with me, and her memory isn't great so I have to give her this little pep talk with some regularity, but it's worked with her. Maybe it would work with your Mom. Is there any program around, knitting, painting, anything she likes or always wanted to try?

By the way, this is the same pep-talk I give the main introvert in my life, which is me. :-)

I've heard rumors that ALF's suggest you don't visit for 2 weeks and if they're true it's a bunch of crap. I think that would be cruel to just drop someone off and not come back for 2 weeks and I would never support something like that. I don't know where this little nugget of advice came from but I don't believe in it one little bit.

The complaints of wanting to go home is natural, as imagine yourself going to a very unfamiliar place and not being able to leave. Home is all that they know, it is their safety and comfort zone. Maybe distance yourself for a week or so and maybe she will find it easier to settle in. This would also give you a chance to regroup, you can call the nurses regularly and check on her if you like. They will give you an up to date report on her. I have seen this a lot when family would visit it would take an hour or more to settle them back in. Have yourself a break and she will be fine as she gets to know a few people. Take care of you for now and good luck.

Is there a doctor on site that your mom can see for her various medical ailments? My mother actually enjoyed the fact that her doctor was so close by and could be reached easily; she no longer had to rely on one of us taking her to the doctor. AL/IL facilities (most of them, anyway) have staff to help clients "settle in". Find out who is in charge of this, talk to them and follow their advice.

That's what I'm afraid of. Putting my complaining, morose Mother anywhere else. I've looked several places and one has a policy that you leave them there for 90 days to give it a real chance. They said they will most always complain about it for the first weeks. I would agree that visiting too much isn't good. I have a friend who visits his mother every day and she still complains after two years. She'd have to get used to it if you weren't there all the time, or often. Some people like to have that little bit of independence. My MIL lives get AL and she lives over a thousand miles away from us, so she never sees us, except one a year. She's happy and says it's the best thing that could ever have happened to her. She also complained and put the guilt trip on my husband at first, but since we weren't even in the vicinity, she stopped very quickly and was forced into getting acclamated. I do also know that AL' s well not put up with too much in the bad behavior department. Ugh. What to do?

Dear SuziQ, first of all I know how tiring and wearing on you it is to be the brunt of her constant complaints. I heard that too when my father first moved into Independent living from his home. I think parents feel like they can get by with more complaining to us and it's also a manipulation tactic. I know it's normal and natural to be sure your parent is happy but until we take that burden off ourself and realize it is up to them, we will never feel we can do enough. It is her job to make her life happy not yours. You have done your best for her and she is in the right place. You might ask the facility to have their social worker meet with her and determine if part of this is anxiety. She may need meds. The adjustment can be difficult at this age. I finally had to tell my dad that I can no longer listen to constant complaining so unless he could call me with positive things, not to call. You just don't need that constant barrage of negativity. Tell her to call your brother when she feels like complaining!! That might get him to do something. Here's the other thing, although you do live near her try to pretend you don't, just pretend you live 2 hrs away like your brother. Make yourself stay away for a while. You are going to have to set boundaries. As far as her pain, perhaps she needs a scooter chair so she can be more mobile and get out more I hope you and she find peace soon. I really feel for you and know what it's like.

Most alf's recommend not visiting for 2 weeks or so to allow the elder to adjust. Talk to the staff about her adjustment issues and then step back.

mean there not their..sorry not getting much sleep both parents going to be 89.

Hi, My Mother broke her hip and had to go to AL in June of 2013 for one month. After hospital and re-hab. All she did was complain, and complain. The place was great, the food was New York style, activities were the best, care was terrific, she had physical threaphy. Staff said that she was happy when we were not their but got mean when we came. Seems like our parents or some of them just become mal-contents. When she lived with my husband and me for 6 monthes after re-hab from having spetis she complained every day that she was with us. We waited on her hand and foot. She complained every minute of every day. Not happy with anything. My father no better so just feel like throwing in the towel. Sorry for your pain.