Finally moved Mom into an ALF, but now she's constantly complaining. What else can I do?

I think thats ridiculous to bring your mother to a new home, new surroundings, new people and not visit for 2 weeks. How would we like it, and we arent even demented or old. It rips my heart out reading these postings. I agree with harp, I have my Mom with me where she feels safe and is happy despite her severe dementia. We will all be old some day and no one wants to leave their home, can you blame them. I say get at-home help for your parent if you cannot do it all, thats what I do , no one can do it all.

ps I am so sorry you broke down suzy, you should have help and if you have to place her, its not your fault, but for goodness sakes, please dont stop visiting her, regardless. Best of luck to you.

Msdaisy, being in an ALF will never compare to living with family.I have been to many ALF's and none were anywhere near being a resort. Residents were just a room and bed number. I can live with the fact that I promised Dad he'd never be put into a home and I kept my word.

Charles, Do you have school age children at home? That really sealed the deal for me. My son is my priority. He was 14 when my walker dependent mom moved in.

All of our bedrooms are on the second floor and there is only a half bath on the first level. My little office next to our living room became mom's bedroom. Do you know what it's like to not be able to use your main living space by 9:30 at night with a teenager? No family time, no friends over even on weekends? Not too mention my mom complained bitterly about whatever we watched on TV before that time and was miserable and always picking fights.

I OWE my son the right to have a relatively normal life before he's out of school. To be able to have friends over, to see US enjoying the company of friends.

My mom is not just a room and bed number at her ALF. She has some great caregivers that I've gotten to know personally. They are now friends to mom. You must've looked at some pretty bad places.

Oops! Post got cut off for some reason.

What I'm saying and I think what MsDaisy is saying, is that not everyone's situation is the same, or the same as yours anyway. I find your words not helpful to people that are in the process of making this difficult decision.

You are correct in your statement that "Being in an ALF will never compare to living with family." That's right. This family gets to live THEIR lives now without her uber-control over our every waking moment, and sleep time too. The staff gets to deal with her desire to get up at 4:00 a.m. every day of her life. And they get to go home after their shift and come back rested.

Good on you for keeping your word. Sometimes that's all they are though, are words. I respect the past and my mother, but my son is the future and he deserves a peaceful home.

Your son has many years to enjoy ahead of him, my father had very few.

Well Charles maybe you didn't look at enough of them. There are many that are absolutely beautiful places. After taking my Mom to the crappy one to see the alternatives ( yes there are quite a few dreary depressing ones as well ) she finally agreed the place she is in is beautiful. I feel very blessed that for now she can afford to be there. It is like a resort and if you walked in and didn't see any people there you would think it was one. Not all ALF's are dreary and depressing. I for one would move into this one in a heartbeat if I could.

ps on another note you are right, it will never compare to living with family however, for some of us our parents would not be happy being confined to one bedroom and sharing our living space. My Mom for one would be miserable and bored living with me, this I know for a fact. At least now she can retain some of her independence by going out on the bus daily to her favorite stores, chattign with people her own age, socializing, and if she doesn't feel like any of that she can go back to her apt and watch tv or sleep. The point is she now has some choices and some control over how she spends her days. That is such an important part in allowing them to have dignity and independence and not be totally reliant on others for every single little thing. I have actually seen improvements in my moms memory since she moved. She seems a bit happier. Granted it was horrible in the beginning, this has trully been the three months from hell between hospitalizations, rehab and then the move to the alf, but we are finally after almost two months seeing some light at the end of the tunnel and it feels fabulous. Its so nice to go there and see her sitting outside with her friends and their dogs talking and planning what they are going to do the next day. Its a complete turn around from my Mom who would sleep twenty hours a day, now when she complains shes so tired, there is a reason for it. She doesn't sleep in bed as much. She is out doing things and talking to people and these are all things that will continue to keep her brain engaged and exercised.

Charles, You didn't answer my question as to whether you have school age children at home while at the same time taking care of your father. Maybe you don't have any children. I do not know, so I can't compare my experience to yours.

My son is in his developmental and sometimes challenging teenage years where he deserves my focus. I'm not going to neglect him to focus on my mother, let alone expose him to daily screaming matches which could very well harm him mentally and emotionally. This is HIS time to plan for the future and for me to guide him along the way. Do you have any idea the time it takes to research colleges, all the different testing they need to complete and jumping through hoops for scholarship applications, etc. It's like a full-time job in itself. My job as a parent is to see to HIS needs first. That is my responsibility from the day he was born until he leaves the nest and he deserves a calm and loving living environment until that day.

My mother had many, many years of a very good life. I continue to see that she is very well cared for in her ALF, visit her every other day and we take her on outings every week. She still lives a quality life.

Thank you for inspiring me to type these words. I'm even more resolute in not feeling any guilt that I do not deserve.

you know on another note, I know I keep rambling here. Just a thought. In the past when my Mom lived at home, if I called and she didn't answer the phone I would go into sheer panic mode. Heart palpitations, sweating, nervous like you wouldn't believe.I would have all of these terrible visions of her on the floor all alone and not able to get to a phone. Now when she doesn't answer the phone (which is quite often I might add) I actually smile because I know she is out doing something fun. That to me is priceless and worth every sinle penny. The phone when she lived at home was a huge issue, I would go there at all hours if she didnt answer, thank God she was fine all of the times but it was still extremelly scary and it was giving me panic attacks.

It is hard to wait and see but that is what you need to do. Give her time to know you won't be there just so she can complain. Regardless that some people feel it's best to keep a parent I. The home they do NOT know YOUR situation or have your life. So listen to what your gut tells you and do not let guilt or manipulation get in the way of how to react. Everyone has their own walk and journey on this path and guilt provoking and high and mighty statements by other caregivers on this forum do not answer your questions. You two can make an appointment to talk to the social worker there. God bless you and take care.

I have been going to see her every other day. Today she didn't complain, but she seemed mad. I can tell by the way she holds her mouth. I talk, but she doesn't respond much. Now she wants to give away her stuff. I can't figure out why. When I left she said it was nice I visited her. I do still need to talk to someone about her getting out of her room more. It's going on the second week and she isn't happy yet. Her family live to their 100's. I can't care for her for 10 more years. I would be too old to do anything myself. I think it's better she gets use to it now instead of later.

SuziQ, It's only the second week! That's no time at all to make an adjustment - NONE at all. Cut yourself some slack and I mean that.

Think back in your own life when you were in an all new situation - starting high school, a new job, getting used to being a young married person, a new home - anything new and different, you get the drift.

If you're like me, by week two: I didn't have my HS schedule down pat, I didn't know everything about a new job, marriage is a forever learning experience and it takes quite awhile to learn about the ins and outs of a new home.

Most of those things we did at a fairly young age when we were more adaptable. Our elders, for the most part, aren't as capable of adapting. It will take time. Even then she might not be happy, or at least keep up that front for you.

All the girls love my mom and confide in me how cheerful and fun she is. I've come to realize and accept that I'm her "safe place" to complain. I'm also the vault for all her memories of younger day with my dad.

This has been a long process for all involved. It didn't help that she moved to a new ALF last September (her choice, smoking regs.). Readjustment all over again, and it took a good two months to figure things out and my mom has only mild dementia.

I hear you about watching your own life pass by while taking care of a parent. I'm in the process now of working my way through of what I need to do to get some vacation time from ALF visits. My mom's ALF started a caregiver support group in October that meets monthly. It's been a great experience, like AC but in real life. :) Check and see if your mom's ALF has one, or if someone there in management would be helpful in starting one. There are some many people in this situation. We all need help and some kind words and suggestions.

Blessings to you from another Suzi.

Your so right windytown. I remember high school, new jobs, scary. So I will be a more caring and understanding daughter. I'll look into that support group or recommend one.
Blessing to you also.

I so echo what windytown said! The adjustment period is easily 3 months. My dad complained and complained and once he got used to community living, the routines, made acquaintances it was better. The staff made sure to invite him to events. We actually hired a social worker to visit my dad weekly but that was because of his acute depression and anxiety. He moved into a facility in his home town where none of us lived or could visit. That was his choice, he didn't want to live in another city. Finally he realized he made a mistake and six months later moved to a new facility near me. Then we had the adjustment period all over again. And yes complaints, but he's doing much better and we are at the 3 month mark. Please let us know how it is when three months have passed. Check back in with an update. Blessings to you both