Finally moved Mom into an ALF, but now she's constantly complaining. What else can I do?

I so echo what windytown said! The adjustment period is easily 3 months. My dad complained and complained and once he got used to community living, the routines, made acquaintances it was better. The staff made sure to invite him to events. We actually hired a social worker to visit my dad weekly but that was because of his acute depression and anxiety. He moved into a facility in his home town where none of us lived or could visit. That was his choice, he didn't want to live in another city. Finally he realized he made a mistake and six months later moved to a new facility near me. Then we had the adjustment period all over again. And yes complaints, but he's doing much better and we are at the 3 month mark. Please let us know how it is when three months have passed. Check back in with an update. Blessings to you both

Your so right windytown. I remember high school, new jobs, scary. So I will be a more caring and understanding daughter. I'll look into that support group or recommend one.
Blessing to you also.

SuziQ, It's only the second week! That's no time at all to make an adjustment - NONE at all. Cut yourself some slack and I mean that.

Think back in your own life when you were in an all new situation - starting high school, a new job, getting used to being a young married person, a new home - anything new and different, you get the drift.

If you're like me, by week two: I didn't have my HS schedule down pat, I didn't know everything about a new job, marriage is a forever learning experience and it takes quite awhile to learn about the ins and outs of a new home.

Most of those things we did at a fairly young age when we were more adaptable. Our elders, for the most part, aren't as capable of adapting. It will take time. Even then she might not be happy, or at least keep up that front for you.

All the girls love my mom and confide in me how cheerful and fun she is. I've come to realize and accept that I'm her "safe place" to complain. I'm also the vault for all her memories of younger day with my dad.

This has been a long process for all involved. It didn't help that she moved to a new ALF last September (her choice, smoking regs.). Readjustment all over again, and it took a good two months to figure things out and my mom has only mild dementia.

I hear you about watching your own life pass by while taking care of a parent. I'm in the process now of working my way through of what I need to do to get some vacation time from ALF visits. My mom's ALF started a caregiver support group in October that meets monthly. It's been a great experience, like AC but in real life. :) Check and see if your mom's ALF has one, or if someone there in management would be helpful in starting one. There are some many people in this situation. We all need help and some kind words and suggestions.

Blessings to you from another Suzi.

I have been going to see her every other day. Today she didn't complain, but she seemed mad. I can tell by the way she holds her mouth. I talk, but she doesn't respond much. Now she wants to give away her stuff. I can't figure out why. When I left she said it was nice I visited her. I do still need to talk to someone about her getting out of her room more. It's going on the second week and she isn't happy yet. Her family live to their 100's. I can't care for her for 10 more years. I would be too old to do anything myself. I think it's better she gets use to it now instead of later.

It is hard to wait and see but that is what you need to do. Give her time to know you won't be there just so she can complain. Regardless that some people feel it's best to keep a parent I. The home they do NOT know YOUR situation or have your life. So listen to what your gut tells you and do not let guilt or manipulation get in the way of how to react. Everyone has their own walk and journey on this path and guilt provoking and high and mighty statements by other caregivers on this forum do not answer your questions. You two can make an appointment to talk to the social worker there. God bless you and take care.

you know on another note, I know I keep rambling here. Just a thought. In the past when my Mom lived at home, if I called and she didn't answer the phone I would go into sheer panic mode. Heart palpitations, sweating, nervous like you wouldn't believe.I would have all of these terrible visions of her on the floor all alone and not able to get to a phone. Now when she doesn't answer the phone (which is quite often I might add) I actually smile because I know she is out doing something fun. That to me is priceless and worth every sinle penny. The phone when she lived at home was a huge issue, I would go there at all hours if she didnt answer, thank God she was fine all of the times but it was still extremelly scary and it was giving me panic attacks.

Charles, You didn't answer my question as to whether you have school age children at home while at the same time taking care of your father. Maybe you don't have any children. I do not know, so I can't compare my experience to yours.

My son is in his developmental and sometimes challenging teenage years where he deserves my focus. I'm not going to neglect him to focus on my mother, let alone expose him to daily screaming matches which could very well harm him mentally and emotionally. This is HIS time to plan for the future and for me to guide him along the way. Do you have any idea the time it takes to research colleges, all the different testing they need to complete and jumping through hoops for scholarship applications, etc. It's like a full-time job in itself. My job as a parent is to see to HIS needs first. That is my responsibility from the day he was born until he leaves the nest and he deserves a calm and loving living environment until that day.

My mother had many, many years of a very good life. I continue to see that she is very well cared for in her ALF, visit her every other day and we take her on outings every week. She still lives a quality life.

Thank you for inspiring me to type these words. I'm even more resolute in not feeling any guilt that I do not deserve.

ps on another note you are right, it will never compare to living with family however, for some of us our parents would not be happy being confined to one bedroom and sharing our living space. My Mom for one would be miserable and bored living with me, this I know for a fact. At least now she can retain some of her independence by going out on the bus daily to her favorite stores, chattign with people her own age, socializing, and if she doesn't feel like any of that she can go back to her apt and watch tv or sleep. The point is she now has some choices and some control over how she spends her days. That is such an important part in allowing them to have dignity and independence and not be totally reliant on others for every single little thing. I have actually seen improvements in my moms memory since she moved. She seems a bit happier. Granted it was horrible in the beginning, this has trully been the three months from hell between hospitalizations, rehab and then the move to the alf, but we are finally after almost two months seeing some light at the end of the tunnel and it feels fabulous. Its so nice to go there and see her sitting outside with her friends and their dogs talking and planning what they are going to do the next day. Its a complete turn around from my Mom who would sleep twenty hours a day, now when she complains shes so tired, there is a reason for it. She doesn't sleep in bed as much. She is out doing things and talking to people and these are all things that will continue to keep her brain engaged and exercised.

Well Charles maybe you didn't look at enough of them. There are many that are absolutely beautiful places. After taking my Mom to the crappy one to see the alternatives ( yes there are quite a few dreary depressing ones as well ) she finally agreed the place she is in is beautiful. I feel very blessed that for now she can afford to be there. It is like a resort and if you walked in and didn't see any people there you would think it was one. Not all ALF's are dreary and depressing. I for one would move into this one in a heartbeat if I could.

Your son has many years to enjoy ahead of him, my father had very few.

Oops! Post got cut off for some reason.

What I'm saying and I think what MsDaisy is saying, is that not everyone's situation is the same, or the same as yours anyway. I find your words not helpful to people that are in the process of making this difficult decision.

You are correct in your statement that "Being in an ALF will never compare to living with family." That's right. This family gets to live THEIR lives now without her uber-control over our every waking moment, and sleep time too. The staff gets to deal with her desire to get up at 4:00 a.m. every day of her life. And they get to go home after their shift and come back rested.

Good on you for keeping your word. Sometimes that's all they are though, are words. I respect the past and my mother, but my son is the future and he deserves a peaceful home.

Charles, Do you have school age children at home? That really sealed the deal for me. My son is my priority. He was 14 when my walker dependent mom moved in.

All of our bedrooms are on the second floor and there is only a half bath on the first level. My little office next to our living room became mom's bedroom. Do you know what it's like to not be able to use your main living space by 9:30 at night with a teenager? No family time, no friends over even on weekends? Not too mention my mom complained bitterly about whatever we watched on TV before that time and was miserable and always picking fights.

I OWE my son the right to have a relatively normal life before he's out of school. To be able to have friends over, to see US enjoying the company of friends.

My mom is not just a room and bed number at her ALF. She has some great caregivers that I've gotten to know personally. They are now friends to mom. You must've looked at some pretty bad places.

Msdaisy, being in an ALF will never compare to living with family.I have been to many ALF's and none were anywhere near being a resort. Residents were just a room and bed number. I can live with the fact that I promised Dad he'd never be put into a home and I kept my word.

ps I am so sorry you broke down suzy, you should have help and if you have to place her, its not your fault, but for goodness sakes, please dont stop visiting her, regardless. Best of luck to you.

I think thats ridiculous to bring your mother to a new home, new surroundings, new people and not visit for 2 weeks. How would we like it, and we arent even demented or old. It rips my heart out reading these postings. I agree with harp, I have my Mom with me where she feels safe and is happy despite her severe dementia. We will all be old some day and no one wants to leave their home, can you blame them. I say get at-home help for your parent if you cannot do it all, thats what I do , no one can do it all.

My mother has complained about being at assisted living everyday for 2 years. It has been heartwrenching. I tried everything to make her happy, but nothing pleases her. Absolutely nothing. So when I got tired of the guilt and started looking at the facts (which can be hard to do through a veil of tear)... I asked myself...is it the best place for her? yes. Is it clean, safe, meet her needs (nursing assistance, medications, meals, activities? yes. She is not being abused, mistreated or neglected. She just did not want to be there. She wanted to be at home, to complain about everything I'm doing wrong, yell at me and run me in the ground. It's really hard. But love sometimes have to make tough decisions for the best.

It like dropping a toddler off at preschool.... some cry, some say bye, but the mothers are always heartbroken. It take time for everyone to adjust. The elderly can be the same way.. Good Luck.

geo123: That was great information. I saved it so I can look back on it when I need to remember what to say to her.
Harpcat: I will ask the facility to have their social worker meet with her if they have one.
Thank You

Thank you all for your input. Some say visit often, some say don't visit for a while. I do think I need to cut back on my visits to every other day. She does need to acclimate to the room and facility. Her dementia seems to have gotten worse though and that scares me. She is afraid to talk to anyone because she says she can't. I do need to talk to someone their because I don't think she is getting any one on one. She quit eating her favorite candy and cookies, I can't figure out why. It's not the best place, kind of dreary hallways. But that is all she can afford. I have thought maybe she should come back and live with us, but then I talked myself out of it,. My husband and I didn't have any freedom and lost contact of a lot of our friends. Now we have the freedom and in contact again with friends again after 2 yrs. I feel like I'm living again and not just existing. My husband can see the difference in me when he walks in the door from work. So no, I will not take her back in my home. I hope it gets better for her and she will not just give up. Thank you again. And God Bless you all.

Stop visiting. She needs several weeks to adjust and so do you. Give her time to make new friends, and stop listening to her complaining. That is normal and making you feel guilty is probably something she is good at, so keep your calls short, sweet and stay away. Visit only when you feel strong. Trust me. I've been there and done that.

This is how my friend S. handled the constant complaining she was subjected to when visiting the ALF.
S. was not willing to listen to it. Thereafter, when she went to visit, she would walk into the room, look at her watch and say, "You have five minutes to whine and complain. If you continue after five minutes, I'm leaving." As the five minutes ended, she'd look at her watch and say, "Time's up for whining and complaining."
If it persisted, S. got up and left the facility.
It took two or three visits during which S. actually got up and left that it finally registered with the woman that S. would not and did not come to the ALF to listen to her constant complaining.

I hope by now your mom is doing better. Four days is a very short time. Please keep visiting for short visits at least every other day until she is more relaxed, it will help in the long run. She is probably anxious and scared. Ask staff for help, that's why you pay them the big bucks. Ask the activities dept to seek her out. Get her pain managed. She will gradually adjust if you stand your ground and she will have more activities available there than she would at home.

Moving is very traumatic for elderly..and especially if they also have dementia...will make it worse temporarily. It may be 2 months or so but if you just let her complain, but kindly let her know she is in a good place that she needs to be and you are still around, she will prob adjust. ..hugs to you.

To clarify about the "two weeks"; no, we didn't "drop Mom off" and drive away with no contact for two weeks. We set up her apartment with things she loved from home, brought her supplies that we thought she would need--tea, milk, cereal, seltzer, cookies and candies that she likes. We made sure she knew where everything was and made sure that she had a staff contact person she could call upon if there was anything wrong. What we didn't do was stay overnight, cook for her, clean for her and fix things for her. If she called to say that something was wrong (light bulb burned out, toilet clogged) we reminded her that she had "staff" to do those things for her. She learned to call the staff and rely upon them for the fixes. We each came by at least once a week after the settling in period, to take her shopping, for hair appointments and to do other "fun" stuff. But just like summer camp and college, we needed to give her some time to adjust to a different way of life. Hope this helps and clarifies.

My dad belongs to a senior social club he no longer attends. He is bored and refuses to go there now. He used to complain incessantly about everything, but I have taken him to a nursing home and suddenly he is a lot quieter. Hardly a word, unless spoken to. He dreads the thought of having to go into a 'home' , but its still very taxing on me and my sister whom he lives with.
We try, its far from easy.

Charles not all of us have the luxury of having our parent live with us. My Mom is narcissitic and would HATE living with us. I too promised never to put her in a "home." The one thing you have to think about is in their minds, from their generation, they didnt have all of these beautiful resort like Alf's, they had nursing homes. Cold white walls with people in uniforms treating them like "patients." It's not like that anymore. The ALF my mom is in is literally like a resort. I would move there in a heartbeat. Restaurant style dining (with menus), inground swimming pool, happy hours, beauty salon, a bus to take her anywhere and everywhere. The comfort for us children is that our parents are not alone rotting in a house all by themselves waiting for their next visitor. I too struggled with the thought of placing Mom in an ALF but once we made the decision it turned out to be the very best thing we could do for our Mom. She is no longer alone, rotting, waiting for a crumble of a visitor. She gets to eat beautiful HEALTHY meals as opposed to eating microwave crap and if she forgets to go down to eat they remind her. My Mom's health has been fabulous since making the move, she was literally dying at home, never eating right, sleeping almost always, and being alone so much with her "thoughts" was doing far more damage then her living here and actually having people to interact with. I agree it is like going back to high school, there are cliques of people and some of them are like mean girls but my Mom was very lucky to make a really nice friend on day one and that has helped so much with the transition. She still is not thrilled about being here but I think in her mind, even she is a tiny bit releived that she is not home alone and she has every thing she has at home, if she wants to sleep she has a bed, she has a tv, she has a fridge to keep some of her not so healthy foods. The major difference now is SHE HAS CHOICES. If she gets bored or lonely there are things for her to do, places to go, people to talk with. I'm glad you didnt have to make that choice for your parent but don't be so quick to judge the rest of us. We are doing our very best by our parents and unless you've walked in our shoes you really have no business judging.

Raising up a child is not the same as watching a parent go down. You can do everything for a parent and they will continue to attack the child who is doing the most. Not all parents are like this but my 89 year old Mom & Dad with dementia are. My husband and I have saved both thier lives two times each and they come back each time more nasty then before. They say the meaness things to both of us. We are not that young ourselves 59 and husband 64. I am an only child and having my parents do this to us is just too much. Not sure what to do except to back off. So sorry but the devil is making me post this. Am happy for people whoes parents are not like mine.

I have a sister who has been in various group homes for 30 years. Whenever she moves, I stay away for 2 weeks to allow her to refocus on the new surroundings. SuzieQ, your mother will continue to focus on you as long as you keep staying with her, or you visit more than once a week. I used to take my sister home on weekends, and it was a mistake. She stopped participating in group activities and outings, she would call me every day. She would get nasty with staff and other residents. I had to pull back and I did. She now focuses on the staff at her group home. She socializes with housemates. She is much happier now than when I spent too much time with her. So when I move my MIL to AL, I know enough to step back, because only then will she connect to new friends. If you become their entertainment center, you are the only channel they want to watch.

Charles1921 is my father's age when he passed. I am his daughter. It was an hohor to care for him, even though as a child he was very harsh with his words and dicipline but he fought in 2 wars for his country and I loved him very much.

Good for you Charles1921 - you had a loving father or mother. Not always the case on this site.

I could never put my mom or dad in a ALF. That would be like him putting me in an orphanage when I was a child.