Just moved Mom into AL. She is OK but I'm so upset. Why am I feeling this way? - AgingCare.com

Just moved Mom into AL. She is OK but I'm so upset. Why am I feeling this way?

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She is OK but I'm so upset about her having to leave her home! I know it was unsafe for my Mom at home alone, but I am totally unglued that she's had to leave her home! Why do I feel this way? I should be relieved and at peace that she is now safe. At first when AL was presented Mom refused to listen but over time, she has agreed and is OK with being there. I am not..feeling so sad she had to leave her home. Any thoughts out there?

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Hi Texarcana,
The live in helper that my aunt and uncle have is through an agency. They are bonded and insured. You can be sure that my cousins had a thorough background check on their caregiver.
I personally have had live in help with my children when they were young, similar situation to the one I have now for my mother. I did a background check and I got her from a reputable source. About the possibility of her getting hurt here, she is paid through my PEO that provides employment service for my staff at my business (they are the employer) This is available for 1 - unlimited number of employees and anyone can avail themselves of this kind of service. They handle insurance, workers comp, liability tax withholding etc. It is very reasonably priced as well. It's about 10% of the payroll. I would highly suggest this arrangement if you don't have an umbrella insurance policy and an account to do the withholding taxes etc.. Granted, you can't just get somebody off the street, but I have gone through agencies before and had one abysmal experience. I have found that I have to go with my gut in hiring someone, that's why I don't use agencies who just send over whomever they please while telling me that they have done background checks. Agencies are just as reliable as the one who runs them, sometimes not at all.
Assisted living is great for some. It provides social interaction and help with day-in-day-out necessities like meals, transportation etc. but not everyone thrives in that situation. Some people wither when taken out of their home. Some do better. It's not one size fits all.
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There are days I wish I could go into Assistant Living.... how great it would be to have someone else do all the cooking, all the cleaning, have activities to go to.... like summer camp except no bunk beds :) And not to worry about the power going out, not worry about driving in the snow, or shoveling the walkway.

Whatever you do, do not visit your Mom with doom and gloom on your face. That will make her feel like something is terribly wrong and no one is telling her. As for the family home, guess because I had moved so many times, a new place is just that, another new place. Home is where the heart is.
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Aw, gropup, it IS sad she had to leave her home. Let yourself be sad about that! I'll bet it was your childhood home too. This circle of life/seasons of life crap sure sucks sometimes. I'm not cheerily accepting of the whole deal, to say the least.

So if the best thing for her is the assisted living, then don't make your nice, normal, understandable and at the same time totally heart and gut-wrenching sadness a reason to undo that decision. If you did not feel sad about the home, it might be worse, because that would mean it might not have been such a good home full of good memories...

I have to tell you - the two hardest experiences of my life were selling and doing the estate sale for my mom's/my childhood home and having her move into hospice, being with her to the end, and I'm not entirely sure the latter was as much harder as you would think it should have been.
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Sorry, saw the live in is for your mom. I just don't want to see you have to deal with any complications from this. Sometime it works out great, but again be very careful who you let in the house. Did you do a background check on this person?Also ,what if she tries to sue due to an injury in caregiving of your mom? Does your mom's homeowner's insurance cover this.?
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Well, sherry, I am glad that is working for you so far. However, have you considered what would happen if this live in care giver gets hurt while caring for your aunt and uncle,say like she hurts her back and decides to sue? Be careful of this "member of the family" thinking because it can come back to bite you. You have to be very careful who you let in your home.You also say she drives them, are you sure she has a valid license and do you have a copy of it? Does their car insurance cover her if she has an accident while driving their car and she gets hurt or hurts other people? Sometimes the cheap becomes expensive.
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More on that - my aunt and uncle waited until their lease was up. They hated "living in the hotel" as my uncle put it. My aunt has dementia and is challenged with mobility due to a broken femur that did not heal properly. They are 85, my aunt and 94, my uncle. The caregiver comes in days and prepares all their meals for the day. She works from 8 AM - 4 PM. My uncle is capable of using the phone in case of emergency at night, which you did not say if your mom has any mental impairments. My uncle can afford whatever he wants, but he says that he's saving a ton of money by having the caregiver. She drives them everywhere or runs errands as needed.
I got someone to move in here for my mother. She is like a member of our family now. She needed a place to live and we pay her a small salary for 25 hours per week. There are also community programs like meals on wheels and a visiting caregiver service. Don't think that just because you moved your mother into AL that she has to stay there. My aunt and uncle have moved in and out twice. Once when he had a heart attack and the second time when my aunt broke her leg. There are options for most everything in life.
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Why don't you consider a live-in caregiver? It is cheaper than AL for sure. My aunt and uncle just moved back home and hired full time help.
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I went thru this 2 yrs ago,moved her in my me but that's another story. Yes, I felt tremendous guilt even though I knew,I am a nurse, it would be negligence to let her live by herself especially after she was placed on a powerful painkiller for osteoarthritis. She had a beautiful home,nice location, good neighbors, I felt horrible having to do an estate sell. I was going to sell my home and relocate to her place which would have been a massive undertaking for me and my husband to relocate jobs, 6 dogs and 2 horses but we were willing to do it,however, we were in the process of doing necessary improvements on the house to get it ready to sell,needed 1 year to get it done and even then we didn't know when it would sell due to the housing market and our location.Well, her condition got worse and time wasn't on our side,she called screaming in pain one day and when I got up to her house,2 hours away I knew this woman could no longer live by herself.So her house was the one that had the better chance of selling due to location.I constantly second guessed myself,was I jumping the gun, but I had found rotting food in her refrigerator,her personal hygiene was "smelling" she admitted to "some"falls, I suspect there had been more and she had so much furniture, she constantly bought things,clothes,jewelry ,furniture,it was very nice furniture but the place was getting to where there were just pathways thru the house.I had to basically move her from the big city to "little house on the prairie"(my house).However, now 2 yrs. later I know I did the right thing and she has even started to verbalize that I did the right thing..Try not to be so hard on yourself, actually you are both kinda of grieving for the way things use to be,grieving isn't always because someone died, it can be over simply changes in life.Let yourself grieve.Also it puts it in my face that one day I will no longer be able to manage the house currently live in and the property I upkeep,the good thing is it has made me already start to make plans for when that time comes and to start mentally preparing myself already that one day that change will come for me .
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