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She's 92 with CHF, had a heart attack and can not live on her own. DH expects me to do all cooking, cleaning, meds, appointments, deal with hospice, deal with selling her house, set up showings, follow up phone calls ect in addition to usual housework and upkeep. We are both retired and able to care for her. Right now this is the best place for her to be. I have been able to get rid of excess fluids by adhering to a low sodium diet for her, her lungs had fluid, swollen ankles when she first came here, thankfully her lungs are clear and no more swelling. Problem is he has been so negative about everything. Granted he will run a dust mop over the floor once in a while but complains that it needs to be washed. I wash it, next meal she doesn't listen when I tell her to leave her plate on the table, I'll get it, she drips food off the plate and walks thru it, back to square 1 again, there's spots on the floor. I haven't been out by myself in a couple of months now, "take mom with you" last time I ran to the corner store by myself all I heard was her complaints to his sisters that I didn't take her with, then I get lectured by them how mom needs to get out of the house too and that I need to take her with me. To top it all off, he's pouting that HE doesn't get to do anything fun anymore. That it's like he's not married and all alone by himself because I don't spend enough time with him and when she goes he's gone. Real nice to hear after 36 years. I asked him if he wanted me to leave his reply was no, I can't afford for you to leave right now. I can't even go to the bathroom without one of them calling me for something. If it's not her, it's him. Emotionally and physically drained.

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Reading your post, it seems clear that your husband doesn’t like the impact of you caring for his mother, his sisters don’t think you are doing it well, and you are hating it. So stop! I don’t know why you are doing this, but it is a crazy situation. Sure, you are doing a good job - of destroying your own life! MIL needs one of two options – move in with her own daughters, or go into a facility. Just stop! Take MIL around to one of her daughters, drop her off, and tell the daughter to sort it out. You certainly don’t leave your home, you just stop all that housework and care work. Yes you can!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I can understand that you love your MIL and feel that ‘right now this is the best place for her to be’. However it would be good to do a serious reality check about how to protect yourself. Unfortunately many people on this site have had the experience of dementia taking away the person they loved, and replacing them with someone mean that they don’t recognise and who blames them for everything – or someone who simply doesn’t recognise them. You could write off your own retirement options, without even a guarantee of simple thanks. You currently have no rights at all, and bad behaviour now is an indicator that the ‘family’ are quite capable of sweeping in at the last minute and pushing you out. You certainly can’t expect a change to better behaviour from them in the foreseeable future, even though you think they ‘ought’ to do better. Your husband is not the only person whose priority is the chance to enjoy their own retirement, it’s a common theme. What you get now is what you are going to get, unless you have a magic wand. MIL may be safer in a facility, where she can get care even if your marriage falls apart. And perhaps without this stress, your marriage will get back on track – you’ve coped for 36 years! You are rising with pride to the challenge of caring well for MIL, but you need to look at your own life as well. It's good that you are going to see a lawyer. It would be a good idea to ask about these issues when you go.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Just wanted to thank you for letting me vent, I really appreciate all the feedback.
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Reply to Takincare
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When a situation becomes unbearable, it’s time to change it. No one (here, at least) would question your love for your MIL. You are taking wonderful care of her. But, at what expense to your physical and emotional well-being? If she were “in her right mind”, would she want you to give up those things for her? Find a good skilled nursing facility for her and apply for Medicaid. Visit her as often as you can. Have meals with her. Bring her little chachkis. She will be safe and well-cared for and you are free to get on with your life. Send her children a registered letter saying what your intentions are and why. Tell your husband. Hopefully, he has POA.

I have a helpless hubby too. He is bedridden and immobile. But, even before, he conveniently forgot the things his mother taught him about helping clean and cook. At one point, he tried to insist that we would take his mentally-challenged sister to live with us when his parents passed. He, like your husband, would have done nothing to help me care for her. And, as a teenager, she could not even bathe herself because she was coddled and spoiled by her parents. I became incensed and told him no way.

It sounds like something is eating at your husband and there is little or no communication between you. Have you considered counseling? Divorces are stressful,
painful and expensive. Are you ready for the final solution? Perhaps talking it out with a counselor before considering filing for divorce would be helpful and revealing.

Good luck and come back often with updates.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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How many sisters-in-law do you have 'helping' you with THEIR mother?

How did it come about that this lady, who on her own account sounds like a brave little soldier if not exactly an uncomplaining one, came to your home to live with you? That is, why you and not one of her other children?

Are you able to get DH and his sisters all into the same room any time soon?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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He told you when she is gone he is leaving you?

Why would you stay and be his and siblings free caregiver for their mom.

That he actually said he couldn't afford for you to leave is so unacceptable. He is using you and he has told you that loud and clear.

I personally would talk to a divorce attorney and find out how to protect yourself, whatever he gets as an inheritance is not community property and it is all his. So he gets 1/2 of marital assets and 100% inheritance after you did all the care.

No way, let them deal with their mom. Their lack of gratitude and criticism is toxic and unbelievable.

Give yourself an early Christmas present and leave this nasty jerk, this is abuse and grounds for divorce. You do it 1st and show him you are stronger then him and his ugliness.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Ur profile said he is under stress. What stress! And if daughter feels u should take Mom with you tell her to come and take Mom out for the day.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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He sounds pretty awful. Sorry to say that. Could you consider any therapy? I think you just need to be really frank with him. It is his mother. He sounds like a big baby and is not helping the situation at all. I don't know what your ultimatums could be but I think you need to find and express them soon. You cant ignore her but maybe his needs could go by the wayside if he can't meet you half way in taking care of HIS mother.
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Reply to Riverdale
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Hoping you really hear what these people are telling you. When you're caught up in a situation, it's can become to easy to discount what others tell you, even though they have valid points. I did that too. But there are other options even if we don't see them at the time. Don't wait until it's to late for you-whatever too late may mean for you. Venting is perfectly ok, and so helpful. But taking action to change the situation is what really makes the difference.
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Reply to lynnm12
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Oh wow. Can't imagine what is happening in your world right now. This sounds awful! Maybe it's been like this longer than you realized and now it's just really showing? I get that sounds SO presumptuous of me because of 36 years! You would know that way better than I. And, jeez, go to the bathroom and leave your phone somewhere else. I get your bigger point with that, but just saying. And maybe just leave the house, just pick up your bag and keys and say "I'll be back in a while". And the great things about complaints to the sisters, or anyone else? You can leave the room!
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Reply to lynnm12
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