Moved in with mom to help her and me but now nothing is enough. What should I do? - AgingCare.com

Moved in with mom to help her and me but now nothing is enough. What should I do?

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I'm 55 no kids just a dog. Rent went up so high because of my medical problems I can't work full time so moved in with mom to help us both. She is 76. She thinks she is of sound mind but she is very forgetful and thinks people are coming in the house at night taking things. Which isn't the case. She has even said before it was me. I know there is a mental illness going on but what? The first 8 months she told me everyday how happy she was I was here then she started the accusations of me selling her stuff and trust me the house is full of junk she thinks is worth something but most you couldn't sale at a garage sale. December 2017 she started in about her back hurting her so I took on more and then more and more until I am waiting on her hand and foot without a thank you half the time. I work part time three weeks ago I hurt my already bad back. Oh mom saw her doctor but didn't follow through with treatment. It's like she waits to set and be waited on. Well now I am unable to I beg her please help me. I took medicine yesterday to help my pain so I could clean the floors do dishes and she gets up complaining about her pain. Said I didn't make her doctor appointment for her back. And has she gets ready for bed she losses her bladder in kitchen floor. She threw paper towels on it and walks away for me to clean up. My mom has a NP personally so it's all about her and just that morning I had to clean up her dogs pee where she didn't take her dog out. I have noticed the more she sets the worse the pain but she doesn't believe me. I think now she wants me out because now I am no use to her. It doesn't matter for almost two years I have waited on her. Also I am last sibling. My sister killed herself at 24. She was 9 years younger than me. Mom said she has 30,000 in bank but I'm not sure. Plus before I moved in she had a will made so I would not get the house but later had that one torn up. I have beg her to sign the house over because I know if she ends up in a home I will be homeless after caring for her all this time. Mom doesn't trust anyone. I don't want her in a home I want her to help herself but the more I do the more that's expected of me to do. She is the widow of a vet so I know there is other help out there for her too. But how do I get through to her if she doesn't get up and help me that the choice is a home. Maybe I will get better it's going to be a long road for my back and not only that I have something going on with my heart so I see a cardiologist in a few weeks. I am so depressed over my own health and my mothers NP personally I could scream. I don't have any support here. My uncles and one aunt doesn't get involved. I cried on my doctor shoulder the other day. I just feel like why. If maybe God would just take me out of here. Also I have insomnia I sleep 4 hours a night broken sleep and mom as also started waking me up to ask stupid questions like was you just in the bathroom? It takes hours for me to fall back asleep then bright and early next morning wakes me up again for nothing. Can anyone out there tell me what to do? Help me please! Crying

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Depressed@55, (I know how you feel and I am 48!)
It will never get better, it will continue to get worse. If you are not ready to become her full-time slave, you need to work out other arrangements ASAP. Do not compromise your health so she can have her every need tended to. I speak from experience. Mom was diagnosed with dementia. It started out small, then I had to deal with everything. Having no cooperation from her much less admit she has a problem adds to the stress of it all. Mom is a narcissist that continues to protect and make excuses for my brothers who have done nothing nor contributed a dime but it’s fine I sacrifice it all. I guess that is what my Mother EXPECTS of her only daughter. Well, I am done now. I have given it my all for 5 plus years. Time to put myself first before I end up dead from stress and ruining my marriage.
I also have a bad back, arthritis in lower spine, sciatica and bursitis in both hips. I am in pain everyday and my usual routines are becoming more difficult without paying for it, things that I used to do without too much of a problem such as cleaning the house. I also struggle with crashing fatigue too. I think I waited too long to have an alternative plan in place because I now wish I could have her out next week but this will take months to get all this worked out.
There is no shame in putting her in an ALF to keep her safe and preserve your own physical and mental health.
Good luck to you and I hope you do not allow yourself to circle the drain. *HUGS* I will cheer you on. 😊
P.S. I am sure you know this but have to say, make sure all legal documents are in order, meaning you need POA, DPOA, etc. or you can’t do anything. 
Also, check into her health coverage and see if it covers any respite care for you or any other helpful things under the present circumstances. They will even do an evaluation for you and deem she is not safe on her own anymore and recommend she be placed in a facility. Then YOU are off the hook at being the “bad one” making the decision! Hope this helps you! We aren’t dead yet! 
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Rainey69
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Does "NP personally" stand for Narcissistic Personality or Narcissistic Paranoid Personality?
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Reply to cmagnum
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Polarbear is definitely right about helping yourself first. Just to clarify, the caretaker pay is info. because if you decide to continue doing it, at least you may have that option where you can get paid as a professional would, and along with your already part-time job, it can possibly put you on better footing. 'God' luck with everything!
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Reply to Ceeceeisme
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Hi Depressed

Your mother sure sounds like she has some mental illness. She needs to go see a doctor and you will need to tell the dr. about her behaviors because your mother sure won't. This is important because once she is properly diagnosed, her symptoms can be addressed. And she can get help either through VA, Medicare, or Medicaid.

Once she qualifies to receive services at home, you won't have to do as much. But for now, you have to take care of YOUR health. Have you seen your dr about your bad back? You need to do that if you haven't.

Regarding your mother waking you up at night, put a lock on your bedroom door and wear (industrial grade) earplugs so you won't hear her knocking. You have to get enough sleep.

As for a roof over your head, you have a few options besides staying with your mother. If you're in the US, you can apply for Section 8 (subsidized housing) with either the County or the City where you live. Call and find out. Get on the list NOW as it takes a few years of waiting before you get approved. Also ask if there are low income apartments around there and in neighboring cities. These places will charge rent up to 1/3 of your income. Again, get on the waiting lists. Or you can also rent a room to save on rent. Be prepared, put some money aside each month in case you have to move out. Once you have that money put away, you will not be so stressed out.

Your mother has her problems, and you have yours. Don't rely on her to help you. Help yourself. Then you can help her.
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Reply to polarbear
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Hi Depressedat55,

Just when I think I have it bad feeling stuck between my mother and grandmother's demands (whether passive or aggressive), I read your story and my heart goes out to you. At least I have my own place, so I am able to get peace. You're getting some good advice; wanted to add that I am hearing how caretaker family members are getting paid to take care of their mom, dad, etc. Don't know all the details, but perhaps you can Google it. Blessings to you. Praying one day you can get off this rollercoaster; but please be patient with the furry babies (I'm sure you are). 'Cause any innocent beings didn't ask for this mess and, if anyone, are the ones who naturally have no choice in the matter but to look to be loved and cared for.
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Reply to Ceeceeisme
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Even if I were qualified to diagnose a medical condition (I am NOT), I couldn't do it from a few sentences. But the specific examples you list sure sounds consistent with dementia. The paranoid accusations of stealing are extremely common in many kinds of dementia.

What do you mean by "NP personally" -- are you talking about the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator? (Doesn't seem likely, but I don't know what else that stands for.)

What can you do? Well, I would have said "move out" but I can see why that doesn't look like a good option for you, and not a good reward for the caring you have done. It might be best anyway, but try other things first.

Getting Mom an assessment for her mental health would be a good starting place. This could be presented to her as a "thorough medical exam."

Then getting a needs assessment for her might come next. Your county's Area Agency on Aging can most likely arrange that or tell you how.

The assessment will determine not only her needs but also if there are resources that can meet them. Can she get Meals on Wheels? Should she have housecleaning/ laundry help once a week? If she genuinely needs help getting some of it from someone other than you might ease the tension. And if she doesn't need certain kinds of help, you can stop feeling guilty for not providing it.

If Mom has to go on Medicaid, for help in her home and perhaps eventually for a care center, you may be able to continue living in the house, for having kept her out of a nursing home by your care. Don't give up on this idea until you know all the facts.

Getting started on a medical evaluation and then a needs assessment is enough to concentrate on for now.

Come back often and tell us how things are going.
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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I am in the same situation. My mother loves' to nag me.
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Reply to Chris516
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I'm so sorry you're in this situation, Depressed, and that there's been so much pain in your family. I'm bumping this up in hopes that others might have some good suggestions for you.

One thought I'm having is that it might be helpful to contact your county's Area Agency on Aging. This might give you some ideas for getting your mother some help, and yourself some much needed breathing room.

Thanks for reaching out -- hold on!
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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