Should I move to NY to live closer and care for an older physical-verbal abusive Dad and Mom living in denial?

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I'm single retired in CA. Although I had gone theraphy for PDST and depression due to my parents physical-psychological abuse during my childhood; I feel I would never get closure because they would never accept their wrongdoing, which still hurts me. Now, they are old and it would be smart for them to ask me to live with them or close by and take care of them; but their pride won't let them. I feel guilty to leave them alone but I also belief being to close to them might be too risky for my mental health. They are in their mid 80's so they don't have much time left. Should I ignore them and wait until any of them breake a hip or make a move by moving cross-country closer to them?

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Pauline Boss, a psychologist, wrote in her book "Loving Someone With Dementia", that it was not advisable in her opinion to be the hands on care giver for parents who abused you. Your parents may not have dementia, but the dysfunction is still there in how they communicate to you, what their expectations are from you and how they view your role in their lives. I must ask, do you have DPOA to make medical and financial decisions for them? Will they give you a DPOA even if it is a springing type where you cannot make decisions until they have been diagnosed as mentally incompetent?

My mother has a personality disorder (probably borderline PD), she was/has been a very abusive mother. I spent 4 years in therapy to deal with the abuse, physical, emotional,...the whole gamet. She had a springing type DPOA, she also developed Alzheimer's, it was a rough couple of years with her until a neurologist diagnosed her as mentally incapacitated. Once that happened my sister and I were able to step in (with mom's attorney's help) to start making medical and financial decisions.

There are geriatric case managers out there who can manager your parents finances, medical while you live in CA. It depends on your parents finances and their willingness to cooperate if you don't have authority to act in their best interest.

Again back to my mother, she was always sweet as pie to people outside the family, but the family members paid dearly. She did have some friends that I was able to contact who helped me know what was going on with my mom during times when mom would refuse to communicate.

I strongly suggest you do your research and find alternative ways of dealing with your parents. Your mental health depends on it Learn about detaching with love, setting boundaries if you must move to NY. Your mental health will depend on it. Good luck to you and keep us informed as you progress with this issue.
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OMG!! No, no, and no. Do NOT consider disrupting your entire life and moving across the country to take care of abusive parents. The most you should do is oversee their care long-distance, probably through a social worker. Up-close-and-personal care will be devastating.

Before you make a life-changing decision like this, talk it over with a therapist. There have got to be better ways to find "closure."
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If you experience physical-verbal abuse during your childhood from your parents, it is likely that you will be experiencing them again if you are the one who will provide care for them. Being a caregiver is an enormous task which could take toll on your personal life. Aging is often associated with health issues which may affect they thinking and behavior. A lot of caregivers experience being burn out due to verbal abuse from parents or long term care recipients who used to be nice and sweet. This is because age has already taken a toll on their physical and mental being.

Is there anyone who could provide care for them? Do they have long term care (LTC) insurance or are they financially stable to afford the cost of care? New York is one of the city with the most expensive cost of long term care services. Do you have siblings whom you can discuss this?

Take time to think and plan the consequences of your action. But if you really feel the need to move to NY so you can be closer to them and monitor their well being, it's your call, after all, they are still your parents.

You might find these caregiving tips helpful too: infolongtermcare.org/senior-caregiver-support/tips-for-caregivers/ should you experience stress or depression while doing your task.

Goodluck :)
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