We would like to begin the move to Memory Care for mom, but don't know where to start. What questions do we ask the lawyer?

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Mother with Alzheimer's disease has lived with me for last 7 months because her husband was unable to handle her behaviors, became abusive. Would like to begin the move to Memory Care for her, but don't know where to start. She doesn't have enough money to even pay for 1 year of care. Her husband refuses to contribute saying, "I can't afford to pay for her care." My 2 brothers and I are meeting with the Elder Care Lawyer to determine how to proceed. Any insights you could share would be so appreciated! What questions do we ask the lawyer? How can we make her husband participate in paying for her care? She won't be found eligible for Medicaid, as she remains married and therefore his financial information would have to be added to the application. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Can you suggest ideas to assist me in moving forward?

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Good luck. It's a challenging ordeal, but, if you can do it without there being a crisis, I would imagine that it wouldn't be as stressful.
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Sunnygirl1, Thank you for this helpful information! I appreciate it very much. I will research the information you have provided and cover it with the Elder Lawyer. Have a great evening, Thanks.
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Tefland, I'm in NC too! I'd still see the attorney, but, also ask about a program called Special Assistance in NC. It's for the disabled and seniors who must have assistance. It does not cover nursing homes. It's based on need and ability to pay. The requirements are similar to Medicaid coverage for Nursing homes, but, it's look back period is only 3 years.

They pay for Assisted Living and Memory Care Assisted Living in NC if she qualifies. You apply with the county Dept. of Social Services. You can make an appointment and they'll tell you what documents to bring, such as bank accounts statements, proof of income and assets, etc. They normally allow a family member apply on behalf of a family member. I was POA, but, I don't think you don't have to be one to meet with them.

I'd also ask about Medicaid Medical. This will be supplemental to Medicare. They will apply her for everything that she might qualify for.

When I applied for my cousin, I had already picked out an Assisted Living facility that accepts Special Assistance payments. The Social Worker and the AL needed the form called an FL2 completed and signed by a doctor. The doctor needs to know the things that the patient cannot do or needs assistance with. Depending on the needs, the doctor will recommend AL or MC or Secure MC. You can find an FL2 online.

I think it's important to explain to the social worker that she cannot stay with family and that she is not able to care for herself. And you may want to get treatment for mom before applying to AL, since, if she is a behavior problem....you may have some rejections.
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tefland, you'll need to have proof of incompetency, the records from her dementia testing. You'll also need her financial records, tax returns and marriage certificate. Her husband cannot just say he won't pay; you haul him into court where a judge will explain reality to him.
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I am located in North Carolina. Any insights to Medicaid info specific to NC would be really helpful! Thanks for your response.
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Tefland, what state are you in?

Due to her wandering, it's highly likely the doctor would prescribe Secure Memory Care. My cousin was in a wheelchair, but still would wheel into the parking lot trying to get into cars to go shopping. Most regular AL's are not secure and cannot keep her from trying to leave.

It sounds like she needs help with all of her daily activities. I wouldn't let costs bother me. There are provisions in most states for persons who are not able to care for themselves. The doctor would need to put it in writhing and the attorney may provide you with the details regarding the paperwork the doctor will need to complete.
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Need to clarify...mother was not abusive, her husband was. Thank you for the information your answers have provided so far! Keep them coming or update the answers now that I have clarified that mother's husband was the one that became abusive. Mother's level of Alzheimer's is considered moderate, needs major assistance/prompting with all activities of daily living, e.g., I prepare all meals, provide all medications prescribed to her, assist her with showering, getting dressed and cleaning teeth. She is 82 years old, doesn't drive and requires supervision continuously for safety, wandered in the past.
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Make sure that your attorney REALLY does know about Medicaid rules. There is a difference in just having a little familiarity and really understanding and knowing them well. He should know it well and be able to guide you. If not, get a second opinion. I have been informed that some states do not provide aid for those who need Assisted Living, which is what Memory Care is considered. However, many states, have a fund similar to Medicaid (which pays for Nursing Home care) that covers AL and MC for those who are disabled, have dementia and qualify financially. So, ask about that too, since she may not actually need Nursing home, but MC.

I agree about your mother's concerning behavior. I'd have her evaluated by her doctor. Perhaps, inquire into a geriatric psychiatrist. I'd see if her anxiety or agitation can be addressed, as if it is not addressed, most Memory Care facilities will want it to be explored. Many facilities are not able to keep a person as a resident who is violent or abusive.
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Just tell the Elder Law Attorney what is going on, he/she will know what questions to ask you, plus advise on how your Mom's husband can help pay for the care, etc.

Please note when it comes to a married couple where one needs to apply for Medicaid, only half of the house and half of the assets would be counted for the application. The Elder Law Attorney can guide you on that.

Since Mom is abusive, has her primary doctor recommended any medicine to help calm her down? Some Assisted Living/Memory Care will not accept a person who could become violent or abusive to the Staff and other residents. With Medicaid, your Mom would need to go into a continuing care facility which Medicaid would help pay for her care. Or Medicaid could offer some help in the form of Aides to come to your home for a few hours per week to help out. Again, your Attorney can guide you as each State has different rules and programs.
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