Do you think that it's fair for my sister to tell me that I need to move to a different city to take care of our Father and leave my husband?

my sister live 1 1/2 from my father and hardly went to see him in the last 6 months i have gone to see my dad 5 or more with my husband . my sister doesn't go that often. when my dad fell the person that use to take care of him told us both and i went with my husband right away and spend a week with him.every time there been something wrong with him i go down and she is doesn't. the last time my dad was at the hospital for 3 day and rehap for two weeks . my husband and i went to see him right away and stay for a week. she went one saturday because the social worker needed to talk to her and sign paper and then she left the the next day.that was the first time i had seen her in a year because every time i go to see dad she said she was busy. i know for a fact that she hardly went to see him because on one of my visit he told me he wish that she would come more often and she only live 1 1/2 hr away from him. i live 400 miles away and i go more often with my husband so we see my dad and he can see his mom since they both leave near each other. i been back home least then a month and she want me to leave. she told other family member that i should move and take care of our father. he wanted her to be the guardian because she lives closer to him. my husband was in the military and we moved a lot and i still made time to come and see my parent when mom was still alive.he only been with here for a month i told her that it would be too much for us to take care of dad by our self.since our brother live in a different state and he has financial problem. when i said that we travel a lot i meant to say we take one big vacation for a week and than we go see our parents and maybe a few weeks later we take a 2 or 3 day near by. i went home for a month when our mother was dying i took my kids with me and my husband went to say his goodbyes and came home and we stay.at that time my dad was in a little better health so i took care of our mom and dad(diabetic) and my two younger children plus cook, clean and wash clothes with out no help from anyone. saw her one and later at the funeral. when i went to take care my mom i was 120 pound came back at 100 pound. i didn't leave the house for a whole month lucky that my dad still drove and did the grocery so i would send my son with him to help. my husband was the first one to say to me go and help your mom. at the time i went to help with my mom my husband just retire from the military and we had just move to our house and the kids were at school. so i waited two day for the kids to finish and left the whole house full of boxes and left and when i return with my husband and kids from mom funeral i was so tired, lucky that i have a wonderful husband and he had put all of the stuff away.were i live is called the high desert so when i say i go to a military base for my care no i'am not in the military. I'am a dependent.my father has kaiser and we don't have one near by the closest one his 2 hours away and he won't be able to make the trip.when i took him out when i go to his house just for a half hour in the car he get tire just imagine 2 hour drive to the hospital. i never told my dad of what was going on but he ask me about it because he had heard it from a friend that my sister had told. so my dad ask and i said it was the truth. she told me when dad fell last year( thank god he was fine) that i should move with dad and my husband just need to suck it up. so she moved him with her and we need to put his house for sell and in dad trust he put that she need to do it. so i decided to help her and call different agent to see what the house is worth and she told me she doesn't want to deal with it.so i told her that the house can't stay empty because we need the money to get dad more care since he is fix income. so i talk to my brother about so he can talk to her and he didn't have any luck either. every time we talk the first thing she ask is what am i doing and that she need to go to beauty shop to do her hair nail etc. i never told her that when i was taking care of mom that stuff was the last thing on my mind at that moment. i can't bring my dad to live with us because my husband travel sometime for his government job and our kids live in different state. so i won't have any help at all. all of my sister family live near her. Her grown children and there spouses. i don't have any family near me only my husband.he will be retiring in 6 year and we are going to move closer to one of our kids .every time dad has a accident in the diaper i get the call or if accident in the bed she needs to call me and tell. i've clean my dad so many time when i went home and got it on me by accident and never call anyone. so i just clean it up and continue on.

my husband actually suggested that I move to my dad's and stay with him even though, yes, not knowing how long, and he would come see me; I'm the one who just never could bring myself to do it but....if he had not been able to get anyone to actually come stay with him - like he eventually got a grandson to do - I might have - now, having said that, he did talk about selling his house and moving to assisted living, so is your dad still able to do that and would he? sounds like, except it sounds like he's already given up his house and is living with your sister, so even if you were to move would you be moving in with your sister? Are your kids still at home? Did you go while your dad was in the hospital? Before dad got his grandson to stay with him he wound up, not exactly in the hospital, though I don't know why; based on the same thing happening with his cousin, he did, but he did have to go for several weeks and I went and stayed with him and my husband came up and saw me, then even after grandson started staying with him when he was in the hospital I went and stayed. How long was your dad in there? I stayed the whole time - for 2 weeks - and longer than that the other time, by myself - there have been times when we've gone together to see him but usually not in one of those situations since he wouldn't have been able to stay probably longer than that himself though guess could have, was thinking wouldn't have vehicle but dad still had his car but it had gotten in not very good shape so thinking that was part of it, at least that way I would have our vehicle, not that I left very much, at least when he was in the hospital and actually took his the other time. So one thing, not knowing your husband, but you shouldn't lose him over this - although, having said that, even though he would come see me, he did have his times where he felt I was staying too long and putting dad too first, so can understand that too, so might be good he went with you but still going even for a week, if that's not the whole time, still doesn't give you that real feel for the situation that your sister has, like after dad was in the hospital, but not getting the idea your dad is again, yet you say he's just gotten sick again; is he not needing to be back in the hospital or is he and I'm just not getting that? are you sure he's really come out of it before or just came home; he's probably been worse each time and you just haven't realize it. I know dad was. Maybe your brother should, if he doesn't think you should. Maybe you wouldn't have to move - like said, I never did - but maybe you could go more often - how often do you now? how did your sister come to be the one to be his legal guardian and how did he come to have to have one anyway if he's not needing mental help? And I understand you didn't call her when you were there but just how long was that compared to how long she's been having to deal with it? I know when dad got to that point grandson was calling me, too; it was time to get him some more help or at that point I was probably where you are, getting time to seriously consider doing something - just something to think about

You and your sister are still having childhood issues. She has told you that she needs help, that she no longer feels like taking care of Dad alone or even with an aide while she works. She is feeling jealousy over the fact that you have the freedom to travel with your husband and she has neither - freedom or a husband. Tattling to your father is also a childish thing to do, really. Of course, he would tell you not to leave your husband, I'd be surprised if he said anything else! However, that also tells me that he isn't suffering from dementia, or at least not too far gone. So the care is mostly physical, rather than mental. Your sister needs a break, though and she is asking for your help. People who are stretched too thin tend to become abusive. NOT saying she will, but it could happen. You have it in your power to help her out. Now you need to find it in your heart.

Good luck and God bless.

Stop being selfish and travel out to see him at least once a month with your husband. i don't think you really heard what she was trying to tell you in the beginning. She was trying to tell you she needed your help too! Your in this together so even though it interferes with your life as it is deal with it.One day you will be in the same situation and it can come back and bite you in the a**!You are in denial as you are not seeing him and the care he needs. he cared for you growing up now it's your turn to care for him!

Robin's right; there's an inconsistency in what your sister is suggesting you do.

Also, you wrote that your "sister live 11/2 from him". Could you explain this? I'm not sure if it means miles or is a time distance.

In addition, I'm confused by this statement:

"Where I live there nothing for him medical because i live near a military base that were i go for medical." Are you or your husband in the military? Are there no nonmilitary medical facilities at all in the area? What about AL or SNF facilities?

And 400 miles just isn't that far. Depending on the roads, it could be an 8 hour +/- trip, so it's doable.

Beyond the disagreement between the two of you, there is the issue of care for your father. I think instead of focusing on who's done what or hasn't done this or that, the important issue is that you and your siblings find a solution so that your father is well cared form now, when he needs you.

Perhaps each of you may have to sacrifice a bit; you wrote that you and your husband travel a lot; perhaps you could travel to your father's area to help with his care and give your sister a break. That seems reasonable to me.

It's time to be creative in helping your father.

First in the heading, you said she told you to move, then in the body of your letter she thinks you should move. If she told you to move, that is from left field. If she thinks you should move, are you a mind reader? Dad needs more care than one person can provide. When he goes to the hospital again, she needs to tell them she can no longer care for him and they need to assist with nursing home placement. Expecting you to move across the country is a bit much, but I can see where she is overloaded.