Should I move my low income, physically ok but forgetful Dad in with me, 2500 miles from his current location? - AgingCare.com

Should I move my low income, physically ok but forgetful Dad in with me, 2500 miles from his current location?

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My Dad is 75, still physically active, but getting forgetful and complains of dizziness. He is lucid most of the time but has a drinking problem My mother died last year. Dad is living alone in the woods, 7 miles from the nearest small town. He only gets $880/mo SS, and refuses to apply for food stamps or other assistance. The only asset is the residence he's living in, and it's going downhill from lack of maintenance. I live 2500 miles away, and have a busy career/family life. Yet, we want to do the right thing, and can spare money to provide a trailer or other separate living quarters at our house. A complicating factor is that he has 2 dogs he won't part with, and my husband is adamant that he would allow only 1 more dog in addition to our own dog.

The other option is to get him a smaller place in town in the area he currently is in--but there is no money to do that until we sell his present house. And we can't sell that property unless he's out of there. There is no way he would qualify for AL through Medicaid--he's definitely still legally competent and not disabled. Just a stubborn cuss who still wants to live independently, but is lonely and declining. And broke. He can never make it through the month on SS, and is always trying to hit me up for an extra 100 or 200 to get him food or pay utility bills. Thoughts or advice?

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Love the answers you've rec'd. At 75, he still wants to control his own life, but he wants you to help him too. I'll be 72, and unless something drastic happens I don't want my kids telling me to move cross country in 3 yrs.. I did it to my mother, much to my regret. She has no long term connections here, and therefore depends on me for everything, plus she never lets me forget that "I "made" her move. Good luck with everything. Everyone's situation is different. Let us know how it all turns out.
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Find him a 65 year old woman. It might kill him, but so would taking him off the mountain. Ask Captain.
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Solitude, dogs and adult beverages make him happy, let him be. You will both be miserable if you make him move. If he was over 90, unable to feed himself or care for the dogs, my thoughts would be different. Keep in touch and if he is no longer able to care for himself, offer a hand.
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If he agrees so be it but he is still going to drink and run out of money. Are you still prepared and able to help with the bills. If you get a trailer he won't be able to pay the utilities etc. I also doubt he will meet hubby's expectations either but time will tell. I just am not optomistic over this move. Not really any of my business though.
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My Dad says he would like to move out here, with me. He continues to run out of $ before the end of the month, and I won't/can't keep subsidizing him. I think my husband will give the 2 dogs arrangement a try, with an understanding that my dad MUST clean up after them.

Last year, while my Dad was reeling from my mother's sudden death last March after 54 yrs of marriage, he spent 3 months with us, and it worked out fine. I was able to get him hearing aids and dentures, which he has needed for many years. I think that kind of attention is what he lacks in his current isolated living situation.

He is getting interested in finding another lady companion, and I keep assuring him that the odds are in his favor in his age group. Again, he would have a lot more opportunities for socializing here, where we are in town with a senior center, etc. I have no interest in controlling his life, and would like nothing more than getting him back on his feet, stabilized, and off to another place of his own when finances will permit (if that's what he wants).

Tell you what, if we make the move with him this spring, I'll report back to the community how the experience has gone. Again, thanks to all for their input.
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I have my mom and my dad's sister, my aunt, a mile away from me.. I know I can be there in a heartbeat....What does he feel?
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If he loses his two dogs, you will see an immediate decline. So, either your husband relents, you divorce your husband, you get your father a place in his town, or you keep sending him money. Any other options you can think of?
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What about a care giver for your dad, right where he's at?

Honestly, were it my dad, I'd call DSS to see what, if any services he'd qualify for as far as an aide went, or I'd hire a care taker, a handy man for repairs, slip him as much money as he needed to get by on when he needed it, let him keep his his house, his dogs and his booze, and know that I did the best thing for him and his personality. My dad would have withered and died any other way and I know it.

If you move him closer to you, trying to change him or 'cure' him of his bad habits, and setting a bunch of 'rules' will be a disaster. It's too late for things like that.

Go with your gut.
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I think you are hearing the same song, second verse here. Do not make the decision for your dad. Moving them is very hard when they've lived somewhere for so long. Your dad could live many many more years. His lack of financial stability is not your problem unless you make it your problem. His drinking money comes from that SSI, don't forget and he evidently has money enough for that. And if he smokes too…then there's more money. I would not advocate making him give up one of his dogs. That is cruel to the dog and to him as well.
Help him find low income housing where he lives now. He may need paperwork that helps him to qualify and possibly be on a waiting list. Once you find that, put him on the list and get his home listed and sell it as a fixer upper. Yes, it won't sell for as much but then again, you aren't the ones who didn't maintain it. You need to take a step back and act as an objective person who is not the one who created his current living situation. Local agencies can be VERY helpful. Do not …repeat let him move in even though he was a great dad. You're life as you know it will be over. And your brother will go merrily along as though nothing ever happened. Funny how it's always the daughters who feel so guilty but the sons usually (not always) don't. Take a cue from him.
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