I read if you move in with parent and then later move out that it could be construed as "elder abuse"? - AgingCare.com

I read if you move in with parent and then later move out that it could be construed as "elder abuse"?

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Ok. So, I've been reading and reading and reading. I feel like a yo yo in my mind. Yes, we can do this, all of us move. Sell our house and be down there with dad. (which we would benefit greatly from because we are struggling to keep cars running and just live. Dad said we could live there rent free and he'd buy everything. I think he meant food with that comment. Of course, I'd take him up on that deal because I'd be working all day for him cooking, cleaning and stuff around the yard.)
Then I read something that scares me and I'm back to no, I don't want to do it.
Question: I read if you move in with parent and then later move out that it could be construed as "elder abuse". Under what circumstances would that be true. IF we moved in with dad and it was just fighting all the time and we (my husband, I and 17 yr old son) moved out BUT found care for dad, that couldn't be construed as abuse could it? One more consideration for us is this. Don't know if you remember but my SIL was living with dad but we caught her on camera getting into his wallet after he had gone to bed. Well, she and her sisters started telling people (neighbors and niece) that I was going to move in and "throw him into an old folks home and take over and sell everything". (the rich neighbor wanted to buy dad's Kabota tractor) Also, they (the SIL and her sisters) were saying that "I was going to change dad's will and cut them (my 2 nieces and 1 nephew) out of the will and they would get nothing". (Yes, my dad is leaving 1/2 of his estate to these kids who would not turn a tap to help him; they are the takers. I don't have siblings, they both died, but I do have these taker kids). So, knowing THAT what would you do? My dad does not have an abusive personality, even when drinking. He does get upset with me when I try to reason with him about doing things MY way. Which he still wants to be in control. I get that and that is something that I have to learn to handle better. But, I don't want to move in and be accused of elder abuse just because my ex SIL has an ax to grind with me. (even though she is guilty). I did not turn her in to APS because although we know what we saw it isn't not clear as a bell in quality. But she did admit she was getting my dads "keys" at 10:45 pm. Which if she did get his keys she certainly didn't go open anything or start any cars. And she moved just 2 doors up the street. Just peachy. She still has contact with dad, in fact, he goes to her place (she lives with another elderly couple) and visits with her I think because he is lonely. Drives me insane that he has anything to do with her because she borrowed $200 from him and has never repaid it.

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No it's not "elder abuse" to move out of a house with an elder, but I don't see any possiblity of any scenario that you won't create just a bonfire of drama by moving in.
You say that you are furious with an ex SIL because of a $200 loan that she didn't repay to your father.
Seriously? It's his money, not yours. He's not poor. Get over it. It would have been quite reasonable for him to have given her $200 any old day of the week if he had felt like it.
If you are going to move in and have any peace in the situation you will have to make peace with ignoring the ex SIL "wrong-doings".
Who is POA?
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Patrice I was not offended. don't worry about that. my dad is a hoarder in some ways being born the year of the Great Depression the youngest of seven kids in Oklahoma they were very poor. So I can understand his seeing value in just about anything but particularly metal tools any kind of tool , garden utensils, Wood Products stuff like that. My mom used to tell him to take his stuff out to the barn if he brought it in the house. the house is not cluttered up it's just outside. he has 4 riding tractors that don't work or riding lawn mowers , he has 4 regular lawn mowers that don't work he's got some antique tools sitting in the yard he's got a truck with a man lift on it another flatbed truck couple of storage containers that are sitting in the yard so we're hoping that we will be able to get rid of some of the clutter. he's agreeable to that it's just that he doesn't feel like doing it himself and doesn't want us doing it because it is his job. I did talk to a PS and the gal told me that if we moved in and it wasn't working out for us then certainly we could move out but we would have to make sure we provided help for Dad. so it seems like it's a doable thing. I think the hardest part is just going to be for me to learn to accept his reality and not try to bring him into our reality. I read someone else's post about that and it really made a lot of sense. So I have to keep reminding myself that his mind isn't working the way ours works he's lost that ability and not to try to change it. Thanks for your comments that's a funny story about your cases and your daughter it's good when we can laugh at our selves isn't it?
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VASE not base ir case
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I thought the above was funny but may have offended you and if so I am sorry. For the last 8 months I have been trying to weed out 30 yrs if stuff from 2 houses. I asked my daughter last week to put a base in the cabinet in basement. Her snswer, the one with the ten vases slready in it!! Mom you are a hoarder. Once can never have too many cases.
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I get the picture and you are right you do have to choose your battles. Might i see you guys on the next season of hoarders? Just kidding and good luck
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Patrice2oz: Dad has an acre of junk that isn't going anywhere until he dies!! He's been collecting stuff ever since mom died in 1997. He has a HUGE workshop filled with tools, and tools and more tools!! Plus lawnmowers (4); riding lawnmowers (4); steel, aluminium, wood, ....you get the idea. One thing I'm hoping is that he will allow us to "help him" get rid of stuff, especially things in the way of keeping up the yards. He has a mobile home (with renter) and an apartment over his workshop (with renter) and plus another rental 30 minutes away. There really does need someone to be there to monitor EVERYTHING because he doesn't remember much now. So, it's easier for us to move. Plus we will get a $1500 rent break (haha) that we can sock away in an IRA. It's not all bad but I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and realize I cannot reason with him. I read a post that said "this is their reality and we have to work with what their reality is". That's great information to help me realize that even when it SEEMS he is thinking clearly he really isn't on the same page as me.
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Janny I think if you move in and it doesn't work out that as long have you have hired someone to take care of dad or call the department of aging for help that you will be fine. Is there any chance or do you want to move dad in with you? You and your family may have less of an upheaval this way. Moving dad now may be easier then moving him later. Good luck.
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Yes. And i dont think SIL will be that much drama.
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Janny is sounds like you want to take care of dad but not deal with drama?? Is that correct or am I not understanding?
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MaggieMarshall you are so right!! The drama!! I moved away when I was 21 and met my husband and married and stayed in Orange County CA. I was away from the drama that my older brother and his two marriages caused. His first wife was from a "fightin" family. I think they LIVED for the backbiting, backstabbing, hatein' each other life. I was glad that I was away from it all. But then I forgot about that and my husband and I wanted to move out of the LA congestion and get somewhere "country" to raise our kids. So, we moved to my parents property "temporarily". HA ha!! That temporary stay lasted 8 years. I was so stressed and my husband was ready to pack us up and leave when my mom got cancer and died 5 mo.later. Grandma died 5 months after her (she lived with mom and dad). So, after they died we did move and my older brother moved into our mobile home on dad's property. BUT, it has been 17 years of STRESS with how dad is and how my brother was and how NO ONE DID ANYTHING TO HELP DAD BUT US. We made the 90 minute drive once a month to help dad. (in brother's defense he was diabetic and felt lousy most of the time cuz he didn't care for himself). We would go down more often as needed. Then brother started getting sick and we were down every weekend for a month or so until he died 3 yrs ago. (In between little brother died too). Since brother died we've been down there every other weekend, then every weekend, and now back to every other weekend just seeing how dad fares with the schedule. He does have a neighbor who checks in on him a few times a week.

So, all that to say. I don't want the drama. I want a nice quiet life but it seems that isn't going to be the case. At least not till dad passes.

Thanks for your comments.
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