Should I move in with boyfriend and his mother?

Yeah, butt, I LOVE HIM! So very much....

Omg. What if this were my granddaughter asking me this question?
My answer would have been the same as earlier.

My door would always be open for when she needed to escape to save herself. Ashlyn, is that you?

Shall we push her? Off the cliff, I mean.
Please don't make me fully explain my former psychiatrist's reasoning for this concept.

Because I won't. The poster has not returned, has already moved in by now, or would be writing back thanking us for our experienced advice. The rationale she used was: "What do those nosy, old biddies know, it won't happen to me....duh...."

OHhhhhhhhh no! Don't do it! Rainmom is absolutely correct. You should be enjoying life at your age and this sounds like you will end up being a mom to both your boyfriend and his mother. You will end up being housekeeper, cook, financial supporter and have way too much responsibility for two people who will end up depending on you. You should have independence, not dependents, privacy and freedom, not responsibilities 24/7 in your home. Your boyfriend is very young, but not too young to have started to set goals and made plans for a career - and he hasn't. What has he done from age 17-21 that shows you he has taken any steps in that direction, or matured? Take it from someone who has been around the block a few times. This is not a good thing for you. Its a good thing for him and his mother.

I remember a post about something sort of like this and the OP came back and told us we were all mean and just jealous

RUN! This is a situation that will never have a good ending for you. You are way too young to sacrifice the best years of your life for this guy. You will not regret getting away. He and his mom will survive without you.

But at least nobody's arguing, then! :)

48 posts, less one from the OP, and we all agree it's not the best idea. But there is no point to it all if nobody is listening any more.

Well, it's hard not to shout "Don't!" when you see someone perched on the edge of the cliff, intending to jump! I don't think it's so bad to be "shrill" (and is that a term we use only for women? never heard men being called "shrill," they are just "forceful"...!) I stand by my comments without apology.

Good advice, Cwillie.

Oh for pete's sake people, KotriApple hasn't been back for days, and frankly we are all starting to sound like a bunch of shrill old busy bodies.

Let it go already !!!

STOP giving him money. Then see what happens. That will tell you about what you can expect for the rest of your life if you continue to make him a priority.
As someone here said so well, just because you "love" someone, doesn't mean that s/he is the right person to spend your life with. You can love him all you want, but don't pay him for the privilege and don't intertwine your life with his.
Been there, done that, mostly because it was "easier" than creating a life of my own. This does not end well for anyone.

8/29/16 KotriApple: If your reason for moving in with b/f and his narcissistic mother is because your own home life is bad, then you REALLY MUST rethink your life. Others have suggested to rent a room-a possibility right there!

8/29/16 OldBob1936: Yes, I already suggested the scenario "what if the OP gets pregnant?" That would really throw a wrench into the works!

Q. Should I move in with my boyfriend and his mother?
A. You are going to do what you are going to do.
The really great young person I told this to once divorced within a year.
Ask yourself some questions, then you decide:
Does he carry a backpack, keeping it near him at all times?
Are you dependent on him for anything?
Why do you want to spend your money on him instead of saving it for yourself?
Is your boyfriend the only one interested in you for sex, or are you deserving of a man who will love you, even marry you within the next two years (arbitrary number, but shorter than 5 years of dating?
Do you secretly desire marriage but are going about it all wrong, thinking you will change him?
Is there any reason why you don't want to be happy?
Why did you ask your question, having doubts about what is real?
If you move in, are you still going to come to us for advice?

Get out of this situation NOW. You are not a servant. You are not obligated to support him, his family, or anyone but yourself. This is your life, not theirs. Get out and make something of yourself. You are worth so much more than that.

Too right Bob, too right! Experience win out in this situation, but as young adults, I know that I made some bad choices, like getting married at 20, having 2 kids in quick succession, and then realizing that he was the wrong guy! Thank God my family was there for me to help me to guide me out of that situation! I hope the OP listens to what those of us with those experiences have said, I really do! Now 32 years later, with an education and the Right guy, its easynto look back and see what I did wrong!

I already posted earlier in this thread and suggested you should RUN.

Question: The MANY responses to your question are overwhelmingly in favor of getting away from the situation fast...As in NOW fast..

Aside from your emotional needs of wanting something better for yourself in this complicated situation with a bad current homelife, are you STILL trying to figure out how to make it work (somehow.) ?

I can tell you how to make it much worse: Move in and have a baby...

If you follow YOUR own best thinking you may find that it was not good thinking...I suggest you follow the BEST thinking of those who are offering advice in this thread...We've been there...Experience is a hard schoolmaster...we all have offered you better suggestions. A homeless shelter may be better for you than continuing to live at home with mean stepdad or with "all play no work" BF....Rent a room in an established family situation...offer to do some house work to reduce your cost....find a couple of stable folks and go together and be roommates in a modest apartment. I was 23 once. Seems like yesterday..Now I'm 80...Made a few more good decisions than bad ones along the way but had I listened to wisdom of experienced other folk, I'd have had a smoother ride until now..

Grace + Peace,
Bob

KotriApple: Do not move in! If his mother is "capable of taking care of herself" then HELLO ... why isn't she?! Your boyfriend doesn't like working? What does he expect...you to earn the bread?!! What were to happen if you were to get pregnant?

No, you will become the one that takes care of her. Your boyfriend is unlikely to start enjoying working down the road. You are young, maybe look for someone who is has more drive to improve his self. Good luck.

Google frontal lobe development. You'll find that the ability to reason isn't fully developed until the mid 20's. That's how young people get into so much trouble early on. Add a younger brother and a sick MIL, and a BF who wants to live off of $500 a month and you and then perhaps an infant with that BF and you've got way more than the perfect storm. At 23 it's time to buckle down and get a career started. If you decide that you want to support a family after getting yourself started I'm sure the chances of picking back up with this BF will still be pretty good. And consider this. You subsidizing him by feeding him etc is not going to help him grow up, quiet the opposite. He needs someone that expects him to man up and go to work. Save the money you are spending on him to go to therapy and work through this desire to self sabatoge. And in case I didn't say it plan enough, No it's not a good idea. But I think you already know that.
Good luck.

He should be working 40-50 hours a week. His mother should be taking care of herself. And you should have enough self-worth to know you deserve better than this situation. Anything less for the three of you and you are cheating yourselves and those around you.

You asked if the situation you're contemplating moving into is "normal" and the answer is no, it is not. Your BF is not "stuck" - he is choosing to stay; he is not her captive.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders despite not having good role models to watch and learn from in your own home. Moving in with your BF and his mother will be a H-U-G-E step in the wrong direction.

You are so very young and articulate! Invest in yourself rather than in their home. Spend your money on yourself rather than enabling their dysfunctional relationship. Put your money into what you can control - yourself and your behavior and your choices and your decisions and your life - rather than becoming the third wheel in their family.

Absolutely do not move in. This is actually not about them, it's about YOU. You seem to be a very capable person BUT STOP and recognize that you have a very strong Rescuer / Enabler thing going on here. Learn about that in yourself so that you won't get even more hooked into trying to fix this toxic situation. It will ultimately hurt them as well as you. Believe me, you've got to learn about these dynamics so you can stop and find healthy boundaries. It's very hard, I know, but if you don't, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery, of trying to "help" (control)l, of ending up feeling resentful and unappreciated, and he ends up feeling resentful and controlled. Learn about co-dependency, boundaries, the drama triangle (mother is the persecutor, he is the victim, you are the rescuer) and do NOT jump farther into this dysfunctional situation. You are young so it's important to address these things in yourself NOW instead of trapping yourself in a situation that will suck up your life for X years that you will regret. In fact, you should try to detach yourself from the situation and let them deal with their problems. Yes, let him grow up. As long as you are there interfering, things will never get to the point where they will deal with it themselves. It is not your responsibility! It's hard to understand how your urge to "help" can be destructive all around, but it can, because it will prevent them from growing by handling their own problems.. I can see it all so perfectly after I've spent a lifetime sucked into it myself . It starts by being an intelligent, capable person who somehow (in their own childhood) is putting others first and feeling value from it. It's especially hard because you do feel value from helping, as well as a sense of superiority (that one was hard for me to "get"), which means he will feel a sense of inferiority (victim) which will make him resentful. Then he can do all kinds of passive aggressive things (like not get a job) to express his resentment and you are stifling his growth. I speak from experience. (And here I am, trying to rescue YOU - but no, it's ok because I'm not going to be moving in with you and trying to make sure you do these things. lol But, really, it's very hard to see these things in yourself and it's hard not to step in when you see their problems so clearly but please focus on yourself and learn the difference between helping and enabling. You hate their situation but it will only change if you stay out of it. Seems weird, but true. Like the whole deal about how we spend so much energy trying to change other people, when the only person we can actually change is ourself (and look how hard that is!). The irony is that changing ourself can actually end up changing others (because we've changed they have to change how they deal with us) but the focus is changing ourselves, not them. Fascinating, really, but I wish I'd realized it much sooner. He will grow up faster and feel better about himself if you let him figure it out, which may take a while, but you jumping in to control will only make it take longer. You care and you want to fix it but you can't fix it without controlling it and they won't like being controlled. Don't do it!!! Get rid of the dysfunction and build a healthy relationship with yourself so that you can use your strengths to benefit your own life. Learn to let go. Learn how to help in nondysfunctional ways. Study and understand the drama triangle and TED (The Empowerment Dynamic) - it will benefit the entire rest of your life. Very important at your age to learn now. Good luck!

Blackhole makes some excellent points. Beware of devoting too many years into a relationship in which you are not a priority for your partner. Sacrificing and being second fiddle is not something you do in your 20's. You may get lots of advice, but unless you truly internalize healthy goals, they won't mean much. Finding people who help boost your confidence and inspire you to live happily and independently would be a start.

I think that if I were in your boyfriend's situation, I don't think that I would want someone that I cared about to move in with me. I think I would want better for them. I'd question his motivations. Oh, also, don't forget to check on the benfits she's receiving. If you or your boyfriend make too much money, it could cut her benefits, because the household may have too much income. That would actually be a huge concern for me.

A "better" abnormal is still abnormal. Please resist the temptation to get caught up in BF and his mother's web. They will suck you dry.

Strike out on your own with a roommate or two. Or perhaps a situation where you rent a room in someone's home (someone established, like a retiree or professional who travels for work.....not a flophouse or craigslist "commune."). Would you consider being a live-in nanny?

At any rate, find an affordable living situation that is not linked to your family or BF's family. Be financially independent. And direct your income at your needs -- not anyone else's.

Try dating BF, crazy as it sounds. No financial support. No co-caregiving. Just dating. This means that you two spend time together on your own terms. This also means that an evening at his/mom's house watching Netflix while Mama cries out for this and that is not a date. Understand?

There is a good chance that BF is too enmeshed with his mother to be a true partner and true companion to you. If that's the case, cut ties. It will be difficult, because he is all you know. But you will be the better for it.

It is time for you to start YOUR life. Not a shadow of someone else's. I also urge to to find some no-cost or low-cost counseling. Check your city and county resources. Your home life has, unfortunately, conditioned you to not value yourself. Without professional support, you will continue to shortchange yourself by setting the bar too low. Break the cycle now.

I wish you luck. This is not easy. But quite frankly, you are too young to be somebody's paycheck and ad-hoc nurse's aid. You deserve to live your life -- for you, on your own terms.

You are so young. Don't let a bad decision made when you are only 23 affect the arc of your life! Other posters have excellent points.

One poster touched on the fact that you might have to care for your parents at some point. Yes, your stepfather is wealthy, but what if he dies and his money doesn't go to your mother? Then what happens to her? Will you be responsible for her? Certainly if she knows your are caregiving for a boyfriend's mother, it will be expected by all that you will do the caregiving for her. And what if your mother dies first? I certainly hope you won't be guilted into caregiving for your abusive stepfather?

Age 23 is a great time to start knowing yourself better, and to respect yourself more. There is a big world out there, and you deserve better than some 21 year-old who puts up with abuse from his mother (and who expects that you will put up with it, also).

Run. Run fast.

Do not move in. Absolutely not. You asked for advice and everyone has said NO. You are asking for a nightmare if you do not listen to this advice.

You should listen to the song, "Scrubs," by TLC. God bless you, hope you take the good advice the others are giving you.