My mother is currently residing in an ALF in Ohio. Although, the facility is beautiful and the care is wonderful, she feels she is in “jail”. She has beautiful accommodations and at this time has her own furniture, 55” TV, etc...

However, I live in California and not able to visit often. My communication is limited with her as she will get combative and emotionally abusive as the conversation progresses and she doesn’t get her own way. I’ve tried to divert the conversation, even agree with her, but it gets to the point that I will have to terminate the phone call. However, that behavior is not new, it has been most of my life. Dementia has made it much worse. And, that being said, she has alienated friends and some family members to the point that they don’t want to visit her any longer.

According to her, no one comes to visit her. I’m not sure what is the truth about that. She has had a pattern of distorting the facts as long as I’ve known her...although that realization of her behavior only became apparent in the recent past after comparing accounts of facts with my brother.

Both my brother and I share POA and are in total agreement as to her healthcare and her financial matters. At this time though, he is estranged from her. He lives close by to her, and he and I are in contact regularly with the ALF as to her care, etc. But, he has no personal contact with our mother...

So, unfortunately, as she sees her “friends” at the ALF have their children visit, she gets a bit jealous and sad as her children cannot or don’t visit her. We have a family friend that has been taking her to appointments and does some shopping errands for her and some companionship. But, as she says, it’s not her children.

She has been asking to move out to California to live closer to me. Right now, she’s being sweet as she knows that guilt button to push. I told her I would look into it.

So, with this info, my question is what affect will that kind of move have on her, and me? Also, she is getting a benefit from the VA to assist financially in her care facility in the ALF. How will that move affect that benefit? If she does move near me, she would not be able to bring all her furniture and belongings and things that are familiar to her.

Any guidance for me?

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Totally agree with CM do not move Mom to CA.
There is a very good reason your brother won't visit do you want that to be your reason too. Leopards don't change their spots!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Veronica91

Agree, leave her where she is. The move will worsen the situation. You will not have a life and she will continue her abuse. All her insurance will have to be changed. Keep her where she is.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29

I want to second what CountryMouse just said.

Your mother will be unhappy no matter where she lives. The best thing might be to get her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist; sometimes antidepressant meds help folks like this. Not always, Just sometimes.

It sounds like you've lived a lifetime of "anything you do is wrong", correct?

It's not going to change. Please leave her where she is. If there is a faith community nearby, there might be folks who see it as their mission to visit those who have no family nearby, or willing to see them.

We reap what we sow.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

You are thinking of moving your mother from an excellent ALF where your brother has her wellbeing under close supervision while maintaining his own personal protective boundaries to somewhere, heaven knows where, nearer you just so that you can stand in the same room to be abused by her instead of taking it over the phone?

You are kidding, right?

Okay, let's have a good think about it no.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Countrymouse

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