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Mom is 88 yrs old, legally blind with progression, from ALF of 13 months after bad fall in home to MC 2 weeks ago. Repeated falls and confusion, sleeping all day if no one is present. Mother has advancing macular degeneration with hallucinations. I am her POA, HCS, etc and have been her primary caregiver for 15 yrs. after my father died. Responsible for finances, all shopping, Downsizing home and selling it, etc. She has dementia, advancing. Adult siblings do not understand nor help with any of the above nor see her decline- 3 of 5 live out of town and only one visits who fully gets it. Balancing full time work and family but so angry my sibs do not visit and then question what I am doing. I'm exhausted mentally and often physically. Trying to focus on best care/decisions for our mother while ignoring “the noise” but it is hard some days. Wish all could see this is the “time to mother her” vs. having “her mother us.” Any advice appreciated.

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If they truly cared about her welfare, they would come see her. What they see is you selling her home to pay for memory care, thinking "why doesn't she just keep mom at home so she doesn't have to pay all that money". In order words, they are concerned about their inheritance, if any. You're doing great - keep it up.
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Reply to katiekat2009
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Thanks to all of you for validating what I am doing and feeling. You have brought me to tears, truly. Will continue to do what I feel is best for my mother and rest a bit easier in doing so. In spite of the bring her primary caregiver “boots on the ground”, I am the lucky one to be with her in this path. The support would be nice for me but also for my mother- this is what kicks me in the gut. Can only answer for myself though snd my siblings to themselves. Very grateful for this “online family” who share their experiences.
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Reply to Annie20
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Annie20, I agree with comments that say you don't owe anyone an explanation when they haven't been involved. When I voluntarily took control of my MIL and stepFIL's trainwreck, I wanted to make sure my actions were above reproach and none of the other siblings could ever say "I didn't know..." So I sent out daily email updates (because at that time I was helping 2 people, broke, demented, resistant) and it was a full-time job for 1-1/2 yrs. They didn't ask for the updates but that doesn't matter -- they didn't know what they didn't know. The updates were brief, with no emotional content or opinion-based commentary. Just bulleted items or a paragraph summary, complete with the reasons for the decisions/actions and price of whatever was required, who I spoke to at the county or doc's office, etc. I sent one out every day I did something for them. As a result the other siblings and step-siblings had a full understanding of their parents' condition, the efforts it took to help them, and made obvious areas where I needed help, even if I didn't overtly ask. They volunteered more, sent money unsolicited, acted way more appreciative or just stopped beefing over minutiae. I realize you don't need 1 more thing to do, but this is a good passive-aggressive (and cathartic!) strategy. Blessings to you!
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Reply to Geaton777
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Tell the sibs that you are not open to their questions and that you wish they would visit their Mom more in these, her last years. That is all you can do. Tell them what you have just told us if they persist, that doing all of this alone has exhausted you, and you do not have the time, the will nor the wish to discuss things with them.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I’m sorry you’re going through this. There’s no substitute for experience and you have much experience with your mom's care and condition. Don’t doubt that as you make decisions that are in her best interests. Those who aren’t involved and haven’t been “in it” don’t get to tell you that your decisions are wrong now. I know it’s hard to tune it out, but please don’t feel the need to justify yourself. Keep as a constant mantra that you’ve been in it, make good choices that will benefit your mom, and let the rest go. Don’t get trapped into explaining or defending to others, just care for mom in her new setting, and blessings to you as you do
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Sorry you're going through this. Like it's not enough to deal with your mother's decline but to have siblings being so ignorant or in denial of the facts of the situations. BUT this is VERY common.

I would come up with a standard answer to your siblings questioning and challenging you. "Yes, I know it's hard to imagine that mom is in this horrible condition. This is what her doctor's and her previous ALF have suggested and I agree that it is the best thing for mom at this time." Case closed.

So, I would do my best to ignore them and focus on your mom and making sure she's getting the best care she can get in MC. AND focus on YOU. Take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy and healthy and do good things for yourself too!
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Reply to againx100
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