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Mom has been in assisted living for 1 1/2 years and recently broke her left foot in 2 places---Last year before she moved here from NJ she broke her other foot--she has had various falls in the past several years. She also has dementia Lvl 4-5 and has been diagnosed as physchotic for which she is taking medication for also among other problems diabetes etc. She is very demanding , unreasonable and only thinks of her self-this is nothing new and she has been this way her entire life---as he always said "children are to be seen and not heard"----She's never had any friends and got divorced at 50 and lived alone in a studio apt for 35 years! A virtual recluse!! Anyway, I have been her lifeline all her life---but now I am her enemy, too! She is just a nasty nasty person----Now the retirement home wants to keep her in nursing because of incontenence dementia and refusing to go to therapy for her foot. I have to close her apartment because I can't afford that and pay for nursing too! When I move some of her furniture to her nursing room she is going to freak out as she thinks she's going back to her apt in assisted living.... i am actually sick to my stomach about how she is going to react -she has never been resonable about anything and I suspect she has had mental issues her entire life from what I hear from her ex-sister in law--I have been depressed and upset ever since she moved here----I really don't want to face this--- Any sugestions?

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I agree that you need a third party to be the person to tell her - the doctor, a minister or Rabbi, an old friend (if she has one). You need someone to back you up. At least have the administrator of the home be with you and just say this is how it is. Your apartment has been rented to someone else, and we need to move what you want to keep into this room. Normally, I vote for a gentle approach, but this doesn't sound like a time when that will work. Good luck,
Carol
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I agree with alwayslearning. Seems like you have a handful to deal with and why make matters worse. If mom has dementia and will never be going back to assisted living, why even move her furniture to the nursing home. Maybe just bring her chair or small table and tell her that the rest is at the assisted living,(even though you clean out the room) but you wanted her to have her favorite items with her while she was at the nursing home. Bring her pictures and personal stuff and tell her you want her to have some familiar things around and tell her this way they are safe with her instead of being left in the room at the assisted living. Why put any more pressure or stress on yourself - with this situation you "should" come out looking like you're trying to help her and doing the best for her. Although I know how hard that is - I'm an only child and mom was always on my case too - I was told by her psychiatrists and social workers that the elderly always blame and act harsh to their caregiver - the one they are closest to - reason? they know that no matter how badly they treat us - we'll still be there for them. Unlike their friends, or staff - who they're very sweet with (at least my mom was) and I was told that's because they know if they mistreat them they won't come back.
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How about a doctor that will be the bad guy? Got someone besides yourself that will look her in the eye and tell her she can NEVER go home again? I'd say to rip the bandaid off and tell her outright that this is it. What she makes of her new circumstances are totally in her control, not yours. She's gonna be madder than a wet hen you already know that, so just tell her. Then get out of the way and let her vent. It is what it is, and it's a bummer.
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Why move her furniture into her nursing room at all? If she has dementia she can go ahead and go on believing she's going back to her apartment forever.
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It is heart rendering to have someone dear to us whom we love dearly to be in such a troubling mental state. My dear wife is now aged 79 and I have been her primary caregiver for the past 20 plus years. For the first 15 or so years neither myself nor our three daughters failed to understand that she had this terrible ailment and today I often wonder how I could have missed this afflictioon as it slowly but inexorably destroyed her abilty to think rationally As her dementia took over it was so gradual that we did not fathom what was happening.

Now, I have learned a lot. I simply do not discuss things that upset her. I cannot understand why one would feel compelled to present the bad news that she cannot handle. Then I recalled a case (I am a retired lawyer) where a client for whom I had been court appointed as guardian was incapacitatedand wanted so dearly to go home from the care facility and would beg me to help her. I knew that she would never go home but I could not bring myself to tell her that so I told my bedfast ward that as soon as she was strong enough to go to the bathroom by herself I would take her to her home. It worked. I visited her every few days and complimented he on her progress, which of course. was negative. This really calmed her but what would be gained by telling her the sad news?

Now when my wife asks me to take her to her mother's place -- she died at least 40 tears ago -- I tell my wife that I do not remember her mother's address and I assured her that I would except I did't recall the address.. Then I . ask my wife what is it..End of discussion. No tears no worries.

It is a hard thing to realize that a person wo love so much, and my heart actually aches as I write this, has regressed to where she has the ability to thing as a four year old might.. One must treat this loved one as one of our own children and I am confident that you will share the happiness of seeing a far happier person in place of what you had before.

It is not that the answer isn't obvious, it is that we cannot bring ourselves to realize the helplessness of one who is not the same person who was once our parent or practically one.
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((((((((treading))))))))) - I know what having a narcissistic, mean mum is like. And, yes, as naheation says, she will be mad no matter what you do. What's new? I have recently, and that means it has taken me a lot of years, come to the point of survival for me, so that I cannot allow myself to be that affected by her as much. It takes too big a toll on my health. The stress you are under will do that to you too. I think the suggestion from Carol is a very good one. They tend to "perform" to other people - though not always. In any case, it has to be done and you are not to blame for anything. I have had to emotionally distance myself from my mum and to do that involves accepting who and how she is, grieving the nurturing supportive mum I never had, and protecting myself from the anger and nastiness. She has a disease called Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism. As an aside, I think these mental illnesses are not diagnosed anywhere near as often as they occur, and that is detrimental to those of us who have to deal with them. My mother is 99, and she was diagnosed only a few years ago. They are very resistant to any kind of therapy. I had done an informal diagnosis a long time ago, and was glad to have it confirmed. Remember you are not responsible for her happiness nor for the reaction she has to these changes. Someone on a personality disorder board once said that the ideal is detachment with compassion. I am not there yet, but closer than i was. I totally understand that you don't want to face this, but it looks like you don't have any alternative to that. Prepare yourself before you go, for her reaction. Think of how you are going to respond to her anger. If you are inclined, though not a long term solution, an antianxiety med could help you through this. Draw boundaries for yourself. For example, I would be straight with her and tell her that you will leave any time she freaks out or gets nasty and then do it - quickly - no matter if the furniture is in the middle of the room. There is no reason you have to stay and take that kind of behaviour. It is amazing how they can modify their behaviour, if it pays off. You are caring for her, but you do not have to put up with abuse, which is what this is, and always has been. If you or she can afford to hire someone to do some of what you have been doing, that is a good route too, Mother has an ex nurse who "has her number" who does things for her, and mother appreciates her. I stay away as much as possible. There is much more history for me and her, and more buttons for her to push which she does not hesitate to do.
Let us know how it goes, and come back for more support. You will find it here. ((((((((hugs))))))) Joan
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Absolutely do not tell her. She has dementia and needs to be handled with "gentle fibs". My Mom is similar andis in a NH and wants NOTHING from home. If we bring anything it means that she has accepted her new living situation. (4 months in NH) She has vascular dementia and heart and other problems....but she WANTS TO COME HOME. Save yourself grief and avoid the subject if you can. alwayslearning is absolutely correct.
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Thanks to all for the support! They are moving some of her things to her room today and I am staying away until the dust settles....Will let you know how it goes!
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I agree with alwayslearning. They don't need the extra clutter in a nursing home setting.
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Just saw the previous post, and I do agree with that as a strategy too, if you think she will "buy it". My mother wouldn't and would see through it in a minute, but she does not have dementia. You will know best how your mum would take this. Sometimes peole can be "eased" into their new situation. Good luck!
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