How do I motivate my mom to help herself? - AgingCare.com

How do I motivate my mom to help herself?

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My mother is relatively young (54) and I'm also relatively young (30). She has always been on the edge of financial ruin, with my "lending" her money, but now she has quit her job. Her job provided health insurance (helps with her COPD), and of course, money.
Now she has no job, no health insurance, no home, and no money. She will not help me with getting her onto state aid; admits defeat and doesn't do anything. I can only do so much for her, in terms of actually setting everything up.
Now she lives with her sister and I "hire" her to clean my house once a week (which she has reverted to doing almost nothing but smoking and complaining about my aunt).
What can I do? I pay her money and my aunt wants me to continue this to get her out of the house, but I don't have much money and my house isn't getting cleaned. I also have to balance my husband's feelings about her and my very young son (and I plan to be pregnant soon).
She tells me that she has put in applications for jobs, but with out a high school education, and her COPD, her choices are limited. Because she quit her job, she doesn't get unemployment (she gets rejected).
I understand that my mom does have some emotional issues, stemming from childhood and things of that nature, but, that can only carry my understanding so far.
Also, she seems to lie. She has lied about starting up smoking again, she lied to the doctor about how much alcohol she's drinking (think 6 beers at night before bed or a whole bottle of wine), she claims its "social drinking".
I work full time, as does my husband and my aunt.

I just want some tips, in general on how to make things a little bit easier for me. She likes to refer to herself as everyone's b*tch and now that her situation is what it is, she has no choice. Sorry for the language (just a direct quote). But, what she doesn't seem to take ownership over, is how she put herself in this position. She is supremely ungrateful for the roof over her head, the food in her belly, and the car she gets to drive around. I understand that she has lost her independence, having her own home, and the ability to do whatever she wants, but dealing with her sort of snide comments and the stressors of every day life, plus the stress of getting her health and state aid sorted out is driving me a little to the edge.

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Ismiami pointed out some great topics. She may well consider herself a victim. But what I also see is a significant depression. She's getting older, her body is wearing out, she's unemployed (thinks she's unemployable), and she's not seeing an enjoyable future. She needs to discuss this with her doctor. Her problems are normal for anybody her age but it could be overwhelming her - and getting on an anti-depressant may help. It would help if she would also see a counselor but I definitely would encourage her to see the doctor first. She may need the additional help in pulling herself up - and there's nothing for her to be ashamed of about it. MANY people need help all the time. The hard part is admitting it. Good luck!!
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Mom sees herself as a victim. Maybe she had a rough childhood, maybe not as tough as others. I suspect she never did much to get past it. No doubt she has emotional blocks. The evidence is that she has COPD and is smoking.
Your mom has allowed herself to be her own victim, and to be life's victim. You cannot allow her to make you her victim as well.

Tell mom you need to save money for your next baby, you cannot keep her employed after x more months, tell her she needs to apply for a job. Fill out the applications if you have to. Use your phone number, so you will be able to make her follow up.

Frankly, your mom may be lethargic, depressed, lazy or any combination, but she needs to pull herself up, else the burden is on you.

Good luck
L
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