Mother has 9 kids, most kids and POA want to place her in home but I want to care for her at home. Can I win the battle? - AgingCare.com

Mother has 9 kids, most kids and POA want to place her in home but I want to care for her at home. Can I win the battle?

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Mom is in pretty good physical shape, some short term memory loss. Needs help with bath etc.

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We need a lot more information to answer this question. If Mom needs help bathing, etc., I have a feeling there are some fairly serious issues. Duke, it may be that your siblings think your mother would receive better care and have a better chance of socializing if she were in a facility. I would pay attention to their logic and not let emotions rule in this situation. Do you think she could receive better care in a facility? Are there any nice ones around -- maybe one that has a friend or two? Many modern facilities are not the same as the nursing homes of last century.

Personally, if I were given the option of living around peers or with one of my children, there would be no contest. Peers are a lot more fun and children can visit on weekends. :-)
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If you take her in against siblings wishes, do not expect them to take turns in order to relieve you.....you will be committing to this in your own. It is a complete lifestyle change.
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My BIL wants to take his mother in. Of course trout season opens April 1 and he has no intentions of interrupting his fishing. He just assumes his wife will handle the loose ends.
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Can you win the battle? I suppose it is possible, but it will take a lot of effort and a lot of luck.

Please make this resolution right now: if you decide to fight for it, accept the outcome, whatever it is, gracefully. Don't fight in such a way that it destroys your relationships with your sibs.

I'd say that the odds are tipped against you, especially with the POA in favor of placement. On the other hand, unless mother is declared incompetent by a court, even the POA can't force her to live where she doesn't want to.

Why do they want her in a home? Why are they against her living with you?

Could you come to a compromise? (Always taking mother's wishes into account, of course.) What if you approached them by saying, "I know that eventually Mom is going to need more care than we can give her. But I don't think that time has come yet. Let's see how she does living with me for 6 months, and then reevaluate the situation in at the end of September."

What are the reasons Mom can't continue to live alone?

When our mom reached the point where living on her own, even with increasing help, was not safe we were preparing to find assisted living for her. Then one sister retired and decided she'd like to have Mom move in with her. We were all in favor of that, and we helped in various ways. It worked pretty well to start with but Mom's health and dementia got worse. After 14 months we moved Mom into a nursing home. I think living with my sister was a wonderful transition period for Mother, but it would have been a disaster to continue indefinitely.

In our case, the custodial sister had support from the rest of the family. That is ideal, but it doesn't match the dynamics in all families. If you "win" by convincing the others, or by simply ignoring them and moving her in with you, what kind of help can you expect from them?

I'm just a tiny bit concerned that you may be somewhat in denial. Normal aging and slight memory problems don't usually inspire family to jump into "let's place her" mode. Could they be seeing something in your mom's condition that you may be missing? Who sees her most often? How often do you spend time with her?
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Duke, you say " place her in a home". What are her needs? What level of care does she require? What are her diagnoses? Is she medically stable or does she have some progressive condition (s)? Has she had a cognitive evaluation? Does she have any underlying psychiateic conditions? What financial resources does she have to pay for caregiving?

There are several different levels of care facilities that your siblings might be talking about, i.e. Independent Living, Assisted Living, Skilled Nursing Care.

Lastly, what stage of your career/retirement are you in? Would you move in with mom, or she with you? How will you be compensated ? Can mom afford private caregivers when you need a break, need to do grocery shopping or have a dentist appointment?

Just some questions to chew on.
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Be careful what you ask for. This would be much harder than you could ever imagine.
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Duke, may I ask how old is your Mom? Your profile says she has general age decline. And she also has some short term memory loss which is normal depending on her age. What are the reasons that the majority of your siblings want Mom in a professional environment? And the big question, what does your Mom want to do?

Once a parent reaches a certain age, every new year is now like 10 years. Age decline comes quickly. I saw that happening with my parents. They went from walking 2 miles a day to needing canes and walkers within a 5 year span. I went from having wonderful conversations with Mom to her no longer being able to hear even with a hearing aid. A major fall could become life threatening, as it was with my Mom.

Mom passed and Dad is now in Independent/Assisted Living and he is so happy there. He has his independence but he is still surrounded by help any time he needs it. And he is among his peers so they can talk about the Great Depression, actors, music, etc.
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Well if you are not working and are willing to be with her 24/7 and 365 days a year, it might be doable. If you can afford to renovate your home to make it a handicap toilet and a walk-in shower and there's a first floor bedroom and bath, perhaps. If you are able to change a dirty diaper without throwing up, give it a shot.
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