What do I do about my Mother's hostile and possibly abusive companion? - AgingCare.com

What do I do about my Mother's hostile and possibly abusive companion?

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My mother has just been diagnosed with Parkinsons and accompanying dementia. She has lived with a male companion for the last 9 years. He is very controlling, and possibly verbally abusive. He wrote to me and told me I should move my mother to where I live, and he would remain in her house until it is sold. He requested also a "fee" for separating, and linked this to the improvements on the house that he has made. Luckily they live in a state where there is no common law marriage! He has no income, and has been living off of my mother. Now he has to care for her too, and he doesn't really want to. She hadn't seen a doctor about her dementia until I intervened. I live very far away, and don't quite know what to do. I have POA and the Health POA. My mother doesn't fully trust this man, as she did not put him on her HIPPA nor on the Health POA. With the exception of one small bank account, she also does not let him know about her finances. I worry though that with her dementia he will try to request funds from her, as he has done from me. My mother does not want him to leave, and made this very clear, and he too said he will not leave unless my mother tells him to. What can I do to remove him from the picture, and take care of my mother the way she should be cared for?

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The sticking point really is the freeloader. If your mother is conflicted about him, that's going to affect whatever you do. Do you have any insights into why she's afraid of him but still wants him to be there? Is she afraid of being alone? That might be a valid concern if she has a sense that she's changing in her mental focus, or perhaps she feels uncertain physically b/c of the Parkinson's.

What you can do is contact the local police and ask them if this man has a criminal record. If he does, it might be easier to convince your mother that he needs to go.

I do think a visit is in order to get a DPOA and Living Will so that the decision making authority is in your hands, before the freeloader tries to get it from your mother (and there's no guarantee that he won't try to persuade her even if she does execute documents in your favor).

And given that she's been diagnosed with dementia, it's important to get those documents sooner rather than later. Find an attorney in her area (there are plenty of posts here on how to find one but post again if you're uncertain about this process).

I also think she needs to just get out of the house and the area, away from the guy, and closer to you.

Another possibility is to ask the local APS to intervene, indicating that you think she's being verbally abused and manipulated. It might not be sufficient grounds for them to take action, but at least they'd have to do an investigation.

Do you know any of the neighbors who could provide some insight into this man and why he's important to your mother? Could they also share any observations they may have had as to his treatment of your mother?

I wish you luck; this is really a tough one and it may come to the point that you have to be forceful in removing your mother to a safer situation closer to you and getting police assistance to evict the guy.
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Sorry....hit post too soon......

Pay for the care she may need and keep a close eye on transactions. This guy doesn't want to care for her, he just wants a place to stay. You may not be able to pull it off right now but think about getting her in assited living near you, boot this guy out of the house, (Be sure to get the locks changed) and prepare it to be sold. She will need money for care most likely.

Start laying track for the future which will show up faster than you think.
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She is going to get worse and eventually need in home care or assited living. Her dementia may progress very slowly or come on quickly. It's good that she does not allow this guy access to her finances but that may change as she worsens.

You are able to control things somewhat now but maybe not for long. Go see mom and appraise the situation. Talk to her about you taking over her finances. If she's aggreeable, use your POA and get paperwork from her banks so the she can add you as joint on her accounts. Then you can pay bills, pay for Clare she may need
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Can your mother afford in home care? Can you arrange that from a distance?

If not, you're going to have to tell mom that remaining in her home is not one of the options on the table. I would consult an eldercare, Medicaid savvy lawyer about paying the companion for the work he has done on the house.

One other option is hiring a geriatric care manager with mom's funds to manage this.
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I should have added that my mother would like to stay in her home. Unfortunately, as long as she says she wants him there, I'm not sure I can easily evict him.
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There are two separate things here, what your mom needs care wise and the guy.

What does mom need in terms of care? How can you best access thst? Should she be in a care center near you? Probably.

Why not get mom's care squared away, simultaneously starting eviction proceedings against the "boyfriend". I would consult a lawyer about the eviction process.
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