Why do so many mothers emotionally blackmail their grown children with fear, obligation, and guilt?

The worst "situation" I have ever witnessed was when a mother said to her daughter "If you want your share of the inheritance you will do etc etc etc" I was horrified. Manipulation at its best!!

The threat of withdrawing Money Or self anihilation must be the ultimate threat. It keeps you dangling . Moreover it tells you how much your care is appreciated. Maybe resilience and perseverance are the only two options left. If you can wisely share this work with others (need to talk with others who are open to commit to scheduled times) largely leaving mother out of this communication loop. Then presenting this new exciting change to your mother as an added extra. Just a suggestion

It is interesting in Susan Forwards book (Emotion Blackmail) she suggests that the first thing that one has to learn is one of timing. Ie don't respond straight away (whether it is demands, making you angry,undermining your confidence or any communication intending hurt). 'I will think about it and talk to you later'. You will need to tolerate your intense feelings and you will have to bite your tounge.Secondly, she suggest you stand back and become an observer, ie., stand back and watch the repetitive patters of behaviour and interactions. You must observe how you feel and tolerate these feelings. Move politely on with your agenda. I think if you want things to change others will not do that for you. Therefore, as difficult it is, plan your day as best you can , know that you are going to have your hot buttons pushed - but run your own agenda. Be polite, firm, bite your tounge , observe your own emotions and acknowledge them -push through with you agenda

Hei, i' ve been reeding several sittes, because i really feel like my mum has ways a control over me when i was a little kid she wouldnt spent any time with me, insted she would spent with other family member and let them ridicularize me in public, and call me lazy and over the year the things went dont the hill i coudnt have a proper partiner, one day a wrote a heartfall lettler putings all my feelings on it and where words " your faut, you was the one who create da distance" . Now im happy in a long year relaxionship i have move out because she kick out about two years ago, and now she complains that i dont she her and when i see her she brings guilty trips about and i've try all kind os drugs to keep my mind out feeling guilty but is really hard:( and i believe to be mess up for life, for those out there dont let that happens to you because this kind od depretion is not healthy

Selwyn45 - what a relief to find out that other people are going through the same feelings as me. My father has just got into intensive care and is very sick. He is my mum's carer. I have moved in for 5 days doing all jobs, cooking etc and when I said I was heading back to my home for 2 days as I had important stuff and she was to be on her own for two nights - she launched at me that if anything happens to her she would never forgive me and that how can I abandon her - its was awful how guilty she made me feel but I am going to stick to these boundaries otherwise she will do it again and again and I will be stuck caring for her the whole time my is in hospital and thereafter if he doesn't make a recovery. Emotional blackmail leaves me feeling so bleak.... it also makes it hard to be around her as she is do needy - its as if she can't recognise or respect my separate life as its all about her .... thanks for your comments they have helped..

I am not the victim of any of that. But, I would guess that people stuck in that situation would naturally gravitate to this web site....seeking kindred spirits and sympathetic ears. Which this web site is great for!

My mother does this to me constantly. I try to be independent and then she goes on a rampage of threatening to cut me off. This is normally the case:
me: "Look I understand I live in your house I live by your rules. However, you are not offering me any other choices."
mother: "I am offering you a choice a free education." (refering to college)
me: "I need a computer or something to work in college and you are completely unwilling to provide privicy or the other."
mom: "You owe me a debt your electronics are my compensation"
me: "My electronics are my only source of income."
mom: "Give them to me or i kick you out and disown you."
Basically this h*ll sh*t goes on i have no choice to give the electronics which are locked inside of a safe.
So yeah. Two words i constantly say to my mother "F*ck You" Note to parents respect your kids and they will respect you.

My mother made us her life. There are probably so many reasons more that she is the way that she is, however my will is much stronger at this point. I'm too old for this sort of crap. I really wish more than anything my mother could have just found her way to the light, however the dark has always been the easier way. So very sad.

It's FOGgy here sometimes. My mother has tried to tell me how I owe HER, because she gave me her car (so I'd become her driver). One time she even said she did babysitting for me (true, that she did, BUT a lot of it she BEGGED to do -- one of my sons was her favorite grandchild, and she would beg to take him for the afternoon or day...invite wasn't extended to my other two), and so I owed it to her to do things for her.

Of course none of my brothers "owe" her anything. Not even the one who lived with my parents without paying any rent in the expensive NYC suburbs until he was 29 and my parents moved down here. He cannot do anything for her, because he is so "busy" and has to have 24/7 Internet access, etc. He hardly even comes to visit now. Of course if I brought this up to her, she would start crying and shaking and telling me how worthless I am. That's what happened when I reminded her that there was a 5-year period in the 2000s when that brother didn't even see my parents for FIVE years.