Why do so many mothers emotionally blackmail their grown children with fear, obligation, and guilt?

Great question, cmagnum!

I believe it can be any one or a combination of the above. Sometimes, it's because the mother never had much of a life outside of her children. Sometimes, it stems from fear because of failing physical and/or mental health. Sometimes it's a personality issue. Whatever the reason, the only way out the caregiver has is to not fall victim to the blackmail. Detaching from this type of treatment can be extremely difficult, and sometimes counseling is necessary. However, if the caregiver can't detach to some degree, there's no way to break the cycle. That being said, we are our parents' children and it's difficult to completely detach from the way they treat us.

Take care,
Carol

Carol, your first point is interesting. I guess that if the mother never had much of a life outside of her children then she might feel some resentment that they left home to have a life of their own, if they ever had that chance because some don't, and also possibly means she did not navigate the empty nest syndrome well either in which too often a couple discovers that they lost each other while raising the children. I guess these moms never reached an adult to adult level of relationship with their adult children. Thanks for your answer.

I'm glad I could help a little. Unfortunately, I've seen this too often. If parents can't see their adult children for who they are - adults - then things can get dicey. It can stress the young marriages as well as the relationship with their own child/children.

As I mentioned, there are other reasons, of course. But this is one I've witnessed.
Thanks again for your comment.
Carol

What continues to baffle me is how come it often works so well! - why do people get shoved around by little old ladies who can't even chase after them, let alone hurt them?

But as I've been told several times now, if you're lucky enough not to know what it's like to have that kind of mother you can't really understand how much power emotional blackmailers can wield. Clearly, it's less painful for the blackmailee to give in to the blackmailer's demands than to tell her where to go, and I suppose it's a lifelong, self-feeding habit. It's also a form of bullying and wants stamping on firmly wherever possible - but that's just my two penn'orth.

CountryMouse it starts when you're a child and powerless. You HAVE to pay attention to your parent, because they wield the power of food and shelter and love and acceptance. I think as some children grow up, they don't understand that the power shifts, and they now have an equal amount of power as their parent - and in most cases, more than the parent, because the parent now needs their help. Mentally they're still five years old, in need of love and support from that manipulative parent. It's really sad. Some threads on here are heartbreaking, because adult children are miserable and don't understand they have the power to change things. And sometimes money is the cudgel used by parents to manipulate their grown children.

I think for my mom, it was because once dad died and her own forgetfulness and "loss" of control set in, she had to blame someone. She had to lean on someone. That is how I choose to feel about it. I would rather pity her than get mad at her. I feel sorry for her. I think she kind of likes it that way because she gets attention from me and "sympathy". Sadly, she does threaten to move away, leave her money to the animal shelter, etc if I don't do what she wants. Then a day later, she recoils when I tell her what she said, stating, "I never said that!" Until I can invent a time machine to take her back to the days dad was alive and she was happy, I think I am stuck.

Because there are decent people who happen to have monsters parents. Parents that have always cared only for themselves and their old age makes it more difficult for their adult children. Short of disowning them, you are stuck with with these monsters until they die. Horrible way to acknowledge a parent, but sometimes it is what it is.

My mom would FOG you and drag you into her depression quagmire until youd snap and belt out a stream of ? ( reprimand ) . this stream would ground her and shed instantly settle down. its like me and the parrot. the parrot will scream bloody murder till i hurl h2o in her face then the game is concluded. she needed a daily shot of bathwater anyway and she'll not only shut up but chuckle as you walk away.
i fail to see the difference between mom and the birds game. they both wanted to make old beard clip cuss. they craved it. i spect it was pretty humorous from their perspectives. ( b**ches !! )

Shakingdustoff - I'm sorry you are going through this - I do empathize and understand what you are going through with these trips to the ER for no reason. My mother has passed, but this was a pattern she had for more years than I can remember. The doctors would find nothing and send her home. Or she would complain of a particular symptom; there would be numerous tests, etc. - and if they found nothing - she would say she could not walk - then they had to admit her. It would appear to the doctors that she was competent as well; but what "competent" person does this??? It's hard to believe anyone would want to go to the hospital. It is a form of narcissistic behavior, looking for attention at all costs; but also a personality disorder and later diagnosed with delusional disorder. That said; many at the nursing home where she eventually was a resident, thought she was "competent". And even there, she found ways to go to the ER.

It is so stressful and difficult to deal with. I just wanted you to know I truly do know what you are going through and I send you hugs across the miles. Take care.

Shakingdustoff - You were fortunate to get her checked in to the psychiatric hospital for care and evaluation. My mother required psychiatric help most of her life, but would not listen. Even when she was evaluated by psychiatrists during her many rehabilitation stays; she would not take the recommended medications. The nurses had observed behavior justifying a psychiatric evaluation, but it was interesting how she could manipulate even a doctor. They would recommend certain meds, but in talking to them I could see how she had charmed them with the classic narcissistic personality.

It was not until she was living in the nursing home where they observed her day to day psychotic behavior and it was then that she was given anti-psychotic medication that truly helped. I noticed much improvement. My prayers were always answered as well. It was never easy, but things would fall into place just when I was at the end of my rope. I never gave up my faith in the Lord.

I do hope and pray you get some answers regarding her mental state and a diagnosis and medication if need be to help correct the problem. You deserve a life and not this torment. Blessings to you.

"Sometimes, it's because the mother never had much of a life outside of her children"
that statement Carol made is spot on….my own italian american parents split up in the late 60s…that was something not too many did at that time…both entered into other relationships but neither ever married….in my mothers case her boyfriend passed from heart issues when she was 60 after a 12 year relationship….i was 24 at the time…she never thought she could find a man as good as him and never dated again……so that left her free to
live inside my married life which i detested….i never felt like i could live my own adult life…she was always there with her instructions and opinions on what i should do and those instructions were insane…dont let your kids swim in the ocean, they will drown…dont let your kids ride bikes they will crack their skulls...things she never learned to do…thank the lord my father blew these things off or i wouldnt have been able to do them myself…she had nothing else to concern herself with except for her children….now she is 92 and living with me and for all the time i wanted to distance myself from her she is here with me 24/7….my own kids live either 50 miles or states away from me….that does not give me the opportunity to interfere with their lives and i say good… i would hate to repeat the situations i grew up with….they are from their late 20s and early 30s and should and do live their own lives

My situation is very complicated, I had a baby and due to the relationship breakdown I had to return home to my parents for support. After doing this I then returned to work leaving my baby at home with mother. Mother took over completely and aloud my child to call her mummy my child is now 8 and lives fully time with my parents as she just couldn't be left all on her own what would she do without my child it will kill her is what she said. This has left me in a terrible position as I now have lost my child to my mother. But mother isn't content with having just one child she wants me and my other child there constantly, tells me she's lonely constant emotional blackmail doesn't really like me spending time with my child my life seems such a mess .....

Bella, I'm sorry that you're feeling so desperate and upset about how things are going. Can we just go back a bit, there?

So there you are living at your parents' house with baby. You return to work. At some point, presumably, you then form another relationship and have another child. Were you still living at your parents' house? I guess not? And what about the baby, the one who is now 8? Did this child live full time with your parents while you got on with work and life and having another child?

Look, if this is roughly the picture, your mother raised your eldest child. And what matters most of all, is that child's welfare. What are your circumstances now? Are you living alone or with a partner? How often do you see your elder child?

An 8 year old is not easily deceived about who its mother is. What does the child call you?

"But mother isn't content with having just one child she wants me and my other child there constantly, tells me she's lonely constant emotional blackmail doesn't really like me spending time with my child my life seems such a mess ….."

It is a mess: one for which you blame your mother wholly and apparently unreasonably. She wants you there all the time? She doesn't want you spending time with your child? I wonder if in fact she does think you should spend more time with both of your children, together. It's you who is very confused about all this. Get a grip. The two people who matter most are your children. BOTH of them.

Bella, this will have sounded harsh and uncaring and I'm sorry for that, I'm saying it not to be unkind but because it seems as if you've forgotten who the vulnerable people are here - the kids. But the important thing is what happens from here: you can't change what has already happened. Chin up, have a good think about things and a good talk with any Significant Other, then take it from there. Best of luck.

I've been divorced since 2008, I moved back in with my parents for 4 years. Just before I moved out dad was diagnosed with cancer but I still moved into my own house. Dad passed away in 2013 since then mom is so clingy/needy, I appreciate it must be hard for her, it was for all of us too. Every time I have been on a date she has had to ring me for nothing in particular, lately I have rekindled an old relationship with a guy I really like and it has got a future, but mom keeps ringing telling me she is going to move house, no one bothers with her, she's bored, on mothers day she is going to take her self off with a packed lunch as everyone is busy. I work 50rs+ hours a week, see mom between shifts and only see my guy every 2 weeks because of work and he lives out of town. She is in numerous clubs but is very judgemental of other members, she does go on trips and vacations etc. I am at my wits end, do I finish seeing this guy and pack in my job. I just don't know how much more she wants

curlysue, it sounds from your description that your mother wants it all. Do not finish off your relationship with that guy or pack in your job.

Your mother sounds like she is competent and living a rather active life with no medical issues in your profile. Since you have a job, what is keeping you there?

I could not tell exactly if you are still living in your mom's house or that she is living in yours. If you are living in her house, you have yourself in a dependency position that you really need to liberate yourself from.

The longer you stay there the more you enable her clingy/neediness. That is not healthy for either of you.

Your mom is trying to emotionally blackmail you; I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I'm blessed with a mother who, at 95 encourages me to get out and be active. You need to maintain your relationship with your guy AND keep your job. Like cmagnum says, mom sounds like she's doing fine - she just doesn't appear to want you to have a life of your own, which is NOT how loving moms should behave. So you need to set and maintain strong boundaries with her. Good luck and keep us posted.

I liked what country mouse said to to effect of Why do we let little ole ladies push us around? My moms favorite button to push is to make ever so slightly veiled threats of suicide. She's been pulling this for 50 years. I've become immune to it. My only response these days is to remind her that someone needs to care for dad with his dementia. That usually shuts her up. Regarding the moms who use the emer rm for attention, why are we going through this hassle if we know it's bogus? Can't we just say no deal?

cmagnum I live in my own home.......thank you for the support and advice everyone. I have got to a point now where I am hardly telling her anything that is going on in my life that way she can't have an opinion. I know she's obsessed with where my guy sleeps when he visits, she says 'oh your not sleeping with him are you' I change the subject to anything as apart from being embarrassing it's none of her business. She is making her self alienated by her own behaviour

I think in my mom's case she was mistreated when she was younger and it's a "culture" for physical and verbal discipline in the old days. It was considered normal, though that idea leaves that nasty churn in my stomach at the suffering many had in that respect. She had it from her parents, and then from children in the neighborhood "friends". I remember her saying she doesn't mind being alone, however her actions have always said a different story. I remember when she shared she wanted me to start having a family and having children so I won't be alone. I felt a deep sickness when she said this to me for various reasons. She has always wanted me to be the "little girl" she always wanted, and when I grew a little more realized I didn't meet those expectation and made things difficult. It was like walking on very thin eggshells. I'm only able to say it better now, because it took me a long time to even realize I'm not the crazy one. Now I'm taking care of both of my parents. Mom is "undercover" as long as you "play the game". I always wonder if dad is the biggest factor behind it, regardless of her own faults. I mean the magnification of that nasty side. I hope those who haven't had help (including myself currently) will get that strength to find it. We deserve it. I deserve it.

Unfortunately, hurt people hurt people. However, not all victims of child abuse end up being child abusers themselves. It may be a reason, but it is no excuse. Knowing about their own abusive childhood helps us understand how they got where they are possibly and maybe empathize, but it does not take away the pain of being beat up emotionally. I wonder what attracted the spouse of some of these abusive parents to them sometimes. Some were just beat down over the years and I think others like my FIL were an easy target to be dominated like a servant to begin with. His wife convinced him that he had promised to obey her in the wedding vows.

I wonder if this happens mainly to women who never had a chance to be independent. I remember back when I was divorced after 20 years of marriage, I was independent, had always worked full time, owned and maintenance my own home, plus several investment properties, but my Mom thought a woman couldn't survive without having a husband. That showed me how very dependent Mom was on Dad. I really dread if Dad should pass before Mom, she wouldn't be able to live by herself.

From what I have witnessed it's a possibility. I think it's the hypertraditional roles, Man works, woman stays at home. And for some women, maybe their time was consumed and they couldn't really do what they wanted. Some were ok and other struggled. Maybe some even resented it, if it was a forced issue. It's why I'm glad to see that's changing and couples are working together. Maybe not many, but the ones who do, maybe it's lessened the stress and allowed time for things to enjoy.

Possibly, but both both my mother and MIL were not stay at home moms, and both used emotional blackmail. I guess they are the exception to the premise. However, they way they were raised in the "good old days" does explain some of it.

I've always had problems relating to the concepts of FOG and emotional blackmail, though my relationships with my parents were not healthy. My parents have never blackmailed me in any way that I could tell. However, there is a strong sense of obligation. Recently I have been catching up on episodes of the TV show, The Blacklist. There is one character Tom who was raised to become what they need him to be to get a job done. I thought how the character seems screwy, but he is actually true to life (though in a more psycho way). Some of us are tootling down the road of life when suddenly a parent says, "It is your job to take care of me." We might go along for many more years, ignoring that voice, because we know we're not needed and it isn't our job. But the parent keeps saying it during every conversation.

Now, for my mother the meaning is clear. She started asking me to come home ten years before I did -- she denies this to this day, but it is true. What she wanted was a maid to do the housework. She would tell me that they were probably going to die that year, so I needed to come home to take care of them.

I'm glad I didn't disrupt my life for that drama. I would not have hardly any retirement savings and I would probably be beyond hope. I came home at just the right time, though it was because of my marriage disintegrating.

Now about the thing that it is my job to take care of my parents. My father did not feel that way. He felt it was the wife's job to care for him. My mother feels it is my job to care for her because I am the only daughter.

You know, looking back over the years and the repeated efforts on her part to get me to come home made me realize that the only way to avoid the messages of obligation would have been to cut her totally out of my life. I don't know if the way things have worked out are good or bad. She benefits by getting to stay home. I benefit by not having to pay housing. This stretches my retirement savings, so there is some quid pro quo. The bad thing is the loss of freedom that would be normal for a woman my age.

I hope this made sense. I may not be in the FOG, but somehow I did get the big O. I guess it is like Tom of the Blacklist -- it is our job, no matter how right or wrong.

My parents used to do that when I was very young, maybe almost teenage. They used the news to make that point to me. If a story came on about a young child, between 10 - and teenage, taking care of their elderly parent or grandmother etc, they would nonchalantly say, "Oh I wish you would do that for us.". "S/he's such a good person taking care of them.". I was always annoyed by them saying that and I used to be more vocal about it when younger and it didn't end well. I guess it's what's called "grooming". My parents didn't get to caregive when they were younger. They lived a 'typical' life respectively. This whole situation really opens your eyes to certain things, just not so much how to fix it. Really wish we all didn't have to go through it, because some of us can endure, some overcome, and some don't make it. We are all blessed to be making any effort to heal.

Yes, you were "groomed." How old were your parents when you were 10?

With my mom it started from the time I was a child ,My mom would always say promise me that you will never put me in a nursing home .Which now I see as selfish on her part ---But that's just the way she is . With me it is actually a combination of the promise --religion that told me when your parents are older the children should take care of them ---and the little girl inside me who is still looking for approval and acceptance from my mommy .Looks like by this point in my life I would just accept things for what they are .

Sounds like your grooming included the very twisting of religious teaching for her advantage that I started a thread about. Nowhere in the bible does it say you have to only take care of elderly people at home, give up your job, loose your marriage, leave your own home, etc.

Her Alzheimer's will reach a point, unless she dies first, where 24/7 care will become impossible for one person to do.

She could live another 20-30 years. Where will that leave you?

You are too young with too much of life ahead of you to just give up at this point in your life! 1/3 of caregivers die before the person they are caring for does.
I respect your choice to accept things for what they are, but I wish you would not just give up.

Take care and keep in touch.

Somewhere in their 50s by that time i think.

Just need to rant......I believe my mom doesn't lie me having a partner/man in my life, she always comes out with something derogatory or changes the subject if I mention him. She seems fine with my sisters having partners or wishes they would find one. It's as if she is jealous. Today on my day off she has rung, she asked what I was doing, told her I was busy sorting out paperwork/bills etc then catch up on house work she sniffed then said 'I will go out and wander round somewhere on my own then' jeez!!I took her out for lunch on Sunday, now I am thinking, feeling guilty I will have to go and see her and take her out again, give me strength