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My mother moved far away from me a few months ago, and into assisted living near my children. She is delusional and believed that I was stealing from her, among other horrible things. I am an only child and have been a very good daughter. She hates me now. She refuses to talk to me, but I do want to send her a Mothers day card, which i have sitting in front of me, but can't think of a few short lines to add. I think I am doing this to make myself feel a little better on Sunday rather than trying to convince her that I am not really the most vile person in the world. Right now she is in the hospital (2nd time since she has moved) due to dehydration, critically low sodium or falling. Any suggestions what to write would help me greatly. I will not confess though to the things that she accuses me of...Happy Mother's Day.

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Simply write "With live, your daughter (name).
So many times, those with dementia accuse the ones they love of stealing. It's never "I can't find it or I miss places it." Someone stole it. This is her disease talking. I know it's hard to not take it personal, but try. Hopefully she will get pasted this phase of her disease and move on to something else. This to shall pass
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passed, not pasted. Sorry
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Also............"with love, not live." I need to go back to bed
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I would try to look beyond the accusations and unkind words. Somewhere deep inside there is your mother, who love you. So, I would give with that sentiment. I would select a card that has something colorful and that she might like,, such as flowers, cats, dogs or butterflies. You might include a photo of when you were a child. Perhaps, someone at the facility will help her hang the card near her bed so she can enjoy it.
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Oh, I think I would write something from the heart. My cousin has a decorative sign that I placed in her room at the Memory Care unit where she stays. It says, "Never Forget That You Are Love." I know she doesn't read it anymore, but it means a lot to me to know that it's there.
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Mom, I love you.


M88
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Underneath all that dementia has stolen is the Mom who once was. Write what you would say to that person.
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Write at the top Mother. At the center of the card, write Love (your name).
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Definitely no references to the current rift. Poor dear. This cruel disease has robbed her of good feelings about her only daughter.

As the others have said, just address her as she was before the dementia changed her. What would you have written then?
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You're overthinking. I grew up with two AWFUL parents and the mothers day and father day cards were so glurgey and sentimental I wanted to vomit. But buy a card we must, right? I would buy blank cards and write 'Happy ___ with love from Lassie' on the inside. A card won't mean much to her deteriorating brain, get a card with a picture of a bird, a dog, a cat, a flower, whatever she used to be into. Write "thinking of you with love on mothers day, love from Momsgirl" inside. The end. People make things so complicated. You'll never get a loving mother with a functioning mind back no matter what you send.
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Thank you all for your responses. The overriding theme that you all suggested was to "keep it simple". I guess I was overthinking. The card is in the mail.
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I am sure I am not alone in absolutely HATING the fake "holiday" that is Mother's Day. I love being a mom, I love my kids, they love me. End of story--right? Nope, all my growing up life was the BAM of my mother's bedroom door on Mother's Day morning and her unbearable behavior all day---we were reminded that we'd all ruined her life, we were the source of all her anxieties and we had taken all the joy out of her existence. So--yes, I do get my mom a card and a small gift but I often drop it off at her place when I KNOW she won't be there.

The mom you knew is gone. What this person she's become thinks of you is not really important. I am not on good terms with my mother this mother's day, but I will still get a card. She needs to have these to display at her apartment...and I need to get over the fact she had problems and hated being a mother. Mother's Day is a fake holiday. Remember that. Just sign the card and mail it. Do something fun for yourself on Sunday.
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I'm so absent minded, I thought Mother's Day was last week. The night before, my mom was being just awful. I really struggled and struggle with what I was going to do at what I thought was the last minute. I have recently learned with the help of some good friends, that when a person spews forth unpleasantries, it's really more about them and how they perceive themselves than about you. I kept that in mind, and went to the drugstore and picked up a small trove of personal items...makeup, cleansing wipes, moisturizer, etc. that I thought might give her a lift and help her feel better about herself and wrapped it up in a bag with a simple not-too-gushy card. The next day she was very apologetic about how she'd been acting, and was very grateful for my efforts. Some days, we ALL just suck. We have our moments, we can be mean, or frustrated, or sad and b*tchy. We are human. Give your feelings their due...feel them and move on. Even if she doesn't or can't respond, you'll feel better at having tried to be a good person/daughter. Sorry you're going through this and I wish you peace!
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From dolphingirl11,Dear Momgirl1, Your mom's illness steals away the mom you once knew.Her personality may of changed,but not face,her heart and the arms that once held you.Because her mind changed to the point that she thinks differently,you need to communicate differently as well.When you are ready to prepare a Mother's Day card,instead of using loving words....use loving pictures. Whether you draw these pictures or use stickers,it illustrates how you feel and what her mom's day gift is.Also,include a photo of you and her,as suggested by Sunnygirl1.Plan a wonderful evening of music,gifts,and a hot dinner.Take a walk in a park and enjoy the nature.If you live by some kind of body of water,like an ocean or lake,sit and watch the waves and the birds.Very peaceful.When you're ready to talk to your mom,keep your words sweet and meaningful.If she becomes difficult,don't fight with her...look at her with a smile and attempt to hug her.Try to be the controller of the mood of the day.Perhaps she will settle her wild ways and smile back.I wish you good luck with the Mother's Day card you give her and your loving day with the only mom you get in your lifetime.Have a great day.M🐬
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My mother also is starting with these symptoms. It's not your mother, it's the disease. It makes them somewhat nasty and suspicious as well as paranoid. Remember her the way she was when healthy. She cannot help it. Try to see her through this part of her life because, it will be over soon and you will find comfort and satisfaction in having been there.
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I know I already commented, but yesterday, I was out running errands and looked through the Mother's Day cards. Even for me, getting one of these super sappy cards would make me cringe...I got Mother a very simple, kind of generic "I hope you have a pleasant day" kind of card and will just sign my name to it and probably just mail it. (Although she lives 1 mile away).

This "holiday" brings up a lot of garbage for a lot of people. It's wonderful you love your mom so much you are stressing about sending a sweet card--that she probably won't even understand. You are very blessed and very lucky. Enjoy those memories.
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I see it's too late to be of much help, but I wanted you to know that I am an only child too. My Mother passed 14 years ago and I miss her so much. We became friends as I aged....she lost her mind in the last years and it was hard, but luckily she never hated me. In fact, she seldom remembered when I had visited.....But she, too, thought everyone was "stealing" from her.....it caused her to isolate herself and make enemies.....she "hid" a lot of things like the boxes of chocolate I would bring her, cookies, scarves, etc. Your Mother loves you and simple is the word....both for you and her.....As elabaorate as you need to be but remember, it is for you....keep it simple for her. Complex just confuses. You will never regret loving her....you would regret NOT loving her.......Whatever she feels is something she will have to repair......you can just "BE THERE" God Bless.........Wendi
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Love you Mom!

Your daughter, Name
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I (and hubby) care for 80 yr old MIL with Alzheimer's / Dementia, psych issues and lung cancer. She is declining rapidly and scary to watch. she sleeps 20 hours out of the day and the other four hours complaining about Everything under the sun. She constantly complains that her daughter, who lives less than 5 miles away, never even visits or calls !! but... one of the 3 days a year, Birthday, Christmas and Mothers Day she pops in and becomes a saint who can do no wrong! We bow down daily and get treated like crap who can do nothing right!!
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My daughter and I each sent my mom a mother's day card early last week, making sure it would get to my mom on time, but my sociopathic sister didn't bother to check my mom's mailbox all week so neither of our cards got to her on Mother's Day. So my mom must have thought we had forgotten about her on her special day. I called her midday and no answer (has no voicemail) so by the time I tried calling her again it was 7PM her time. Hopefully my sister didn't get them and immediately ditch them into the garbage can before my mom could see them. Always fun dealing with her.
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I flew out to see Mom on mothers day... It was a disaster. She absolutely hates me. I know that I was a very good daughter and took care of her exceptionally well, but She told me that I was so ugly and that everybody laughs at me. I tried to admit that I was awful...but I cannot admit to the other things that she accuses me of.
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Wow Momsgirl that is so sad that your mother treated you like that when you went to visit her for Mother's Day!! Hard for you to keep going back for more, but I guess all you can do is try to distance yourself emotionally from her and not be affected by her nasty insults. Sounds like she has some sort of mental illness causing her to lash out at you. I really don't know how I would react to that kind of throwing direct insults, but I sure do empathize with you. Our mothers can be so hurtful because we expect them to be on our side, protecting us from harm inflicted by others. We certainly don't expect that they will be the one to inflict emotional pain on us. I have noticed with my own mother, who has never been affectionate or loving to me since I became an adult, now that she has a daytime care aide she ends every phone conversation (only when the aide is there listening) with "Oh, ____ I love you so much!" Never heard that before!! But she obviously wants the aide to think she is the perfect loving mother. It probably plays into her telling the aide how I don't call her very often and my sister is "the only one that cares". Maybe you can spend some time thinking about what kind of response would get her to stop and think about what she is doing. Maybe something like: "If you really think that low of me then I really shouldn't be subjecting you to my presence." But if she has mental illness there is no getting her to stop...all you can do is try to toughen up your shell and not let it affect you. But I know that is all but impossible to do! Wishing you better days ahead.
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I was going to contribute, on the 'what to say' theme:

"Dear ____,

Sorry we can't be with you for mother's day but we're having a big party at our house for your grandson's thirtieth birthday and you're not invited.

Lots of love, DIL and Son."

That should bring her down to earth with a bump. I'm sure it would have done my mother, but thank God when it arrived she didn't have her glasses so she asked me to read it to her. I read just the printed message, said it was from Golden Boy (DIL had signed his name), hypocritically praised the picture (which was a cartoon poking fun at men not being able to iron, I recall, the connection with Mothering Sunday not being entirely clear) and put it on the mantelpiece.

Anyway. Now I've got that episode from The Book Of Grudge off my chest - Momsgirl, how are you doing? How are you coping? Are you finding any way to adjust to your mother's dementia-personality?
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