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Thank you Hallmark for making holidays that should be nice into pressure filled times.
The truth is not everyone has a nice warm fuzzy family, not everyone wants to spend time with people that they see but a few times a year. And not everyone always wants to be the organizer, host and referee.
I see that you are already going to do a brunch.
Make it as easy on yourself as possible.
And make comments during the brunch that next year you will have other plans and you will not be the one doing the brunch. And if you typically do another gathering during the summer if you really do not want to do that tell them now.
Happy Mothers Day
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When my two children were old enough to want to plan things with me for Mother's Day, I started celebrating with my mom the day before.

I took my mom out on Saturday when the restaurants weren't busy and I was able to enjoy my Mother's Day on Mother's Day without running around between two households. It worked out well and I always suggest it to people who struggle with this dilemma.
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I feel for you and your situation. I can only offer up my feelings on this coming Mother’s Day…

My father and I spent three long, tiring, painful years caring for my sweet mom together at home. We lost her in February. What I would not give to have her here for another day and another Mother’s Day.

just remember that there will come a day when she won’t be with you and that will be much more difficult than anything you are struggling with now.

charish every moment you have left with her and I wish you and your family all the best.
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Such a great question. My mom was diagnosed with dementia in 2019. I moved from San Diego to Oregon to move in with my parents and help them age-in-place.

I completely understand feeling burned out. God bless you.

I also have two siblings...one who visits twice a year to provide me respite, and another who is not involved at all. I send them sweet photos to keep them involved.

My sibs live out of state, so they aren't available to help on a daily basis, even if I asked. If you haven't dared to ask your sibs for help, I strongly suggest you do that.

I love that you do brunch because it sounds like it's something you look forward to. Again, if you can muster the strength, try asking your sibs to "take a shift" with THEIR Mom on Mother's Day.

My prayer for you is that you will get a whole day of restoration. ~ VV
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Thanks to everyone who took time to answer. I will do brunch for Mom and go see my local Grandkids. Sometimes you just have to vent.

I do have to say, I agree that making one day about Mothers puts a lot of pressure on everyone. I also imagine it is painful for those who have lost Mothers.

I appreciate you all
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Have you asked your sister to help? Does she know how you feel? Be truthful, but not demanding. I feel for you: I was in your shoes & I learned that it is not just or wise to expect ONE to do it all!
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Just spend Saturday with her or the Sunday before. We started doing Easter on Saturdays because it was too much a pain to have to share with one of my kids' in-laws. You are allowed to be happy too.

I remember how much work it was to coordinate getting my father to my home for a holiday I was hosting. If I was lucky someone would drive him to my home but I had to get him back to assisted living. Pretty rough after hosting all day. I decided on the last Christmas he was alive that it was getting to be too much for me to do all this running around and I wasn't sure I'd continue to have him over on the next holiday. His needs were just too much.
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Have you ASKED the sister to do this for you?

Don't expect others to offer if you don't convey what you want or need.

Not accusing, but I didn't get the impression you've asked and been turned down or just never asked.
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Grandmaofeight Apr 2023
Of course I have asked and she told me she is busy, she has a daughter.
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You do know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do and don’t have to provide an explanation for your decision, don’t you? It’s one of the great things about being an adult and it took me way too long to learn. I’m not a fan of Mother’s Day, even before I lost my mother, but even more so now, so I don’t do anything and my family knows it. I hope you’ll have the day you choose, one that brings you peace
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Hothouseflower Apr 2023
I agree, I’m not a fan either. IMHO it is nothing more than a cheesy Hallmark holiday. I mailed my mother a card and will bring her flowers when I’m back at her place next month. I don’t expect my daughter to do anything, but I know that I am loved and appreciated. Don’t need a holiday.
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We celebrate MD on the Sunday before. No big deal. MD is too crowded and noisy to go out that day.
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DrBenshir Apr 2023
That is what we are doing this year, so that I can travel the following week and still make a special day for Mom. The calendar doesn't have to control our lives! Mom is no longer able to go anywhere, so Sister and I bring brunch for the family. It is crowded in her little apartment, noisy, and she loves it. Does she remember? No. But she knows at the time that she is happy to see her family.
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Mothers Day can get so complicated. I know my SIL (married to H's B) gets disgusted that our MIL expects everyone to cater to her and have a big to-do. My SIL has her own aging parents, plus she is annoyed that SHE doesn't get much of a MD (she has 2 daughters, and 1 now has her own infant D). I guess all mothers are supposed to stifle anything for them until they are the Grand Matriarch of the family.

My own mother has passed. We live far away from MIL. Thank goodness!
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Mother’s Day and Fathers Day are like the two high holy days of the year where my so works. It’s the elders’ time to be not only seen by family, but seen with i
others as having family.
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One day, yet so many Mothers.

Your Mother, you are a Mother, your daughters or DIL's now Mothers too?

I think spread the love out.
Like with birthdays where you can have 'your day' on your actualy day, or on another day if it is more convenient.

Arrange what special time or meal you see your Mom, what special time/meal you see your children, also what time they carve out for their own immediate family. Doesn't have to all be squeezed into one day does it?

Personally, in past years I also have thought what about my own Mother's Day? But this year I plan to have a dinner out on a Thursday or something different instead. Not going to be told when to celebrate by some card manufacturing company.
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I agree with the group--go have your day, do a little something sweet for mom either before or after. One person cannot always be the go-to for every holiday.
Also, see if your sisters will divvy up the holidays so the burden doesn't fall on you. Some people won't offer to help, either because they're dense or just trying to skate by, but will if they're told that there needs to be more buy-in.
If they can't do the holidays, then there's no rule that says it has to be you for every single one-pick the ones you want to do with your mom and do something for yourself on the other ones.
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This question has been brought up before. You see Mom the day before and give her her little gift or whatever. I am sure the AL does something nice for the residents. Just tell everyone that this Mother's Day is for you and your are spending it with ur children and grands. Really, no one else gives up MD why should you? I think ur children and grands should go out to eat. You are suppose to be waited on.
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You do NOT have to responsible for anything that you don't enjoy. Just say no. Walk away. Cancel. If it's important enough to anyone else, they can pick up the ball. They don't have to like it but you need to follow your heart and do what YOU want to do.
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It’s not “wrong”, but unless feeling as you do actually makes you feel better, why take your valuable time and waste it on her?

What do you need to do to make all or part of your Mother’s Day YOURS? You’ll have to think of some tweaks to what you’ve done in the past, but if you NEED a holiday you have the absolute right to have it.

Simplify or cancel brunch, do two short visits to the AL instead of one longer one, plan a picnic or barbecue, and I bet you can think of some others that will allow you to find time that for you and those grands.

And really, Mother’s Day should be any day you can spend with your grands, so could another day, maybe the Sunday after, become “grandmaofeight’s SUPER SPECIAL DAY? Or anything that could be fun for you AND THEM?

YOU DESERVE THIS. Vent all you want, then make a plan!
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