If I am my mother's caregiver who she must have living with her to avoid nursing home care, why must I disclose my assets?

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I am the 59 year old daughter of a senior who has Alzheimer's disease and a severe heart condition. She requires my care/prescence 24 hours per day. I am unable to work now due to these circumstances. I would like for us to live in a setting with other seniors where she would enjoy some companionship and where rent is is affordable. The applications that I fill out always want to know the assets of all inhabitants of the unit which would include me. I planned for my assets to be a part of my retirement. I believe my assets will disqualify us for a senior low income apartment. Is there any way around this. I don't want to be in bad financial circumstances once my mother passes away. As it stands now, our rent is too high for us to afford without depleting my retirement funds. Have you any advice for me as to how to handle this situation. Where can I keep my retirement funds in such a way as to not be required to disclose them? Thanks for advice you may have that may help me to resolve this problem.

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Mom requires someone to be present 24/7 -- not necessarily you. You have good intentions, and some self-preservation will benefit both you and mom. You are only 59. Unless you have a gazillion dollars socked away and growing handsomely, you'll bankrupt yourself being mom's shadow.

This is SO hard for good daughters to hear: Mom's detetioration is about mom. Not you. Of course you want what's best for her. And needing 24-7 care indicates that she should be in a skilled nursing facility and/or memory care. A senior apartment with no assistance (other than you in the spare bedroom) is not the right fit for mom's advanced needs.

Sounds like mom is Medicaid-egligible. Which makes a SNF financially feasible for her. Make an appointment with a county social worker, have mom's needs and finances assessed, and work with the SW to match mom with the correct residential setting.

In short, get mom's needs met without hobbling your ability to earn an income and maintain your own health. You are too young for Medicaire and the "open market" for health insurance is sticky. Get back in the workforce! Even if it's just at Starbucks.

You will still be caring for mom. Visiting, being her advocate, getting to know the staff. Meanwhile, 3 shifts of trained professionals will handle the nitty-gritty. You can just be a daughter. It might take some getting used to(!), but give it a chance.

Perhaps you are pressured by fantasies of "how we care for our own." Maybe you once blindly promised mom that you would never put her in a home. Maybe mom is the sweetest thing ever.... maybe she's a master manipulator.... I dunno.

I do know this: This is mom's serious heart condition and mom's Alzheimer's and mom's age decline. Not yours.

I hope you can resolve this dilemma with the appropriate separation between your needs and mom's needs. This approach does not mean you are uncaring or abandoning her. It means that you recognize mom's inability to distinguish between her distress and your right to be your own person -- and your need for economic self-support.

In short, you have to think for yourself and think for mom. It's difficult. And unfair. And when you're worn down, it (perversely) seems easier to only think for mom.....and let yourself disappear. Don't let that happen. Push back! You matter, too.
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Robin, here's the thing. Your mom has a progressive and life-limiting disease. Before long, she is going to need more care than any one person, particularly a person of your age can give her. In addition, she has what you term "severe" heart disease. It sounds like for that alone, she should be somewhere that medical professionals can monitor her.

You say she requires for you to be present 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. How long can you do that before you break down? Someone needing round the clock care needs 3 shifts of young, trained caregivers.

Please look into getting her qualified for Medicaid so that her resources, not yours, can be used for her care.
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There are affordable senior living apts. that are not necessarily 'low-income'
apts. Look there.
Hoping you will find just the right place for you and your Mom.

Sixty is still very young....consider this arrangement short-term, imo.
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As a live-in caregiver, you would not have the right to continue in the low-income rental if your Mom was not there, or was transferred to a higher level of care.
Very few low-income apts. even have two bedrooms due to the qualifications of low-income requirements.
If you qualify separately, alone, can you each make an application for an apt. nearby: one-bedroom in the same building?
Maybe if you qualify separately, they will then 'offer' you a two-bedroom?

I have never seen this personally. Is the entire apt. building low-income?
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The Americans with disability act specifically states that a disabled person can have anyone as their live in caregiver they choose. The landlord cannot deny the request. The landlord cannot treat the caregiver as a tenant. The landlord can certainly require a criminal background check...but that is it.

I have been down this road myself.

HUD guidelines for ADA complaince caution property owners against infringing on the rights of the disabled to "peaceful enjoyment" of their home...if that requires 24/7 livein help...then they cannot deny
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Sweetheart, if your mother is in a facility with caregivers, why do YOU need to be there? Do you have a career/job to support yourself?
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Well, the plan is that you would be living there and it would be your home, yes? So that's why they'd be treating you as a resident, rather than as a caregiver.

Is this a place where you would want to stay on after your mother passes? I'm just wondering if you'd be content to do so as an applicant for some sort of support in future, if your retirement funds had been depleted.

I think the only thing to do is to ring up the organisation you're applying to, outline the situation and ask what they advise. If your living there might disqualify your mother on economic grounds, ask them how they would provide for her care if she were an independent unit, perhaps.

I'd be more optimistic, except my own investigation into moving with my mother to a similar setting got nowhere - I was three years too young for their criteria. What astonished me was how completely inflexible they were about it, when my main purpose in living there was to be my mother's 24/7 caregiver. I hope you receive a more helpful response.
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I will need my own bedroom, otherwise that would be a great approach. These applications say to include the income/assets of all inhabitants.
Thank you for your thoughts!
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I wonder if you could just put her down on the application, but say you are her caregiver, and will be there caring for her, so your financial information is not required ?
When I was trying to get my mother in a senior facility, they just wanted her info, not mine, even though I would be there daily. Not the same as living there, I know, but I don't see how your info should have to be included, when you are technically the caregiver.
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